okay so i think its safe to say that i've matured since when i first began to write this thing and im still maturing. although, people tell me im mature for my age i think everyone my age is capable of a mature conversation but we choose the things we concern ourselves with. when i look back on myself and the things i've said in this space its like seeing a completely different person and i don't mean that in a bad way. She is me of course but i am not Her anymore. i can recognize the things i've created, the conclusions i made, the things i've said but im just like a changed person at this point. that's something called growing up.
coming of age is the lesson the hero learns after defeating the beast. you become better, you change after facing the most important fight of your life. of course coming of age doesn't have to be so dramatic but sometimes it is. i used to think when i came of age is when everybody liked me bc i was great. there was one Worse Me and one Better Me and i would transition from the Worse Me to the Better Me and the story ends. nobody told me that i could begin to dislike Better Me, her self-esteem is fueled by the praise of other people and her sense of accomplishment wore off she is stagnating. why are we taught that we're only afforded one chance to change. there's no Better(er) Me? what happens after the hero defeats the beast? why are we so quick to accept that things were just Better after we come of age. how do we depict that? how do we move forward after doing the greatest thing you've ever done or becoming the Best person you've ever been.
i'd hate to be cheesy and be philosophical but i'd be even more cheesy if i dismiss philosophy as something only cheesy pretentious broody teens think about. we've all asked questions before so don't be that person. if you think that im being weird and the only thing's thats changed is that i don't make sense anymore and i type in all lowercase then okay. i don't care. i wrote this for myself more than i wrote this for anyone who read this. i haven't done something for myself in such a long time. something sans the need for validation, for approval, for an external source telling me "omg this chapter is so nice"
