Hiraeth.Malik.

chapter 9

Arabella Roberts

I knew I shouldn't be moping around because he was never mine to begin with. I didn't realise that I indeed am in love with him tell I woke up this morning, my pillow wet from my tears all night. Till I had nightmares all night about losing him, then waking up and taking in the painful reality that I did indeed lose him. Even if he was never mine to begin with.

I keep glancing at the lighter, his lighter wasn't the only thing with his name on it. For the longer I looked at those initials that were written in a beautifully cursive elegant font, the deeper they were carved into my soul. The initials were beautiful, just like him. He was so beautiful in my eyes that not even an aesthetic drawn by Picasso could compete. Even if he was never mine to begin with.

I kept trying to hate the girl in his background but I couldn't . She was perfect for him. They looked eye pleasing together. She probably has a heart of gold as well. Her and Zayn were a match made in heaven. But I craved him. I wanted him. I let my thoughts take me too far that I made the foolish mistake of picturing myself with him one day laughing happily, holding hands, looking into each other's eyes with so much love that it hurts. Because he was never mine to begin with.

I was tired of reality rendering me defeated and disappointed everytime I get my hopes up. And I needed closure. I needed to see him one last time. I needed to hear his voice, see him smile for me once and for all . One last time before I remove myself out of the picture that is his life. I needed to know about the girl who captured his heart before I let my heart shatter.

I got up and didn't even bother getting dressed. I needed to see him now.
 

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I made my way to the tree where I knew he always was. And I was right. He was sitting under the tree looking as handsome as ever, sketching a beautiful landscape.

"Umm.. Zayn?" I said nervously. I didn't know what his reaction would be. Maybe he'd ignore me completely. Maybe he'd tell me to go away. Maybe he'd ask for his lighter back. Maybe he'd remind me that he was never mine to begin with.

"Arabella, hey. Haven't seen you in a while." He said looking up with a smile that made me wonder why is he so good to me after I acted like mad woman two nights before.

"Yeah ... look I'm sorry about that night, I acted out of my element and I was cold towards you I jus-"

"It's alright , Ara. I understand." He gave me a kind smile while his eyes returned back to his sketch.

"Hey, zayn? Can I ask you a question? It's alright if you don't want to answer, I'll understand." I said fiddling with my fingers, taking a seat next to him.

"Yeah sure, anything ." He said raising his head to look at me.

"Umm.. who is that girl? Your phone background." I said looking up into his eyes .

"So that's why you were acting weird that night." He said more of a statement than I question. I didn't answer .

"She was my girlfriend." He said, grief laced in his tone of voice.

"Was?" I blurted those words before I could think. My curiosity got the best of me.

"Umm.. she passed away 3 years ago. Car accident." He said looking down, breaking my heart in the process.

"Oh, my god. I'm so sorry, I didn't mean to be nosy I'm reall-"

"It's okay, Ara. Really."

I know that it was really bad of me to feel relieved, but I couldn't help it. Because even though he was never mine to begin with, really, he wasn't anybody else's either.
I could tell he was thinking about her when the sadness started taking over his features. I put my hand over his and he looked at me and I could see his features getting calmer. Or maybe it was my mind playing tricks on me. Maybe it was my hopeful thinking. Because he wasn't even mine to begin with.

"Thank you, Ara." Zayn said, giving me a tiny smile.

"For what?" I couldn't help but smile back.

"Just thank you for everything."  He said, lacing his fingers through mine. I looked down at our intertwined fingers and grinned. He grinned back.

And maybe, just maybe, he could be mine after all.