Hey dad,
So I know I haven't been writing to you a lot. To be quite honest, it's because I've been feeling pretty shitty. Ever since summer.
I just haven't felt like myself. I'm still good at pretending to be happy and having that untouchable why-should-I-be-sad-everything's-fine attitude but I still just feel really shitty.
I don't talk about it because of three reasons: it's my problem and no one else's; the more you talk about your problems the less people care; and it's okay to be sad.
I don't talk to people about it because they have their own problems. They're dreaming with their own relationships and university classes, you know? Why add fuel to their fire? Plus I guess it helps combat my ADD, I guess. Need to take my mind off it. Why do you think I used to work 20+ hours and not let myself daydream? Because it'll remind me of how I'm a fuckin pathetic excuse for a friend.
I mean who would want to listen to you keep rambling on and on about how you lost your best friend because of your effing stupidity? Let's work a 22 hour shift and then get mad at something that's not even relevant. No matter how devoted or haunted you are, people don't want to hear your own problems over and over. Unless you're either a therapist or a psychopath. One and the same aren't they?
Except I'm not much of a therapist.
And for the sad part. It's actually the best advice I've ever received. It's okay to be sad. Sometimes you can't control it. And especially for guys there's a stigma about being sad and crying buy sometimes your body wins and you just have to let it run it's course. I have Jake Roper to thank for that.
It's why I was eating ramen noodles alone in the dark at half two in the morning whilst listening to In Flames' "Chosen Pessimist". It's alright to just be yourself and have a moment for you. "It's not like I have to be happy all the time.". Sometimes I can be sad about me being a fucking beta cuck to people I love and right now it's a long period of just wanting to be alone. I only have conversations with 2 or 3 people daily and that's including my family. I just don't want to get close to people again, I'm a shitty friend if I treat others like that.
I know this has kinda turned into me venting but I haven't had anyone to vent to. My friends that would be there for me would tell me to get over it as they have. And it's not like I'm depressed. I still enjoy daydreaming and taking to my friends. I still like writing and reading, freestyling my poems to help me write. It's all great, man. It's just I'm disappointed with myself.
Pardon my language.
Yours,
Nasri
