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Chapter Four
The rumor was true, you did drop out. The intelligent Grace Goldstein dropped out and started dating that stupid French dude. I had just turned seventeen and I remember I just couldn't handle being so lonely and so fucked up.
So I became the person you hate, I started smoking and drinking. The burn in my throat I got from a strong liquor made me feel something. The intoxication of the tobacco from cigarets gave me the feeling of desire. Weed made me relax, I didn't want to do heroin because I know it can make you become older than you look and I wasn't going to mess with my looks, that's all I had.
I had an ugly heart, many women told me this including my mother once. I told her I was going out to hang out with Michael she knew Mike, she loved him like another son but knew he was into drugs and drinking she could stench it off him when he came into our house.
I came home pissed drunk, when I swung open the door where my mother sat on that flower printed couch, you remember the one don't you? I mean you only visited my house once and by the time you started coming frequently it was long gone from another night I'll write about later in this chapter.
I swung open the door and it banging against the wall which made my mother startle awake from the couch she was previously laying on. She waited up for me even though I texted her I was going to be late.
"I was worried sick" she starts the conversations, it sounded as if she was yelling at me. My head hurt like hell I could barely walk straight let alone think straight. "I know I know it won't happen again " this verse right here. I told her this more times then I can count on my fingers and toes maybe my whole family's combined and yours.
She grounded me just for that week after I stumbled in drunk. I woke up with painkillers and a glass of water the next day she left a note under the cup 'I'll be home late, prepare dinner for me or order pizza? There's leftover roast beef in the fridge I bet you are hungry. Don't worry about the school I called in saying you had a fever'.
Even though the hangover seemed to only progressively get worse the next time I'd drink and wake up the next morning. It started to get tolerable. I remember my mom's disappointed face when I started skipping school "the school called again Ash" she would tell me but I'd be too high to care.
Now to the story of the couch. Lauren had stayed over her boyfriend's house. I knew it was a bad idea but who the hell cared my mom was out of town and I needed her out. Harry was only nine at the time so I let him have his first sleepover at his friend's house.
I threw a house party and everyone was having the best of times. This was right after graduation. You were too much of a goody two shoes, you wouldn't have gone even if you still went to school. I passed all my classes barley and ended up graduating.
So when I threw the party nearly everyone was drinking and smoking. I don't even know how many people took a piss on that couch but it stunk to high heavens. I remember I stumbled and the glass of red rum I was getting Veronica stained the whole entire couch cushion.
That wasn't even the worse of it, Luke Hemmings had brought his pitbull along who nearly shredded the whole couch up. From that point, I think I was sobered up. I kicked everyone out, it was nearly two am anyway.
When my mum arrived home, she cried. I never have seen her cry so hard and for so long not since my Dad left. "That was the only good memory I had left of your father," she told me. Again when she told me this I was stoned, I think she could have guessed because when she was speaking to me I kept zoning out.
"You have an ugly heart Ashton," she tells me, I run up the stairs. I couldn't believe my own mother would say such a thing. I remember wanting to walk out but I had nowhere to go and I spent all the money I had left over from Christmas and my birthday on weed.
My mum woke me up in the middle of the night by crawling into bed next to me. She was still wrecked about the couch but she kept on apologizing for lashing out on me and for saying god awful things to me.
I told her it was okay and that I was all the things she said I was. I promised her I'd quit. I did for a while until I went off to college which my mother pressed me into going.
