Instability Within

Chapter 4

Ivan had messed up. He recognized it when he didn't see Alfred for a week. It was unusual to miss Alfred for so long. Ivan didn't even see Alfred in public, it seemed that Alfred was avoiding him.

He was desperate to see Alfred again, to apologize for his mistake, but he knew that he didn't have permission to approach Alfred. Going to Alfred's house would just lead to further trouble. So he waited. He waited to see Alfred again, managing to convince himself that Alfred would come again. Someday.

Alfred didn't.

Ivan began to call Alfred, but no matter how many times he tried, how many messages he left, Alfred never answered.

Alfred did get over Ivan. That was what he convinced himself. He stayed with Francis, unlike how he left Ivan when they were done. He stayed with Francis when they had finished, and Francis had comforted Alfred until Alfred had fallen asleep.

Alfred knew that being near Ivan might rekindle the flame, so he avoided him. When he saw Ivan, he walked in the other direction. When Ivan called, Alfred declined.

It was easier, after being with someone like Francis. Francis was experienced in ways that Ivan wasn't, and he could satisfy Alfred better than Ivan could, faster than Ivan could, and more easily than Ivan could. But Alfred was determined not to rely on Francis the same way he had relied on Ivan months ago. He wasn't going to be the guy who went around, sleeping with people to stop feeling things. He would have a happy life, and he would find someone willing to have it with him. That somebody wasn't Francis, and it wasn't Arthur, and as badly as he wanted it to be, it wasn't Ivan either. So he looked into other people. He got to know other men, seeing who was compatible.

Nobody was. As hard as Alfred searched, he couldn't find anyone who made him as happy to be around as Ivan had. Not just in sex. Ivan and Alfred had talked sometimes. Alfred had discovered that he actually enjoyed Ivan, not just as a partner, but as a friend.

But that time was over. If nobody was as good as Ivan, Alfred would just go with nobody. Perhaps he would find somebody when he was older. He wasn't that desperate, he had been single his whole life so far, he didn't need an actual relationship. He would be fine.

--------

Ivan was getting sick and tired of Alfred's act. Working up his courage, he walked to Alfred's door. He hadn't been there before, but he had been near. He had seen Alfred go in many times, and knew that it was Alfred's house. He had just never been invited in. He knew he wasn't welcome, but he wasn't going to let that stop him this time.

Rapping on the door quite loudly, he tapped his foot impatiently. Alfred opened the door, taking his lovely time to do so.

Alfred, seeing Ivan, gave a small gasp. He had never expected something so bold. But immediately after, he held up his hand, "Nope. Nopenopenopenopenopetynope." His other hand darted out to grab the door handle once more, to pull it shut.

Ivan stared at the door with such intensity that it startled Alfred a little. He willed it not to shut, to stay open, no matter why. And it did. Alfred pulled the handle, but the door didn't budge an inch. Creasing his eyebrows, he grabbed it with his other hand as well, pulling with his whole body.

The door broke. Alfred had no lack of arm strength, and he pulled the door off the hinges. It would have collapsed onto him, had Ivan not reached out and grabbed it in time. Alfred pulled himself off the floor after he had fallen backwards. Ivan reached a hand, helping him up while steadying the door with the other.

"Thanks." Alfred knew that no matter how much he wanted to get away from Ivan, there was no excuse to be rude after being offered help. "What in the world happened there? I've never had trouble with that door before!"

Ivan shrugged. He may have willed it to do that, but that didn't mean that it was his fault. "Anyway, why have you been avoiding me?"

"Because you want to be with Toris, right? And I'm keeping you from being with him." Alfred had barely said anything, but he was near breaking down. His voice cracked, and he had to look upwards to prevent tears from falling.

Ivan was shocked that Alfred was so emotional about this. He had thought Alfred didn't care about him, but perhaps he was wrong.

"I- I never said that..." Ivan knew that this was his fault, but he tried to pretend he didn't. He knew what he should be doing right now, explaining and apologizing, but he couldn't force the words out.

"You might as well have. Besides," Alfred took a deep breath in, "I've found someone else to be with."

Ivan froze, able to do nothing but blink for several seconds. "W- what do you mean? Who?"

Alfred hadn't prepared a good lie, so he just spat out the first name that popped into his head. "Oh, uh, Arthur. He- he finally came to accept my feelings for him, and now we're together. He doesn't want people to know, though."

Ivan turned away, abandoning all the things he had planned on saying. "Well then, good luck to the two of you."

"Uh, thanks." Alfred hovered for several moments until he was sure that Ivan was gone. Finally able to drop his guard, he sank to the floor sobbing.

Ivan was lost. Both mentally and physically. He couldn't get the thoughts out of his head, couldn't think straight, but he also realized he had no clue where he was going. He had left, lucky enough not to crash while driving and crying at the same time. He had needed to get away, and he had. Not just from Alfred, he couldn't go home either. Everywhere he looked, there was something that reminded him of Alfred. The only safe place to go was somewhere far away. So Ivan went as far away as he could. He kept driving until he didn't recognize the landscape anymore, until the frost that had surrounded the world where he had been was no longer lingering. It felt as if he was in an entirely different universe, one where he could almost forget about Alfred and live a happy life.

Except as hard as Ivan tried, some small part of Alfred stayed with him. He knew he would have to live with this small part for the rest of his life, but he decided that he would still do his best to at least live a happy life. A happy life where he never saw Alfred again, where he could finally relax and not worry about concealing his feelings.