HHHHH

Angst

I breathed out a shaky breath. The paint brush gently moved across the small grooves of the canvas with the purple pigment . I took in a deep breath. It'd been awhile since I'd last painted for myself. I'd forgotten how relaxing it was. There was nothing specific I wanted to paint. I just needed to paint something. The smell of the pine from the candles burning in the corner filled the air. I needed this. The warm sun shined through the windows and curtains filling me with the determination I needed to finish. Of course, the silence bothered me. I paused. I felt lonely. Glancing around the apartment that was cluttered with boxes, art supplies, and clothes. If he were here he would have chided me about leaving my things all about. I set down my brush and hugged my arms and stared at my work with a tilted head. It was an abstract painting of the ocean at sunset. His favourite place. I sighed and stood up to make myself a cup of coffee. The kitchen wasn't as cluttered but was had a few boxes on the counter. I started the coffee maker and leaned against the island and began looking through my phone as I waited. Once my drink was done I took a big sip.
"Coffee? With that much sugar? Really? Ugh, you're disgustingly American you know that?" His laugh rang through my memory. I smiled before taking another sip. I stared at the cabinet with the chip in it's wood. I felt the numbing cold crawl up from deep inside my chest to my hands and arms to my head. Even though the cup was so warm, it could not give me the comfort I needed. I looked away and slid down to the floor and let my head rest onto the wood with a bonk. The box full of my unnecessary thing stared down at me menacingly. Reminding me of just how long it's been sat there. The truth is I've let my place get this way because it makes if feel less empty. The clutter helps me not feel so alone. Even though that is what I am. Alone. Five weeks they said. A couple of days was most likely for his condition, but five weeks was the average. It's been seven. That's over a month. I stood up and walked back to my painting.
What else could I possibly add to this? Or was it finished? I took another sip of my coffee. It was done, I decided, gently lifting it off the easel and setting it somewhere to dry before putting another canvas on it. That had been a painting to express and encourage hope. Full of colour and joy. With a sigh I set down my mug and picked a brush.
My phone began buzzing on the marble counter in the kitchen. I stared at the archway into the kitchen considering whether or not I should get up. I then set the brush back down and made my way back to the kitchen, mug of joe in hand. I looked down at the cellphone debating whether or not I should answer it. Hesitantly, I picked it up to see who it was. Sarai. I set my cup down and answered the phone.
"Hel-"
"He's awake!" She cried. My heart skipped a beat.
"Wh-what?" I stuttered.
"He's awake! I'm heading over to the hospital now, Ellie is there and she just called me and told me that the hospital called his dad who then called her and the hospital told him that Miles woke up!" She exclaimed. I almost dropped the phone. Awake? He'd been in that coma for a month and a half. I was starting to think he'd never wake up, even though the doctors did say it's rare for a coma to last forever. But they had also told me I wouldn't have to wait five weeks let alone seven.
I hung up and quickly ran out of the kitchen and grabbed my coat and keys. I barely stopped to Lock the door as I rushed to the car. I started the engine. It took too long to get to the Pau Hospital. I parked as fast as I could and dashed inside and made my way to the ICU. Immediately I saw Sarai talking to a girl with silver hair who I assumed from a distance was Ellie. It was. She noticed me first and gave me a sad smile.
"Hansel?" She whispered. Sarai turned to face me. I realised I looked like a mess. I probably smelled bad, too.
"Hansel," Sarai sighed.
"How is he doing?" I gasped, trying to sneak a peek into his room. "Can I see him? Is he talking?" Sarai and Ellie glanced at each other.
"Well, yes but..." Sarai trailed off.
"He's slowly, uh, he is..." Ellie seemed to search for the right words. "You can go in and see him but, take it easy. He's still in the recovery stages and needs time." I nodded. I felt nervous. I began to ring my shaking hands. Sarai put a hand on my shoulder.
"You got this," she said quietly. I smiled at her and took a few steps into the room. There he was. He was talking to a nurse in hushed tones. He lay silhouetted by the light shining behind him. I wanted to do nothing but run up to him and kiss him. He looked up at the sound of the door creaking. I gave him a small wave. He raised an eyebrow and glanced at the nurse and whispered something to her. She nodded and got up and left.
"Uh, hi, Miles," I said as I walked closer to him. He looked at me warily, glancing at the door.
"Ah, hello," he seemed a bit confused.
"How are you feeling, Millie?" I asked.
"A bit of a headache, and I'm also having bits of, er, memory issues," his accent was heavier than usual. It was kind of strange but I didn't mind, I was grateful to just be hearing his voice at all.
"Memory issues?" I repeated searching his face. There were small scratches on his chin and forehead that were scarring. His skin was so much paler than I was used to. It was missing its usual glow and shine.  His hair had grown some since he had had the surgery. He had hit his head quite hard and they had to have some of his hair shaved off. It was nice to see his dark curls growing back, thick and healthy. It had been so long since I'd seen his eyes in person. His beautiful Hazel eyes. They were so unique and beautiful . They were a glowing golden in some lighting. But in the moment, in the fluorescent hospital lights it was his usual green with a rim of brown. He laughed nervously.
"Yeah, actually, you'll have to forgive me, mate. I have no bloody clue who you are, then," he scratched the back of his neck. My smile twitched and my heart sunk hard and fast.
"Oh?" Was all I was able to say. He couldn't remember me? He gave a snort of laughter.
"I'm so sorry, mate. I mean, don't take it personally, I didn't even have a right clue I was in bloody America. Gave me a real fright, I was so confused. Last I remember..." he trailed off and thought. "I don' remember anything specific I suppose but you can imagine it. Here I am thinkin' I'm back in Norfolk. I Wake up an'- poof! I'm a hop, skip and a jump across the bloody pond!" He still had the same beautiful smile. Same beautiful laugh. He looked up at me and shrugged. "So, ah, could you tell me who you are?" I felt tears begin to stream down my face. He couldn't remember me? How could he not remember me? Why did this have to happen to us? His smile fell.
"Oh, fuck, I'm sorry, are you alright? Why are you crying?" He asked, his voice panicked . I grabbed his hand.
"Can I... Can I hug you Millie?" I snivelled. He seemed even more confused.
"Er, yeah, sure?" He had barely finished talking before  my arms were around him. I was sobbing. He gave me awkward pats on the back.
"Hansel?" I heard Sarai at the door but I didn't look up. I kept my face buried in his now tear stained chest. "Hansel, come on, give him some space." Her hand was now on my arm. "He doesn't know who you are, Hansel. You're gonna stress him out!" she hissed.
"No, no it's perfectly alright, Love," the tone of his voice changed to that of a sultry one. The voice he used to use with me. He was flirting. I looked up and glared at her. She seemed taken aback by my gaze.
"I don't know why he's acting like this exactly," Miles continued, "but I'm sure there's a good reason, I just don't know it. Though, betwe-" Sarai raised a hand to stop Miles.
"You just woke up from a coma and you're already flirting with anything that walks," she criticised with a scowl. He smirked.
"Not just anything, I only flirt with the cute ones, Love," he winked. If my heart could break any further it just did. I pulled away and buried my head in my hands. Sarai frowned and glanced at me sadly. She pulled up a chair next to me and pulled me in close.
"It's okay, Hansel, don't cry, honey," she whispered. She turned to Miles. "Oh, Miles, did it ever occur to you that you might, I don't know, already be taken?" She gestured towards me and patted me on the back as I stared at my left hand. He laughed but slowly stopped when he realised what she meant.
"Oh, oh my god," Mile's face paled a bit more. I began nervously spinning the shiny gold ring around my finger and sniffed.
"Obviously, Hansel here didn't spend anytime telling you who he was," Sarai used the end of her blue sweater to wipe my tears.
"We, no. No, he did not," Miles replied with a distant tone.
"Sorry," I muttered, blushing in embarrassment. Miles still seemed a bit slow.
"He's your fiancé, Miles," she sighed. Miles blinked.
"I'm engaged?" He gasped in disbelief. "That..." he didn't finish the sentence and eyed me up and down. I felt my hands begin to shake.
"I'm sorry," I felt my tears fall onto my lap. My insecurities and paranoia started to heat up. Why was he looking at me like that? Did this mean he didn't find me attractive? Why did he propose, then? Did he even want to be with me? You're disgusting. Disgusting and needy, Hansel. Of course he doesn't want to be with you. He's probably disappointed as hell with you being his fiancée. Look at you!
I began to spiral with my thoughts, the room darkened. We're the walls always this close? I began to hyperventilate. Sarai ran a hand through my matted hair.
"Breathe, hon, breathe. In for three and out for four. Hey, Hansel, darling, why don't we go into the hall and help you calm you down?" Sarai's voice was comforting. I nodded and stood with her and she helped me out of the room. I noticed that Miles' siblings were here. They were talking to Ellie. Sarai gave me a gentle pat on the shoulder and sat me down in a chair. The twins took notice that I was no longer in the room and immediately walked into Miles' room.
Everything felt like it was spinning. This wasn't how it was supposed to go. He was supposed to wake up and we would hug and kiss and he would comment how I looked like a mess but that's why he loved me. We were supposed to go back home and let things get better. But he doesn't even remember. He doesn't remember anything.
I felt my shoulders begin to shake as relived that tragic night. The night that put him in this terrifying hospital.
Made him forget everything.
Forget me.
I didn't want to. I was tired of remembering it. I was tired of feeling so cold and empty and remorseful.
"Hansel, are you alright?" She asked. I could barely hear her. I couldn't even look up at her. "Hansel do I need to get someone?" My head felt like a twenty pound bowling ball as I lifted it up. I saw her silhouette. The lights were blinding, the world was spinning, my head was pounding. I heard Sarai call out my name as everything went black for a moment.