b r e a t h e // phan

0.9

•phil•

As soon as Dan left my room, I felt my happiness drain from my body.

Now I was bored, lonely, and he hadn't even been gone for one minute. I understand- I'm a very clingy person. If I get a new friend, I stick to them like glue, because chances are, I won't have them for very long. I felt this way with Dan, too- I was scared he would leave me like every other friend I ever had did.

But, oddly enough, it was something else, too. Some other weird feeling I hadn't ever really felt before. It was like, instead of wanting him there, I felt as though I kind of needed him; it was complicated. I felt like I'd known him for a lifetime, when really, it's only been, what, a day? Maybe two? It felt as though my happiness sort of depended on his prescence...

But, I knew what it was. It was my clingy-natured self, I knew it. This time, however, knowing that I'm practically dying, the clinginess decided to get stronger, to hold on to whoever would reach for me.

I felt my happiness drain the second he left, and I couldn't decide what to do about it. I couldn't stand the feeling of being alone.

I can't just call him back here. He has to do all his medication for his heart cancer, he needs rest, as all normal cancer patients do. I can't go to him, for the same reasons. My family was unable to visit today, and also I'd have to take my medication soon. The only people I would probably see the rest of the day would be doctors and nurses.

So what was I to do for the time being?

I didn't really feel like playing anything else on my Wii, so I dragged my IV with me as I went to turn off the console. I flicked the TV off with it, and looked out the window, which shined bright, gray light into my room as storm clouds filled the skies. Normally, storms gave me an eased, steady feeling, but this hospital room made me feel the exact opposite, uneasy and even a little uncomfortable.

I yawned, realising my exhaust, but I knew I wouldn't be able to sleep. I just decided to do something, something I had been forced to do all throughout my years of school, when people would leave me sitting all alone at lunch, or in class, or anywhere else besides with my family for that matter-

Just think.

Just sit, and think.

I found my mind traveling back to when I was a younger teen, fourteen years old maybe. I remember something mildly inconvenient would happen and I would say something like "I want death," or, "someone please kill me." I laughed at the irony, looking around at the hospital room around me. Why was I such a stupid, oblivious little kid?

But I suppose everyone was, weren't they? Everybody was once a small, clueless child that really didn't think about their actions, the consequences that might come from it in the future. I'll give fourteen-year-old me that. However, I loved the fact that I was such an adventurous child- I made the most of life while I had it.

Stop thinking like that Phil, you still do have it! A voice inside me snapped, and I wanted to listen to it. I was being so dramatic- I was only diagnosed with cancer yesterday and I'm alreay thinking like I died.

While we're on the topic, Dan naturally discussed death like it wasn't anything big. Like it wasn't the end of your life. How? With all the cluelessness about the afterlife, death, life itself, how are we supposed to talk about it regularily?

I guess you could say it was just because we all know death is inevitable, so why not discuss it like it is?

But is no one else terrified of what might happen when they are actually faced with the possibility of death?

I needed to stop. I snapped out of my deep and existential thoughts, noticing my elevated heart rate and my rapid breathing. It was a little hard to breathe, and I tried to calm myself down.

Think about rainbows or... or Buffy! Maybe Mom's really good chicken sandwiches. Or... think about Dan! Your first friend in a while that, with good hope, may actually... stay?

My breathing steadied out as my thoughts froze. Dan... staying? No. Probably not.

He seemed easily agitated at breakfast. Who says he doesn't secretly think I'm annoying, or I talk too much, or... I don't know. Maybe he doesn't want a friend.

He might be one of those guys that just hates everybody and does not even like socializing with anybody. But if that was the case, why did he agree to come up to my hospital room with me to play Mario Kart? It didn't make sense.

I decided I would calm myself down, before my assumptions went to dark places. Maybe he will be a friend that stays. Maybe we can be friends for the rest of our lives- no matter how short or long that may be. But who knows, maybe he won't abandon me!

Besides, neither of us can exactly leave, can we?

•••
hi sorry it took me forever to update i'm lazy

k so i got a twitter if you guys want to follow me? its @ lesterthicc

i love you guys sm, sorry for the existential crisis you received from this chapter <3

-kay xx