b r e a t h e // phan

0.7

•phil•

Dan followed me back to my room after breakfast. We talked and laughed the whole way there, and I found myself trying to walk a bit slower than usual, not only to catch my breath a little, but also because I wanted this moment to last forever

Maybe, I did like Dan a little bit... a little bit. He had such a personality and humor that was so special to me, I really didn't know how to explain it. Yet, he seemed so broken, so down... He needed somebody to heal him again. I believed I could do it.

But, honestly, how much healing can you do to someone who is already so broken?

Though, I really have no idea how broken he is.

As we walked into my hospital room, the nurse, Kailie, had helped me hook my IV back up and got me all set up, and she saw that Dan was with me.

"Hey, Dan! How are you?" Kailie asked, smiling at him.

He shrugged, smiling politely, "Fine as I'll ever be. Yourself?"

"Doing good. Phil, in about thirty minutes, Dr. Marzia is going to come in," Kailie turned to Dan, "and you will have to excuse them amd leave for just a few minutes until they are done."

Dan nodded, and she smiled at us and said she will see us later. She kept giving me a strange look, as if something was up.

After a minute of deciding what to do, Dan hooked up my Wii consule to the tv, and he handed me a remote as he walked over to the couch beside my bed and sat down. I saw that he had put in "Mario Kart 8" into the consule as the beginning screen loaded, showing the title of the game.

"So, Dan, what's your story?" I asked, glancing at him.

His eyebrow raised, "What?"

"I mean, what's your story; how'd you get here, what was your life before this, what is your life like now," I explained.

Dan chuckled a little, "I don't want to turn this fun time into a pity party." However, at this, I shrugged.

"Well, I mean, we may as well get our sorrows and feelings out now while I have the lungs to breathe and you have the heart to live." We both chuckled lifelessly, leaving the choking tension high in the air from the thought of what I had said.

He suddenly had a long look in his eyes, like he was having some dramatic flashback playing in his mind. Finally, after what felt like hours, he opened his mouth.

"So, I guess I should start with basic facts: My name is Daniel James Howell, but please just call me Dan. I'm 18, and, like you already know, I have heart cancer. I was diagnosed with it when I was about 16. My family has always been very supportive and hopeful in my journey, though you may have noticed that my family doesn't come very often." Dan huffed, looking down. Actually, I hadn't seen his family at all since I've been here.

"That's because, well, I was due to die almost five months ago."

My eyes widened and I completely disregarded the fully-loaded game.

"Are you serious?" I asked, looking at him in wonder as he frowned a little. He nodded, looking away subtly.

Well, hey. I'm Dan Howell, and I have heart cancer. And, despite the casualities, I somehow still haven't died yet.

And, despite the casualities, I somehow still haven't died yet.

It suddenly made sense to me what it all meant.

Dan continued on a bit quieter, "my family, being a bunch of self-centered betrayers, left me in my worst state. My health hadn't changed, I just became so depressed and anxiety-ridden because of my knowing that death was to come. I used to be so hopeful that I would live, though I thought I didn't care to die. I always told people to 'please kill me' and that 'I want death.' I thought I'd be happy with knowing the fact that I would die on a certain week. Turns out, I wasn't."

"Me being in my depressed and anxiety-ridden state, I believed that, if no one else, my family should be there to help me through times of tragedy... but they weren't. They decided to leave about a week before the due date of my death and cut off all contact with me just so they wouldn't be emotionally or mentally affected by my death. Just because they didn't want to suffer, they abandoned me for death. Somehow, by some miracle that by then I had wished never happened, I lived," Dan shrugged, huffing.

"Five months later, here I am, and to this day, since July 29, my family has made no contact with me." Dan had a sad smile on his face. His fingers fumbled with the handles on the controller in front of him as he spoke. "I really hate them for what they did, just as any person would, but I still miss them sometimes..." he shrugged. The air was silent between us, except for the soft theme of Mario Kart 8 playing from the TV.

He glanced out the window, which overlooked a little bit of of the building and a part of the busy road outside of the hospital. "Sometimes I imagine that they are here with me, when I'm alone in my hospital room for hours on end. I pretend they are talking to me, asking me how my day was, talking about theirs and catching me up on the neighbors, our family, and friends. I imagine they would come in with balloons and presents and food, just like you've got here," Dan motioned around my room, where I had balloons and the little gifts I received from my family scattered around.

The thought made me frown. There were probably lots of people in this hospital whos family never visits them like Dan's doesn't for various reasons. They would probably kill to be in my position, where I constantly had love and caring directed towards me. Yet, as my mind drifted toward the people in my school, I remembered: there wasn't much love and caring.

But, unlike Dan's case, it was still there.

"That's why I already knew about your case and why I was sitting outside my door the day before yesterday," Dan continued, eyes fixed on the TV as he began setting up the round. "It gets pretty lonely and lifeless inside these hospital rooms, you'd be surprised. So sometimes I'll go outside my room, and just sit on the floor. I look like I'm sleeping sometimes, but I'm wide awake. I can hear every sound in the hallway, every conversation and every footstep. I can see everybody walking past me or walking down the hall. I always hope that when I sit in that hallway, that my fanily will come walk across the hallway from those elevators and hug me and apologize and love me, until I die... It's only on the days it isn't sunny that I do that."

"On sunny days, I look out my window down at the ground, where a small playing area for kids was located right outside the cafeteria. I watch little children running around and laughing and playing games with one another, not in the creepy way, though. I hear their playful yells and conversations, and it warms my heart a little, odd enough as it is." Dan looked at me.

He huffed a little before saying very quietly, "It reminds me that there is some good life left."

•••
it has been so long since i updated i'm so sorry
i have been very busy lately bc its december and christmas and exams and new years and all that stuff. just know in january, i will be updating more, and it will be with a new phone! :)

also this got 200 reads wooO

DID ANYONE WATCH THE YOI FINALE I AM SHOOK I WAS SOBBING IT WAS BEAUTIFUL DEAR LORD

i love you all, and in case i don't hear from you guys, happy holidays to all of you, and happy new year! <3

-kay xx