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⚠️Suicide and Rape Warning in this chapter ⚠️ Chapter Five
It was my first year in college, I currently started using drugs again and this time it wasn't because of Michael. See, Mike didn't have the grades for college and my mum somehow pulled a couple strings to get me into a mid decent college she thought it would straighten me out.
Well, college wasn't like how it was back then. I got into the wrong group, and that's my fault entirely or maybe it wasn't. Maybe it was the boards because they're the ones who gave me drugies for a roommate.
I couldn't say they were all drugies, two out of four -the two included me at the time- weren't doing drugs. Calum hood was the one who didn't do it, he knew how to say no. He also couldn't get caught smoking or having it in his system because of soccer he was all about soccer.
Some odd reason Luke Hemmings got awarded a basketball scholarship to the same college. He wasn't that good but they liked him for his height. Sometimes I wish I would have taken a sport. Maybe my life wouldn't be such a mess, but maybe the drugs are what brought me to you.
So I can't say I really regret what I've done in my past life because it brought me to you but it's also what made us fight constantly and me to tell you to just go. I was so high that day and I didn't want you seeing me like that. I hated that pity look you constantly gave me.
My other two roommates, one was Vincent and the other was frank. Vincent had this blonde hair with green eyes somewhat taller than me probably by two inches. I don't know if you recall but you went to his party once.
Frank, he had brown hair with brown eyes around 5 foot but trust me you did not want to fuck with him. There was a reason I continued to be friends with him after college and why I never let him around when you were with me. He was worse than me he even drank when he woke up I couldn't do that to myself, there was no reason for him to go to college since he skipped most of his classes anyway. He told me it was either this or living on the streets.
Anyways, there was this girl name rose. She had this blonde hair and brown eyes. She couldn't ever beat your beauty but she was a sight for sore eyes. She was shy and then something happened.
The guys they knew for a fact she was a virgin so me being me went after her. I started hanging out with her. I got her into drugs, I let her around Frank who sometimes would in her words 'touch her in a way she didn't like' said he was a creep and dirty.
Later in the year she told me she loved me, I laughed in her face she thought maybe it was just something I did when I was scared to say what I truly felt. I tried distancing myself but in the late hours, she'd be knocking on my dorm room door just crying.
I kept on closing the door in her face, sometimes I'd look through the peephole and if I saw her I would just go back to bed. After one of my classes one day she waited by my door. Her eyes were bloodshot but I knew for a fact it wasn't from crying.
She was itching her arm like crazy, she looked skinnier and was twitching a lot "y-you need to help me ash" she told me with a stutter, she gripped my arm tightly. "Y-you did this to me," she said her head moving side to side.
I didn't know what to do, I didn't know what to say "I need some money, need some money for crack" I got choked up when she said this. I only ever let her smoke some marijuana. I never did crack.
"Get away from me," I told her as she kept pulling on my sweater. Frank saw me and her together. Asking what was going on I told her the bitch was crazy, she kept telling him she just wanted money.
He told her he knew a way for her to get money, he took advantage of her. He rapped her to the point she was crying constantly in our room as the rest of us were trying to sleep.
One day I received a letter 'Ashton. Why did you do this to me? Why did you do this to me I thought you loved me. I was rapped and bruised by who you call your best friend. The nights I was crying and screaming you were sound asleep. What did I ever do to you, I never hurt you. You only hurt yourself. Today I will put my head through this noose and step off the chair. I will hang myself and you are the only one I blame for wanting to do this to myself. If you don't feel some sort of regret then for sure you are the devil. I do not blame Frank for I was the one who needed the money and when he was finished he threw me the money and told me to scram. This started a month ago and I'm sure you're aware. Just yesterday I found out I was pregnant. I will not bring this baby into a world so fucked up and has the worse father on this earth. I hate you, Ashton, i fucking hate you'
When I went to class after reading that they told us she was dead. I didn't go to the funeral. I just sat in my dorm bed and smoked until I forgot her name, smoked until I couldn't hear her screams anymore and drank until I was drowning myself from the inside.
When I told you about this, you left for awhile which to me felt like years but was only a week. It was the worse fucking week of my entire life. You told me I was messed up in the head and I agreed with you. I cried over you, God Grace I cried for you, I cried because I cared for someone other than myself and I cried because I felt so bad for what I caused rose. That day you left I felt like killing myself. I thought maybe it would be good for you do not have a fucked up guy pull you down.
When you came back you just hugged me and that day you went because of roses suicide was the last time it was ever brought up. After you, there was not a day that went by that I wished I didn't cause rose so much pain and agony. I wish I could tell her I'm sorry. That I am so fucking sorry.
