Hiraeth.Malik.

Chapter 13

Arabella Roberts

I wasn't always a liar.

But Zayn changed everything. I never want to lie of course, and I never mean to. But every time I see them together my eyes start to water and I'm surprised that Zayn still hasn't caught on yet. Every time he asks if I'm okay I lie. I say yes. Every time we go out, Lea is there and they kiss. He kisses her like I wish he kissed me. She holds him the way I want to. He touches her the way I dream for him to touch me. So, I excuse myself and leave. He'll call me after a couple of hours or even the next morning to ask if all is well. And I lie. I say everything is fine.

I wanted to hate Lea. I really did. She had everything I ever wanted. She was beautiful and her and Zayn looked great together, whereas me and him look awkward. I look like a charity case next to him. I wanted to say I had every right to hate her but in fact I didn't. 

He looks at her the way I'd always hoped he'd look at me. He smiles at her like she lights up his day, and I could only pray to be there to witness how beautiful he looks when he's as happy. She has him and I lost him. sorry, I always keep forgetting. 

He was never mine to begin with.

I wasn't always a liar; but his happiness to me is more important than mine is. So I lie to make him happy. But I don't know how much of this I can take. All he ever talks about lately is how much he loves her and how amazing she is. I want to move on. For my sake and his and for the sake of our friendship. But I can't. Every time he smiles at me or hugs me I feel my heart beat in sync with his and all the feelings  just come rushing in. It's unfair how he can make me feel with just one action.

When I woke up this morning, I was looking for my glasses in my bedside drawer and I came across his lighter. The only thing I have left of him to be mine. But if I'm honest it's the only thing I ever had. Because he was never mine to begin with. 

And I could do nothing but cry silently because Violet was sleeping. I still haven't told her anything. She seems so busy with school and I didn't want my petty problems to destroy anybody's life but my own.But it was already wrecked anyways.

I decided that I was gonna call Zayn up and ask for a friends day out. And I hope that Lea doesn't join us this time. I wanted to have him alone for one day, where I can pretend that he's mine and I'm his and know what it would feel like if he ever did love me. I know that sounds petty but you can't blame a girl who's inn love with a broken heart.

I texted him and he said sure and that Lea was home for the weekend anyways. I couldn't be happier, I felt like maybe for once something will go right in my life. But stupid me always ruins things.

We met and had a great day and everything was going smoothly till he was walking me to my dorm. I was in such a daze that I kept talking about how happy I was and how great today was and I didn't realise what I was saying until I was spewing up how much I love him and that I'm happy that he's happy even though I'm not and that I wish he has a great relationship with Lea even if it breaks my heart to see the one that I'm in love with in the arms of somebody else. 

His expression said it all. He felt bad for me. He felt bad for the girl who fell in love with somebody way out of her league and still thinks she has a chance of ever being with him.

We were already at my dorm and I knew that once he walked away, he'd never look me in the eye ever again. So, sensing that this was already over and that there was nothing that I could say or do to fix it. I decided to ask for the one thing that could me happy even though the love of my life wants nothing to do with me and thinks I'm a bad person.

"Hey Zayn. I know that you don't want anything to do with me right now, but can you do me one favor and I promise to never bother you or come in your way ever again ?"

"w..what?" He hesitated for a bit which was understandable.

I tried holding back the sobs that were threatening to split my chest in two when I said the next few words.

"Can you tell me that you love me. Even if you don't mean it. I just want to hear you say it.Lie to me, just this once and I promise to let you go. Even though you were never mine to begin with. "

 He stayed silent for what felt like years and I knew he wasn't going to do it. I felt stupid for even asking him to. What was I thinking ?

I looked down and tried to laugh which came out in a pathetic broken sob and I looked up at him, straight in the eyes for what would probably be the last time. I was preparing to turn around and go inside my door when he said the words that made my heart beat out of my chest.

"I love you, Arabella." And just like that he turned around and walked away taking my heart and all of my senses with him leaving me a lifeless sobbing corpse.

I should've known better than to want what isn't mine.

And never was mine to begin with.

I should've known that it was doomed from the beginning really.

And was now doomed till the end.

I should've known I wasn't always a liar.

And that what Zayn just said was a lie.

But I couldn't bring myself to do it.Because i was too in love with him it hurt. 

And I was lucidly in love it was so clear but not to him.