hope || kim.t.h + jung.h.s

one

The autumn wind consumed every last bit of warmth in the air, creating a cold but comfortable environment. As the wind blew, the porch swing moved and creaked with an eerie sound. The morning was crisp yet soothing, with a bite from air and a kiss from the falling leaves. Hoseok loved fall and its dead leaves; he found comfort in the leaves that fell lifelessly on the ground. He loved the way the cold air wrapped around his body and iced his skin, he loved the sharp blasts of numbness that shot through his body, and he loved the dying plants around him. It made him think of everything he'd lost, the things he had come to find comfort in. He hated the fact he found pleasure in the death, but he couldn't help this part of him. Death was everything he's ever known, he lost his love, he lost his hope, and he lost his happiness. The small amount of hope ever left in his soul was gone with the wind, taking his love and happiness with it. Ever since he came to America, all of his dreams became crushed. One by one, his dreams died out and withered within him, making him become a vessel, an empty container of which held nothing. Hoseok was empty, and there wasn't anyway to fix it.

His finger tips felt numb from being in the cold air, but he enjoyed the numbness. He stopped himself from shivering to feel the blasts of cold air slide through his body, he stopped his teeth from clattering so he could think about all the love he shared for his best friend, and he stopped his bare feet from fidgeting so he could tap them to the beautiful songs the two used to sing together. Hoseok thought about his best friend highly; he made him the center of the world. He would look at Taehyung Kim like he put the stars in the sky, he would hold onto him like he created the world, and he would think about him like he was the god who gave him life. To him, Taehyung was devastatingly, inhumanly beautiful. His face was as perfect as a painting crafted by an old master; he didn't belong in a public school, he belonged in a museum. Hoseok couldn't help but to smile to slightly to himself as he lay on the porch swing. His began to close slightly and his vision was fading; he couldn't tell if he was dying or if he was going to sleep, but he didn't really care what happened. He was so cold, he began crying. His tears nearly froze to his face as he was suddenly taken back to a time he wanted to forget. He was only in ripped skinny jeans and a white t-shirt, which are articles not suitable for fall weather (unless you also have a jacket on), and he felt numb all over. However, that was his intention. Hoseok was trying to die, he didn't want to wear anything that brought him warmth. He knew it wasn't going to happen the way he wanted it to, but he wanted to lie in the cold weather so he could run away from his thoughts. The tears that nearly froze to his skin provided more comfort than the ones that fell a few months ago, and that's all he needed.

The dreadful day in which Hoseok lost all hope was etched into his brain. That day, that memory, those feelings, they were all so fresh in his mind; he won't ever forget that day. He just remembered it so clearly as though it happened yesterday and he couldn't deal with it anymore. It physically and mentally hurt him to think about it; he just wanted to disappear. However, he also wanted to stay. He didn't want to leave Taehyung, but he wanted to leave the world.