hope || kim.t.h + jung.h.s

eight

Hoseok awoke, feeling a chilling breeze flow through the window. He was hot, sweating, and pulsing with nothingness. He was groggy and still tired, not even sure why he was up. He glanced over at the clock. Sighing, Hoseok sat up and stayed still for a little, giving himself time to wake up. It was 3 am, but he knew he wouldn't be going to sleep anytime soon.

Hoseok sat dazed; he wasn't focusing on any particular thought, and was staring at nothing with his mouth hanging open. His mind was empty, swirling and pushing away every thought that tried to enter. It was like a leaf in the wind trying to stay attached to its tree, but eventually being blown away and forgotten. Hoseok was an empty tree sitting in the autumn wind, letting his thoughts fly away and litter the ground, but only for them to stay there and deteriorate in the earth below. He didn't want to think, he didnt want to feel, and he was tired of being human. Being human makes him feel powerful emotions like remorse, love, sadness, and anger. Hoseok wished to feel no longer. He was tired of living with these horrible emotions eating him from the inside. He was tired of feeling them scratch at his stomach and his hands and his face and his chest. He wanted them to vanish along with the warm air. He wanted his negative feelings to die inside of him. Hoseok felt numb. He felt cold and lonely. He felt tears form and pain pulse in his wrists. He got to the point of forgetting. He forgot how think. He forgot what it felt like to be healed. He forgot how to feel positive emotions.

Hoseok could barely even move himself. He was in a trance; tired, empty, and blank. He couldn't move; he didn't want to. He wanted to sit there in the darkness and stare at nothing, waiting for his life to end. He sometimes wished he was a statue: forever still and lifeless. It may seem far-fetched and exaggerated, but this is really what losing your first love does to someone; it really damages them.

Letting only a few small thoughts in his head, Hoseok lay back down under covers, groaning. He was bored and wanted something to do, something other than sitting and doing nothing all day. He knew his parents would not wake for a while, and he had all day to do nothing. He knew Taehyung wouldn't come back, and he didn't want to think about school, so he lay there bored and tired, keeping his mind as clear as possible. After keeping an empty head for so long, he started to feel thoughts and ideas hit their way into his head, begging to be let in. He shook his head to shake off their forceful energy, and focused on his breathing only.

His arms were out from his body, his palms facing up. He breathed slowly and steadily. Hoseok closed his eyes and stayed still, hoping to drift asleep. He focused on breathing and sleep only, not letting anything disturb the peaceful pond of his mind. His breathing was deep and slow, putting his body in a state of relaxation and dormancy, everything feeling numb and nonexistent. One thought crossed his mind, just one: peace. Hoseok liked to focus all feeling away from his body and meditate, drifting off into nothingness and lose all feeling and touch with reality. He liked to believe this was what nirvana was, but he knew he was only clearing his mind.

It was around eight in the morning by the time Hoseok woke up yet again. He was groggy and tired, and his eyes were crusted and heavy. For once, Hoseok slept good. He felt well rested even though he was tired. The sun was still low in the sky after rising, but it was hidden behind the misty blanket of clouds covering the sky from view. It was gray out, and Hoseok kind of liked that. He slid out of bed, put on a pair of pants, brushed his hair out of his face, and adjusted his hoodie. Sighing, he looked at the dark circles under his eyes, remembering the countless sleepless nights. He shook his head as he remembered some of his worst nights, the ones with the endless sulking and sharp pains in his wrist. He walked out of the room and went outside to the porch, sitting in the cold, autumn wind. He pulled out his phone and decided to text Jungkook, calling him over. He sat in a comfortable silence, sitting on his porch swing and staring up at the gray sky. Hoseok sat and decided that now was a good time to let his thoughts in. He let his mind wander to small artistic ideas, to a passion of his, and to small little conversations he could have with his brain. He kept his mind away from the dark things; he didn't want to be a gloomy mess by the time Jungkook arrived.

Hoseok watched Jungkook turn at the street corner and come walking down the street to his porch, smiling as big as possible. Hoseok smiled too, making eye contact with his approaching friend. "What's up, smiles? You look way too happy." Hoseok commented, jokingly. Jungkook chuckled and sat down on the porch swing. "Last night was a good night." he said. He seemed embarrassed and reserved, avoiding eye contact and blushing like a mad man. "You're leaving a lot to the  mind right now, Kookie." Hoseok teased, nudging his arm. Jungkook sighed and let out a small laugh. "I might leave it that way!" he teased, pinching Hoseok. Hoseok rolled his eyes and scoffed, definitely picking up on Jungkook's feelings. "Did you bone Jimin?" he asked, staring at Jungkook with a devilish smirk. "NO!"  Jungkook immediately shouted. He hid his face, shoved Hoseok playfully, and jumped up off the swing, running through the screen door and into the house. It was clear he was embarrassed, but he was also very happy about something. He was laughing maniacally as he ran down to Hoseok's room, skipping and dashing all the way. Hoseok only sighed and smiled wide, running in after his friend while he let his mind race with ideas.

When Hoseok came to his bedroom, Jungkook was laying out of breath on his bed, smiling at the ceiling. Smirking, Hoseok jumped on top of him, shouting, "Kookie got boned, Kookie got boned!" in a taunting tone. Jungkook laughed and tried to push his small friend off of him. "Stop!" Jungkook groaned out, watching Hoseok sit up. "You're happy today, Hobi. What's up with you?" he asked, eyeing him up and down. Hoseok rolled his eyes and stared at Jungkook. "I'm avoiding all negative thoughts today. Trying to conquer my depression." Hoseok replied. Jungkook applauded. "Good, you don't need to die any time soon." he joked. Hoseok pushed him. "What's going on with you? Why are you so happy?" he asked. Jungkook's grin grew ear to ear. "Jimin." he said "Fucking Park Jimin." Hoseok smirked. "Kookie, we're in America. It's Jimin Park." he bluntly joked. Jungkook kicked him. "Screw you, man." he said. Hoseok just laughed and then asked the other boy to tell his story.

All while Jungkook spoke, Hoseok could feel his barrier of temporary happiness threaten to break. He just sat and smiled though, ignoring the thoughts of Taehyung that threatened to break his wall. He wanted to avoid the wishing and the yearning of having a romantic interaction, so that he did. He focused all on Jungkook's cute and adorable little story about his night with Jimin, and concentrated all of his energy on that. All he could hear was Jimin and Jungkook. Nothing more, nothing less, and all of it something joyous. He didn't wish nor did he yearn; he only listened.

"I really love him, Hyung." Jungkook gushed. He smiled and stared up at the ceiling, picturing Jimin. Hoseok smiled, too, and placed a hand on Jungkook's shoulder. "I bet you do, and it's a great feeling, isn't it?" he responded. Jungkook kept staring up and nodded, blushing madly and making cute little noises. Hoseok chuckled and sniffled. "I love him so much." Jungkook muttered. A tear rolled down Hoseok's smooth cheek, and he bit his lip as he held in a sulk.

Please don't fall as hard as I did.