Highland Chieftain (Book 5)

Chapter 32

Chapter 32

It could not be. Why would he bring her here? Why could he not leave her alone in her misery? She had not been in the Keep proper when they had arrived. In fact, she had decided to take a ride out that morn, it was unnaturally clean, whilst still a little chill. With a heavy fur lined cloak, she had sneaked out of the Keep with the first rays of the sun upon the horizon. Riding fast and hard gave a life to her once more, it was the only joy she had found since the news had spread of the possible marriage of Kendrick to a rather advantageous match. Well, from the sounds of it she was advantageous in standing, but not in character. Though it had been with a heavy heart that members of her clan and her family had made this unknown woman's character comparable with her own.

It hurt, she had been trying so hard to show how changed she had become. To show how she could be demure and not need the attention of those around her. How she was a valued member of her clan. She had even been sewing, and had the pricks in her fingers to prove it, for she may have never have been any good when she was younger, but if anything she was worse now. Not that many people took any notice of her these days. Yet, Fyfa had been strangely concerned with her recently. It was as if the woman saw more than necessary, once upon a time, Larena would have had no issue with showing the woman who was in charge of the situation. But now, it most definitely was not her in charge. She was barely in charge of her own life, let alone being able to control the lives of those around her.

It had felt good to get out and not think. Spending the day out of everyone's way and not having Isla scold her for ruining anymore of the darning which was piled up. Eating a few scraps from the meal she had scrounged together from the kitchens this early morn, she sat upon the still frost crisp grass to break her fast. It was much later that she sat upon the swollen banks of the river, the water rushing by her as she ate the rest of the meal hours after midday. She had only paused to rest her horse and stop the gnawing from her stomach.

It was just as the sun was setting in a vast, glorious fiery display. She paused as she crested the final hill before home. It was as if the Lord Almighty had painted the finest brushes upon the sky, with real gold to guild every line hit by the dying rays of the sun. Taking a deep, refreshing breath, she let the tiniest of smiles graces her face. It was start, she knew, it was possible to move on from here. Knowing that and actually doing that were two completely different issues, but even then she knew there was a building strength within her and she could do this. She really could.

As she had entered the Keep, the darkness of the land had been lit with torches. But the revelry from within the main hall, and those spilling into the bailey had her brow furrowing in confusion. A few couples had broken away from the light in the centre of the bailey to find semi privacy in the dark corners. It was Iain she finally came across who was sober enough to make any sense. "What is going on Iain? I left this morn and none of this was even talked about, never mind put into motion." She looked around herself bewildered. Iain laughed and clapped her on the shoulder. "Nay Larena, Kendrick returned this morn, must have been a few hours from when you slipped out. This is the celebration of the marriage. Ye Ken?" Iain held his arms out in joy, a cup of mead in one hand sloshing a little liquid over the side. "Cam thought it would be good for relations to show that clan MacKay supports the marriage." Pushing away from Iain, Larena stumbled up to the main hall, from which music spilled and light danced. Stumbling to a stop upon the threshold, she took a deep breath and held it as she took in the revelry and dancing within.

Her eyes took in the sight almost at once. The rail thin woman, with pursed mouth, clinging to Kendrick as they danced a reel. Her breath stuttered out, and a low cry left her lips with it as she felt her knees grow weak and clung to the doorframe.

As she turned and fled, Kendrick snapped his head up, the hairs on the back of his neck standing on end as if someone had been watching him. He turned wondering whom it had been, but there were a lot of eyes upon him at that moment. Dragging his attention back to the demanding Caroline he continued the dance, promising after this one ended he would find the source of the discomfort.

Larena fled for her safe place, her mind spinning around and around, thoughts flying one after another. Finding out that your brother is actually your brother in law, and your sister in law is actually your sister...well that would be hard on most people. But others would be there for them through the confusion, friends and family rallying around making sure that all was taken care of and that the roiling emotions were calmed. But instead, nobody had actually informed her of this. No, she had overheard it whilst she had, admittedly, being unashamedly eavesdropping.

But even if it was the case that the entire clan was aware of the issue, and not only that but everything else she kept so close to herself, unable to tell any other soul. Why would they care? They would not help or be there for her, and she knew the answer, had never been told them in so many words, but knew that everyone within the clan thought it. She was the stone cold hearted bitch...and because that was what everyone thought...well then why not actually life up to the name. At least it got her noticed now that everyone was moving on with their lives.

Moving on and leaving her behind. For who would want to remain friends with a judgemental, overbearing bully of a women when they had managed to find someone who cared for them, and now had bairns of their own. They no longer had time for her and her selfish, surface deep ways. In fact, no one had any time for her at all any more, and even her brother/brother in law was giving up on her. He did not even shout at her any more. Choosing to ignore her instead, and that was what hurt the most. If he shouted at least he cared. Now...it was as if she did not even exist in his world. His wife became his priority and then along had come the bairns. And logically she could see that it was exactly as it should be...but what about her? Who, in the name of God Almighty himself, did she have?

The one person who could stand to be around her she pushed away because the pain of seeing them and knowing her failure was too much, and now he was to marry another. She had lost him forever, and nothing she could do would change that. Her brother had even, once upon a time, issued threats of sending her to a convent. And whilst that way of life was completely anathema to the way she lived. Even that life at this moment was looking to be a favourable option. At least as a nun she may one day find solace in her very soul, and find some forgiveness for the hurt she had caused...not to those in the clan, for if they did not care for her why should she care for them? No, the pain she had caused to the one person in the entire world who had seen her, liked her, even loved her, and had to turn away from her because of the utter agony caused by her actions. That pain was unbearable, so very unbearable that she did not know whether it was worth it to keep it locked up within anymore.

As she walked the parapet, the night sky oppressive in its dark starless state, she knew this dark corner would not be walked for at least another hour. The warmer air was cloying this night. As if mocking her and the choices she had made. The choice she still had to make. Yet no matter the heat. The stone beneath her fingers held a chill which kept her rooted within the moment. Even in her darkest moments she could not stop herself from being brought back to the reality of her pain. As alone as she was her own mind worked against her. Making her alone even against her very self. Her mind working to keep her in a constant state of darkness, just varying degrees of blackness were her constant companion.

Releasing the clasp on her thin summer cloak, she let it drift to a heap at her feet. Nothing mattered now. He was marrying another. Whilst she had known for years he no longer wanted her, this confirmation was just too much. It was the final stone to break the back. All her life had been leading here. No she saw it as clear as day. No one would miss her, no one would even mourn her, she was very sure of that.

For too long now she had been invisible to those who should have cared. If no one cared enough for her to be here now, should she even care? It had her questioning her very being. The only answers that were coming up were in fact that they were right. There was nothing she could come up with to convince herself that they were wrong.

In the end all she could hope was that it would be quick.

As she placed her hands flat upon the rough stone that had helped protect her home for longer than she had been alive. She climbed up. Standing tall and taking a deep breath of the cloying air that smelt so very much like home. A home she had not belonged too for so very long. With a tear silently making its way down her cheek, leaving a salty trail in its wake, she went to take that final step.

Ignoring the running steps behind her. They just wanted to ease their own souls now. They did not care it was her, instead it was their own conscience they needed to make peace with. Taking a deep breath she made to move.

"Larena...."