The Boy, The Girl, and The Game (Artemi Panarin)

What it Means to be Okay

-Annabelle's POV-

I twirl around the ring that now sat on my left ring finger as I facetime my mom while we were in Edmonton. After last nights thrilling come back win I was really exhausted and really just wanted to write some.

"Annie are you listening" my mom sighs using the nickname only she's allowed to use.

"Yes mom. My brother did good at his chemo session and you want to have thanksgiving at my place even though I won't be there" I repeat so she knew I was listening.

"Are you okay" my mom asks and I let out sigh. This conversation we've had a million times and we both end up disappointed in the end. I don't understand why she insists on asking that damn question all the time.

"You know I hate when you ask that question" I remind her.

"Yes, only because you hate lying" she scoffs.

"I'm not okay but nobody is 'okay'. There's no such thing as being okay" I respond.

"You know what I mean" she warns me in her mother voice.

"I know mom. But as much as I want to say I'm okay I just can't" I defend.

"Have you thought about therapy again" she asks trying to help.

"There's no time. Plus, I don't think it would help" I admit. You can't help someone who doesn't want it.
She lets out a sigh because this is a conversation we have often and nothing ever changes. "I'm trying mom, I really am. I just have a lot going on right now and I'm trying to handle it all myself. You know how that goes. But I am getting better I can promise you that" I explain. I spin my ring around and read the engraving, I've had a lot of nice things in my life, but this was probably the most valuable.

"What are you smiling at" my mom asks as I remove the ring.

"This ring Artemi gave me" I smile brightly showing her.

"A promise ring" she smiles.

"Yeah, it's actually the sweetest thing anyone has ever done for me" I admit slipping it back on.

"I like him a lot, plus he's really cute" my mom comments and I laugh. Typical mom comment.

"Nice to know mom" I respond before there's a knock on the door. "I have to go, give my bests to Ty" I say before hanging up and answering the door.

"Hey Artemi, what's up" I ask letting him in.

"I got hungry, was wondering if you wanted to grab some lunch" he asks.

"Yeah, I could go for some food" I say grabbing a jacket and my purse.

"Did you always want to become a writer" Artemi asks as we wait for our food.

"I always loved writing. It was the only way I could express myself for a really long time. There's no guidelines or requirements, it's just me and how I see life presented to me" I shrug.

"What were you like in school" he asks and I had to laugh.

"I was a nerd, but I was always the person people came to when they needed help. I guess I have always been insightful to the sense that people listened to me. I loved helping people, I had tons of 'friends' but never really was close with anyone. I think people are the most interesting and precious things in the world, just can't seem to connect with them on a personal level" I admit.

"Then how did the anxiety start, if you don't mind me asking" he says quietly.

"I've always had it, but middle school was probably where it became a problem. People always expected so much from me, eventually I did too but I became my own worst enemy in the process. I always felt... different. I can't explain it. My parents got a divorce but it was obvious they were much happier apart. Going between houses, going to my brothers high school games, being in clubs and still trying to get straight A's, it was all too much. And everyone would always tell me how nice I had it so I never let myself believe that I needed to get help because I 'had it all'. My mom caught on eventually and noticed I was getting weak. I would tell her dad fed me even though I told him I would eat at her place. I was just constantly trying to be what everyone else wanted me to be that I lost touch with myself. One day I got overwhelmed and passed out making dinner, mom took me to the hospital and they told her I had severe anxiety, that my attacks was what was making me so weak and secluded. I went to therapy but it didn't help much. I listened to what they said and it never affected me. Eventually I learned how to live with it so it wasn't such a problem in my life but it still sucks" I say on the verge of tears. I haven't told anyone about this, yet here I was, pouring my heart out to this man. "I'm sorry, that was probably too much" I laugh dryly.

"Never apologize for who you are. You took this terrible thing and turned it into a learning experience. You are better because of it. You just... grew up too fast, that's all" he says grabbing my hand and kissing the back of it. I never thought of it that way, I guess I did grow up too fast. Tried to raise myself to be the best I can be and had to pay the price.

"Thank you, Artemi. For accepting me for who I am and who I was. I don't let a lot of people in but I'm glad you broke down my walls. I really appreciate it" I tell him honestly.

"What about you, how was your childhood" I ask as our food is brought out.

"My parents separated too. I spent most of my time with my grandparents. My grandpa was a hard nosed hockey player and I was a small fun-loving child, doesn't really seem like anything would come out of it. But my grandpa never let up, he saw something in me no one else saw. Eventually I fell in love with the sport and the friends I made there. I still keep in contact with them, without them I wouldn't be here. As I got older people stopped looking at my size and started looking at my skills. After a few U18 and U21 tournaments I was picked up by the KHL and the rest is history. I don't see my family much anymore but I always try to catch them when they're awake" he says. I hang onto every word because he's not like other hockey players. He wasn't just shipped around playing up a level because the coaches saw something special in him. He had to fight to get here, wasn't drafted or picked up out of high school or out of a college. He worked his ass off and earns every point he gets in the NHL.

"I think the reason I'm so caught up on you is because I respect you so much. I've been around professional athletes since I was a teenager. I watched how they work, learned how they think, listened to how they feel, but I haven't met anyone like you. You appreciate everything because you know you're not entitled to these opportunities. There's so many things I love about you, but what I think I love most is that you're not like other people. You're unique and I think that's what I've been missing all along" I admit. He switches from sitting across from me to sit beside me and laces his fingers through mine.

"When I first got to know you I thought you were fake. Everything you've done up until now, its crazy. And you're only 23 but you've changed so many peoples lives. It's intimidating because you have such a powerful affect on people and you're not even trying. From day one you've had me captivated and I knew I had to be around you as much as possible. I want to know what you know because you always seem to be the right person at the right time. And now I know that you are brilliant and beautiful and everything I need and more" he says looking into my eyes.

"I think we're gonna be okay" I say and he grows a smile.

"Yeah, were gonna be okay" I agree