Hiraeth.Malik.

chapter 14

Song for chapter: kiss me before I fucking lose my mind - Charlie Puth.

Zayn Malik

I didn't know.

I didn't know someone could love just as much as she does. The look on her face, the broken look in her eyes, the chocked sobs coming out of her throat. I don't think someone could love me just as much as she does. Not even Lea.

When she asked me to say that I love her, I froze. I didn't know what to do. I had a girlfriend that loved me dearly and deeply, and I love her too. Or so I thought. I had finally found someone to love me for who I am. Not as much as Arabella does though.

Walking back to my dorm, my head was spinning with questions. What ifs. What if I don't really love Lea as much as I think. I mean I saw Arabella first. I liked Arabella first. But I got over Arabella, didn't I? 

I never thought I could have a chance with her. She was too special, and I didn't want to ruin our friendship for a stupid assumption that maybe I'm not half as bad as I think.

But now. Now that I know she loves me. I think that changes everything. I'm starting to realise that I don't love Lea. That maybe she was just a distraction. A rebound. Maybe I've only been trying to get over Arabella.

"Why is my life such a mess ? As soon as I start to make sense of everything, it comes tumbling down." I mumble to myself in the dark.

I reach my dorm and change into some sweatpants and throw myself on the bed. Just when I start to get comfortable, there's a knock on my door. I get up to open it and the words stop in my throat.

"Look, I know I was way out of line and that you have a girlfriend and you're happy. I shouldn't have said anything. I wasn't going to, believe me. I just ... The words came out before I realised it.I'm here now to ask you if you can please forget everything I said and go back to being friends? I know it'll never be the same, but can we at least try?"

She looked beautiful even crying. Her eyes were bloodshot and swollen but oh so beautiful, her nose red and her cheeks blotched. Her eyes glazed over with tears making them shine better than ever. The only downside were the sobs escaping her mouth and the tears rolling down her cheeks. I was the reason for those tears. And I hated it. I never meant to make her cry.

"Please, say something.. anything. Scream at me , shout, curse, tell me no, we can't be friends, tell me I was stupid, tell me you need distance. Please. Tell me you forgive me." She said making my heart break even further. She didn't know that I have longed to hear the words she said. She didn't know that when I said I love her I meant it.

I wanted to wipe away her tears. I wanted to hold her tight and apologize for every single tear she shed because of me. I wanted to tell her how I really feel. But I felt frozen, like my legs were glued to the floor and my hands were tied behind my back.

She wringed her hands and squeezed her eyes shut. She bit down on her bottom lip and took a deep breath. She tried to calm herself down only raging me up inside. Rage aimed towards myself for putting her through that.

"I.. I'm sorry again. I hope you can find it in you to forgive me one day. And as I said before, I'll get out of your way. And Lea's. I won't cause you both any trouble. And I truly hope she makes you happy. Umm.... I have your lighter by the way. But I can return it if you want. But I'd like to keep a part of you with me even though I lost you. Silly me, you were never mine to begin with."

"Keep it." were the only words I was able to form. I don't know what's wrong with me. A beautiful girl, whom I've feelings for, is standing right in front of me, crying, and all I can form is those two words. My bestfriend who's in love with me is asking me for forgiveness because she felt as if she could ruin my relationship and I can't even move.

" Thanks... I guess I'll leave now. I just want you to know that you're my first love. I'll always love you.. and I'm sorry." 

She looked up at me and it's like something sparked in my mind. I leaned in and kissed her. I kissed her like I've never kissed anyone. It was all passion and love. I placed a hand on her cheek and the other on her waist. I pulled her as close as possible. She started kissing me after she got over the surprise.

Once we pulled away I looked at her face to see her reaction. She had her eyes closed for a few seconds before she whispered. 

"You didn't have to do this. You're only making me fall even further in love with you."

"What if that's what I wanted? What if I've been in love with you since I laid eyes on you? What if you can make me happier? What if I wanna be yours and I want you to be mine? What if I want only you, Arabella?"

"You can't. You love Lea."

"No, I don't. I thought I did, but now that I know you love me , now that I look back on it, now that I know I can be with you. I realised that... I love you, Arabella Roberts."

And in that moment, she looked at me with so much love in her eyes that I knew I'd be damned if I ever let her go.

And it was then that I thought that maybe it wasn't doomed till the end really. Maybe this was only the beginning. But what I didn't know was that she was the beginning of the end. What I didn't know was that in time she'll forget me but I'll still mumble her name in my sleep.