Highland Chieftain (Book 5)

Chapter 37

Chapter 37

Larena leaned back against the boulder, her shoulders hunching in as if she was waiting for another blow to hit her. Her mind was just not wrapping itself around what Kendrick had told her, the warmth of his body besides her only confusing her more. Yet, it was profoundly comforting to know that she was not the only one in turmoil. The kiss had only confused her more, after thinking for so long she was not good enough for him, then believing that he was gone for good, linked with another for life. Now, now she did not know what was to happen, how it was going to happen, or even if she could overcome the confusion which swam around within her. Twisting her fingers within the coarser, though warmer material of her dark green dress. It was a much easier point to look at and concentrate on than the male beside her, but he was still constantly in her thoughts. She could not forget him. Never would be able to.

As she watched her fingers strain white within the fabric, like snow upon thick grass, a larger hand came from nowhere and clasped itself warmly around her own. A deep throat clearing had her squeezing her eyes closed. This was it, he was going to tell her that he was leaving now. Which she wanted. Didn't she? So why was the pain lancing her heart right now. Taking her breath from her body as if she had been hit.

"I do not expect anything from you Larena." His words hit hard, as if he had taken the last of her hope within her. "But," the words quieter now, as if a part of the clearing itself. "I would wish you to know that no matter how long it takes. I would like to be yours, in some way, in any way you wish for me to be in your life." She heard the swallow beside her, as if he was swallowing the very words he wanted to say.

Kendrick had to swallow hard to keep his emotions in check. This strong woman beside him had crumbled. He hardly recognised her, she was wilting before him and he wanted so much to protect her, help her in anyway. Even if that meant he would have to walk away. If that was truly what she wanted then he would. It would kill him to do so, but if it was truly what she needed. His heart beat too quickly as he squeezed her hand a little, awaiting her final response. If it was not a positive outcome, or the promise of positivity, then he would be unable to guess what his reaction would be.

He stilled completely as he hand released its death grip upon her skirt and turned to intertwine with his fingers. Kendrick had to remind himself to keep his own grip gentle and not to crush her delicate bones. If this was a sign, he hoped it meant good things. Biting his lip until he wondered if it would bleed, he kept silent and let Larena dictate what was to happen. "Is this really happening? I mean, are you really here Kendrick?" He waited as she cleared her throat, but his fingers tightened a little upon hers, trying to reassure her. "Have the faeries who live here conjured you and given you the words that I have wished to hear?" She tried to remove her fingers from his and he let her go, needing her to trust him now more than ever. If she needed space he could give her that.

"Nay, Larena, I have not been conjured by the faeries, I can promise you that." He watched her fingers clench back into her skirts. Twisting in a dance that had him mesmerised. "We were told from a young age we were to wed. We had to get used to the idea. But over the years I learnt a part of you that you showed no one else. I wanted you," he had to swallow his mouth dry making it difficult to get the words out. "I even tried to make you jealous when you wanted nothing to do with me. Now I realise just how foolish I was to do so. You were mourning for the loss of our bairn. Which I cannot and will never blame you for. The Lord does as he sees fit and if he needed our bairn for an angel before we could meet her, then as much as it hurts it is as it had to be."

Bright eyes latched onto his. "Her?"

Kendrick shifted uncomfortably but kept the eye contact. "Aye, when I think of our bairn I see a tiny version of you. Beautiful and strong. I just am so sorry lass, for the pain I caused you when you were already in such pain."

Larena could not hold his gaze any longer, so she let it wander over to the tree line in the misty greenish light now settling upon the clearing. "I always think of a boy." Her words scraped her throat as they came out. Words she had spoken to none before. It had been impossible to tell at the time and she would never know the truth. "When I see our bairn in our dreams I see a boy, running through the wild heather of the highlands. As you and Cam often did as bairns."

She jumped slightly as his heavy, comforting arm came around her shoulders. "I canna say I agree with the boy, as I still see a bonny girl, but which ever we would have been blessed. For I wished for you and no other from that moment." She heard his soft exhale and a self-depreciating chuckle come from him before he continued. "The last few months have shown me just how much I have made a mess of things and how I should have tried harder to get you to talk, rather than make you jealous." She was pulled tighter against his side and she let herself sink into him. Larena knew that she was hoping and at any point he could stand and walk away as if she was worthy of nothing more. But that hope kept coming back to the fore once more.

They both fell into silence once more. It was a silence that held an expectation which meant it could not last long. Larena was the one who broke first, unable to take the unknown. "Where do we go from here?" The whisper soft words seemed to carry on the wind, echoing around them.

Kendrick closed his eyes and leant down to kiss the top of her head, pulling her closer in the process. "We still have a lot to talk about I think. But I think we can go whichever way we want. If you want nothing more to do with me I can walk away now." Her gasp of pain had him pulling her even tighter to his side, as much as he hated her pain the hope blossomed once more. "But if you do not wish for that, then I would much prefer to see if it would be possible for us to see if we can build a life together?"

As the silence cocooned them once more, Larena had his heart in her hands. She had the ability to rip his future from him. But he could not cause her more pain in this instant. Nay he would go with her decision, or he hoped he could do as she wished.

"I think my heart wishes to know what we could be. Yet my head cannot take that you wish to be with me, that I can hold you to me." Even as the latter words left her, she curled more into him. Kendrick allowed that hope to grow a little more.

"It would be foolish to not be wary, we need to relearn each other. There is pain in both of us, there is a loneliness within me that I can only assume is reflected in you. Larena you are a part of me that I am currently missing. But I am interest only in your happiness." He kissed the top of her head once more, unable to stop himself when the urge took him. "How about we try something radical."

He caught her interest, causing her to push away from him. Yet before he could lament the distance she still held onto him. "Radical?"

"Aye, how about we have a proper courtship. I treat you as the lady you are, I agree new terms with Camdyn if you are agreeable, and we give ourselves time to see if this will work." He waited and she did not speak. He tried to let her have time, but a part of him just pushed on as the hope tried to bloom once more. "You may have a say in our lives, Larena, I just wish to be with you, if that is what you wish also."

Larena glanced away, trying to think, but her heart was taking over as it reacted to the earnest truth and hope in Kendrick's voice. Licking her lips to moisten them, she fortified herself for the words she was to speak. "Then I think we should talk to Camdyn."