Rainbows and mists, moonlight and glittering rivers, sunset and sunrise, and all is just a mere part of this world.
But I'm getting tired... tired of how beautiful the flowers smile each day, of how refreshing the ocean waves sound, of how warm love is. I'm getting tired of how the butterflies fly so gracefully, so proud of how their wings intermingle with the golden rays of light.
Everything just seemed to be too beautiful, too amazing, too... perfect. It's not that I don't appreciate it. Let's just say... well, I don't really know the exact word for it. I mean, maybe I just needed to see something new, something different.
And so I ventured into the unfamiliar darkness, thinking that maybe, just maybe, it would give me a different scenario to stare at.
And it did. It showed me how wasted my life is -- no, let me rephrase that. It showed me how wasted I am, not my life, not my world... me. Because I realized that I am just another coward, another fool. I mean, who am I kidding? My world was actually so perfect it felt like I was the only mess in it. I didn't feel like I belong in my own world at all.
It's not that people don't care about me; it's not that I wasn't loved. I was actually loved -- so loved that I started to feel undeserving knowing how flawed I am. I don't get it! How could they love such a trash as I? How could they admire someone like me? I don't get it at all.
Well, I used to love the feeling of being loved, of being cared for. And used to be so thankful that I was so blessed. I used to be so confident of myself, believing that I was an exquisite work of art.
Until I realized that I am nowhere close to a masterpiece. I am not even the alluring lights of a fireworks display. I am just the smoke left in the sky after the extravagant brightness. But they still stare at me, awed at the random and senseless forms that I am made of.
I know I keep on disappointing everyone -- including myself, that is. But they just smile at me and tell me it was okay and cheer me up and even hug me. It is all overwhelming, I don't know how to give the love back. I don't deserve it, anything of it. But they just keep on giving that I always end up... drowning.
And it hurts... like my lungs are out of air even when I actually got a million tanks of oxygen; like my heart was out of blood to pump but my veins were actually never dry. Don't get me wrong, it was good to have more than enough. The problem is that I don't know what to do with the excess.
It's not that I don't want any of it. It is really warm and great knowing and feeling that people care for me. It's just that I want to be worthy of their affection. I want to stop feeling guilty every time someone tries to make me smile or kisses my forehead. I want to stop feeling awkward each time someone hugs me for comfort or offers me a shoulder to cry on.
I want to actually earn their respect, their admiration. I want to actually work hard for it.
But I don't know how. I tried to learn. And maybe, someway, I did learn. I just don't have any idea how to apply it.
I want to be a better version of me... even if I was never good at all. But that's the point, right? I think I am not enough that's why I feel unworthy. Perhaps what I need is to prove to myself, and not to people, that I am beyond the cost of the heaviest gold... or, okay, that aim is way too high for a starter like me. Let me settle for a diamond. Yeah, diamonds last forever so that would do. I need to make myself accept the fact that I deserved everything I was given and I would be given. I need to see what other people sees in me which made them accept and love me. I need to understand who I am... who I was.
I don't know if I'm making sense but I know that I am afraid... I am afraid that I might be too late when time comes that I am finally ready to do what I need to do.
I have been lost for too long. Lost from the self that I used to be. I am trying to find my way back to myself, yes. But it's just so hard. There are no maps to show me the path, not even a compass to tell me which direction I am trailing. Seriously, where is the GPS when I need it?
All I have was the fading photograph of my dear ole self and that dying feeling of belongingness inside of me; and that hope... that prayer that I wouldn't eventually vanish in my own darkness.
So now, if you please tell me, which way should I go?
***
REALITY CHECK
BY DEMIGODWITHACOFFEE
(A/N: Sorry, guys, if this is kinda different from the inspiring blogs in the first chaps. But I hope you could still reflect on this. *smiles)
YOU ARE READING
Reality Check
Non-FictionI write hoping that my words could somehow lighten your baggage. I know it's not that much but I also happened to prove that even a single gram of pain matters. Now, let me help you... Gram by gram. *** For the people with scattered thoughts and...
