H.O.P.E.|| S.M.

Shape of You

I was sitting on my, bed reading one of my Clifford books that my dad had gotten me, when I heard something bang against the floor.  I was curious as to what had happened but the picture on the next page grabbed my attention. Some time must have passed as I struggled to read the simple words on the page but I was pulled out of my trancelike concentration when I heard my dad yell. I got up and ran towards where the sound seemed to be coming from, which ended up being my parents bathroom. When I walked in, I saw my dad holding my moms body close to his chest crying. My mom had been laying in a puddle of her own blood which had come from two, deep vertical slits she had made along her forearm. I stood there in shock as silent tears ran down my face.

"This is all your fault! Why didn't you help her?!" My dad was yelling at me through my tears.

"I'm sorry daddy. I didn't know" I cried.

"You are worthless. You made her life so miserable that she killed herself! This is all your fault!" He kept repeating that over and over. It was my fault that she was dead. If only I was a better child, if only I was smarter, if only I had walked over here. This is my fault...

"Brynlee..."

"Brynlee...Please..."

"Brynlee...Wake up darling" I woke up half gasping for air, half sobbing. I had tears running down my face and I felt as if my heart had been ripped out of my chest. The memories of the dream came back and I hated that I had to relive it again. People always say that time heals all wounds but that's a lie. It's been 11 years and that day still plagues me.

Shawn: Hey, are you okay? I was so confused as to who was talking to me but that voice seemed so familiar.

Shawn: Brynlee I realized it was Shawn, and he was still on the phone. I grabbed my phone and looked at the time to see it was only 3:30 am

Me: I'm sorry I woke you up. I tried to say it without it sounding too horrible but it didn't work. I sat there and tried to collect myself but nothing was working. I just sat there, a sobbing mess, while Shawn was listening. I really didn't want him to see this side of me but I couldn't help it.

Shawn: What's wrong Brynlee? He said in a soothing voice. I couldn't breathe. My breathing became gasps and I began to freak out.

Shawn: Brynlee just calm down. Listen to my voice. Breath in. Breath out. Breath in...and out As he said this he was breathing with me. I was finally able to calm down and stop crying. I took one last deep breath and laid back down.

Shawn: What happened

Me: Nothing.

Shawn: That's a lie. I woke up to you sobbing and mumbling things. I was so worried. So what happened?

Me: It was just a bad dream, nothing to worry about.

Shawn: Do you have these dreams often?

Me: Umm I don't know, I guess.

Shawn: How often?

Me: What is this? 20 Question?

Shawn: Please just answer.

Me: Three or four times a week. I haven't had them recently and I kinda forgot how bad they were...

Shawn: It's okay. It's over now.

Me: But they will be back.

Shawn: And i will be there when it happens.

Me: No you wont.

Shawn: I will make it a point to be here with you at night when I can.