Reality Check

Reality Check: Amidst the darkness

I've been reading a lot of posts from people who are depressed lately, so, I thought-- I need to write for these people. So, yeah, I hope this testimony of mine would help you because, my friend, you are not alone...

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The world was rotating so fast that each leaf falling from a spring tree seemed like a raindrop of a heavy storm. The clock was ticking so fast it left me staring at the space between second after second asking myself, "What happened to me?"

I used to walk hand-in-hand with the world, savoring each step as I count each particle of the wind kissing my cells; watching how the sun plays with the complexion of the dull sky before the moon lulls it to slumber. I was so mesmerized with the beauty of the world that time became just another measurement of science. Until every sunset and sunrise felt like the same train routing in the same railroad each day and I was just... staring as every cart passed before my eyes-- so confused with the blurry result of acceleration.

I was busy, so busy doing everything that the world laid before my feet and at the same time so busy deciding on what amongst them should I do next. I was moving-- I knew I was. But it felt like I was stuck... unable to ascend, unable to thrust. I was so busy walking that I forgot where I should be; that one day when I opened my eyes I realized that I was lost... lost in the darkness that I myself probably created.

Venturing into the darkness wasn't sad-- it felt more than that! It felt empty, and the emptiness would creep into my veins numbing every nerve ending under my skin. And the feeling of numbness was maddening that it made me wish for pain instead. I saw silhouettes of people mouthing something however, their words couldn't somehow reach my eardrums. I almost thought I was deaf, but silence rung in my ears like soothing voices both whispering and cheering to encourage me... to give up.

Yet something inside me was so stubborn-- it didn't want to listen to the music of silence. So I shouted, I screamed my lungs out, hoping that someone-- anyone, could hear me... and help me. But no one, nobody seemed to hear, nobody seemed to listen. How could they... when even I couldn't hear my own voice? Of course, there were times when I thought somebody finally lent an ear to me and it would ignite a hope in my heart; but instead of giving me fuel, water was poured-- killing the only light that provided me warmth.

So, I came to the point when I decided to just... fall and cry until tears were coming out no more until even I couldn't hear my own sobs anymore. To just stay still and be consumed inch by inch by the infinite darkness as the soothing whispers and the cheering voices of silence grew louder and louder, and the music started to sound so convincing, and it's happily-ever-after promises started to sound so sweet, lulling my senses to a slumber I'll never wake again.

But just before the last cell of my being close its eyes, a spark of warmth ignited a flame upon the depths of my soul, making my heart utter The Name faded by the ocean of smirking darkness... and drop by drop, a rain of fire poured.

I was so busy... busy dwelling in the thought that I was lost. But God reminded me that He is my destination, that He's got my every step all planned out. That there was a purpose why He allowed me to journey into the dark-- and that isn't to make me suffer but so I would know how it feels to be lost and that I may have the heart to hear those silenced screams around me and reach out to them. He allowed me to walk into the darkness because He wanted me to realize that He made me a light, and that He was confident that I could outshine the night. But I was too busy, so busy being miserable.

Praise God! He always has His eyes on me. He knew how many times my flame went sideways every time the wind tries to blow the life out of it. But I was so busy being worried that I failed to see His hand spread around my light to protect me from being blown not only by the wind but also by the world. He saw when I was only a spark away from giving up; when He finally heard me called for His name, even though it was less than a whisper and I was too weak to even ask, He knew what exactly I need. And God loves me so much that He gave me more than what I deserved despite all my flaws, despite all imperfections. So instead of pouring fuel into my dimming light, He poured a river of flame into my darkness. God loves me so much that He didn't pull me back to light, instead, He brought light into my darkness. He turned my darkness into light. He showed me that He is with me every step of the way; that I am not alone-- never was and never will be.

I used to walk hand-in-hand with the world, but the world was rotating so fast that each leaf from a spring tree fell like a raindrop of a heavy storm-- and I realized that I held the wrong hand. So, with the light that God poured into my life, I saw a hand waiting for me. The same hand that had been protecting me when I was busy thinking I was strong; the same hand that had been guiding me when I was so busy worrying where I should go; the same hand that has been covering my ears when I was so busy listening to the wicked silence... The same hand that God has been offering but I was so busy to see it.

So now, I walk hand-in-hand with God, savoring each step as we count how many times the Polaris twinkle each minute, and watch how the sun plays with the complexion of the dull sky as the day lull the moon to slumber. So mesmerized with the beauty of God that time became just another measurement of science. And every sunset and sunrise passes-- clothed with colours mingled with glitters, cloaked with melted gold and silver. And together, we observe each darkness being unlit... no more.