Instability Within

Chapter 3

A/N: this is a kind of long chapter, I'm so sorry! This actually used to be part of the second chapter, but then I realized that the second chapter was 1700 words long, and so I split it into two, but it wasn't very evenly so this chapter has more. I tried my hardest!

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The first day was easy. It wasn't like they saw each other every day anyway, that would just be exhausting. Alfred did spend the whole day thinking about it, but it was easy to resist when he wasn't in the mood. The next day wasn't difficult either, but when the days started to blur, Alfred found himself constantly veering off his path home towards Ivan's house. Sometimes he would turn back immediately, sometimes he would find himself at Ivan's door before he could force himself to go back. The steps backwards got harder and harder each time, his feet getting heavier.

After two weeks of coming close to pressing his finger on the doorbell, Alfred realized that sheer willpower wasn't going to cut it. He wouldn't be able to do this just by telling himself he couldn't.

He knew that Arthur wasn't the right man to call for this, after being turned down gruesomely. He want quite sure who to call, but he figured Francis was his best bet. From what he knew about Francis, Francis would probably be plenty willing.

He grabbed his cell, clicking Francis' number hurriedly, desperate for any way out of this pit he was in.

"Francis. It's Alfred. I need your help." Alfred hadn't really thought this through. He hadn't thought about whether or not he was going to tell Francis about him and Ivan. He realized now that it might be odd to just hook up with Francis without saying a word, but Francis wouldn't ask questions. Alfred realized he was actually quite lucky to have a friend like this, despite how many times before he had thought of Francis as 'whore' or 'that gay slut'. Francis didn't deserve it, he was actually quite a caring guy.

"What with, my dear Alfred?" Francis asked, and then Alfred realized he didn't know how to say it. He seriously should have planned this out earlier.

"Well, I need... relief... and I was wondering if you would be willing to help me? Maybe today?" Alfred couldn't ask it in any other way, but he knew Francis understand what he needed.

"Je crois que oui, let me check." Alfred could hear Francis move around through the phone. "Assurément, avec plaisir mon ami! Right now?" Francis asked, making sure that he was available.

"Yes. Thank you very much, and I'm so sorry for bothering you like this." Alfred was embarrassed that he had needed to come to Francis for help with something like this, but he would have to get over it. Francis was his best option.

"It's no trouble, don't worry about it. I'll be right over!" Francis stayed true to his words, arriving twenty minutes later. Alfred wasn't quite sure what he expected when Francis arrived, probably him wearing lingerie or something, but he wasn't. Francis showed up carrying a plate of cookies, and box of tissues, and a vase of freshly cut roses.

"I wasn't quite sure what you needed, so I just brought everything." Francis grinned, walking past Alfred, straight into his home. "Come sit." Francis sat down the table, motioning to the seat next to him.

Alfred cautiously took a seat. He didn't knew whether or not to tell Francis, but it looked like that was what Francis expected him to do. "Oh... well, erm, are you sure? This is an awful lot of stuff, I wasn't expecting this. You didn't need to bother."

"Yes, I did. It wasn't as if anyone else was going to. You wanted sex, but that is not what you need right now, mon ami."

"But-"

"Just try this first. If you're unsatisfied afterwards, then alright, but afterwards." Francis moved his chair right next to Alfred. He he opened the box of cookies, grabbing one for himself and holding another out towards Alfred. "Now spill. It's alright if you don't want to tell me everything, but you need to get it out.  Don't worry, I'm quite experienced at keeping secrets."

The smile Francis gave Alfred right then was unlike him. Alfred had never seen this side of him, a side offering more than just a hook up for relief, offering friendship. Alfred hadn't expected to ever see Francis smile so sweetly towards him.

"Well..." Alfred hesitated to tell Francis, because many people were afraid of the idea of Ivan and Alfred together. They both held a lot of sway in many areas, and had a lot of friends. Together, anyone who wasn't in their favor would be very unlucky. "Well, it was with Ivan." Francis' eyes widened a little, but he didn't say anything. "He and I, we slept together upon occasion..."

"Upon occasion?" Francis grinned, near laughter.

"Maybe a little more often than that. He is still in love with Toris, I think." Alfred sighed. It was depressing to talk about things like that.

"And? Why does that matter to you?" Francis encouraged him, pushing him in the right direction towards a realization.

"I'm not really sure. He was only there for me to secretly get back at Arthur." Alfred shrugged. It was probably a bad sign that he didn't even understand his own emotions.

"And do you still feel anything for Arthur?" Francis asked gently, trying to get informed, so he could help Alfred sort things out.

"No... no, I don't think so." Alfred shook his head. He had been upset for a very long time, and didn't think he would ever get over it, but he had.

"And you continued to stay with him, even after you stopped caring for Arthur?" Francis was quickly catching onto what Alfred was feeling.

"Yes. I didn't see why not. It was just convenient." Alfred didn't see anything wrong with what he had done.

"And now, you're upset that Ivan has feelings for someone? Maybe you're... jealous?" Francis suggested timidly.

"No, I haven't gone back to Ivan for a while. I've been trying to leave him, so that he can have a life with Toris if that's what he wants. The problem is that... is that..." Alfred trailed off, his eyes watering. "I'm sorry."

"Don't be. This is helping you. Do you miss him?" Francis asked cautiously, trying not to push Alfred over the edge.

"Yes... I think so." Alfred tried to think about it, but then realized that maybe thinking wasn't what he needed to do in this situation. He calmed himself down, taking a couple deep breaths. Then he stopped thinking, and felt. He imagined several situations, how would he feel if Ivan died? How would he feel if Ivan turned him down? How would he feel if Ivan said he loved him?

"Ok, you don't have to tell me your answer to this one if you don't want. Just so long as you answer it for yourself. Do you miss him physically, or emotionally? Or both?" Francis was beginning to get the idea.

"Uh, well, both I think." Alfred admitted sheepishly. How could he have not seen this before? He was in love with Ivan. "But please. I need to let him go. He doesn't love me."

"Are you sure that is a wise idea?" Francis knew that Alfred could make decisions for himself, but that didn't mean that they were always wise ones. "You could go talk to him about it."

"Yes, I'm sure. Please help me." Alfred was practically begging.

"If that is what you're sure you want."