HHHHH

A touch of angst

Miles was obviously uncomfortable with idea of moving in with a stranger, even if I was technically engaged to him. Eventually he did warm up to the idea a little. The doctors recommended physical therapy to help him get back into shape and help rehabilitate some of the more minor things that may have occurred during the accident. I had spent that week cleaning up the house and learning the ropes of my new job, which to my horror involved a lot more of talking on the phone than I thought. That was the catch to it being a working at home kind of job. I'd set up the room for Miles, knowing it would be a while before we would be sharing it again, and I would be sleeping on the couch. I'd finally organised the damned boxes with the help of Calisto and put them up. I also bought a few of Miles' favourite candles and tea to help him feel more welcome when he came home.
The day he was ready to come home, Sarai, Ellie and I waited in the lobby patiently for about half an hour before he was pushed out in a wheel chair. Sarai stifled a laugh at his obviously grumpy face. We settled him in the car and drove to the apartment. When we got there Miles stared at the building. Squinting as if trying hard to remember it. It hurt my heart. Our eyes met for a moment. They were the same hazel eyes I had gazed into for three and a half years. But at the same time, they were different. More vacant. I was the first to look away. I knew I had to stay strong for him. I couldn't even imagine what it was like for him. Not being able to remember anything. I wondered where his memories ended. What was the last thing exactly? Had he recollected anything in the week he was in the hospital? He obviously recognised his father, but apparently he didn't recognise his siblings. They had changed so much in the past couple years. Maybe he only remembered certain things? The entire drive he had spent flirting with Sarai. I couldn't help but feel, oh what's the word? Jealous? I know Miles didn't remember me but he did know I was his fiancé. He didn't have to do it in front of me. Sarai and Ellie helped give him a tour of the building. Sarai only lived five minutes away in the rich neighbourhood. It was basically a mansion. I didn't know where Ellie lived.
"Alright, well, darling if you need anything, your father and I are just a phone call away," she said giving Miles a hug.
"Same here, if you need anything you know I'm there, my friend," she added a bit of emphasis on the 'friend'. I gave her a gratefull smile. She winked at me. "You too, kiddo. I love you guys." Sarai pulled me into a hug.
"Thank you," I hummed. She pulled away and grinned.
"Ah what, no hug for me?" Miles smirked. Sarai glanced at me and gave me a look that read as 'are you sure your gonna be okay, Miles isn't really acting like Miles, and if you have one of your breakdowns he isn't going to be able to help you'. I shrugged. She rolled her eyes. She gave Miles a pat on the head and said her goodbyes with Ellie and left, leaving me and Miles alone. The first thing he did was go into our room and change into something that was casual. He left the room wearing a yellow t-shirt and some jeans looking a bit frustrated. I didn't feel like bothering him by asking him why. He looked around and walked over to the blue grey couch. He hesitantly sat down on it, feeling the soft surface. I cleared my throat and sat on the other side.
"So," I started, not really knowing what to say. I wanted to start some kind of conversation. "Uh, you know what's been killing me all week? Your father's accent. I mean I know it's from the UK but I can't put a finger on where! You told me once but I just can't remember, haha. You wouldn't happen to be able to tell me, would you?" He looked at me with his vacant, hazel eyes.
"Ah, erm, actually, no, I can't remember meself, where he's from, sorry," he tilted his head. I blushed.
"Right, right. Sorry, dumb question," I wanted to slap myself. Stupid, stupid, stupid. We sat in awkward silence for a few minutes. I thought it would never end when suddenly, a brilliant idea popped into my head.
"I got an idea!" I stood and Miles gave me a quizzical look. "Let's watch your favourite movie."
"My favourite movie?" He repeated.
"Yeah!" I went over to the DVD rack and pulled out the worn cover. 'Pirates of the Caribbean.' I turned to him smiling.
"That's my favourite movie?" He questioned.
"You loved pirates. Bordering obsessed, you would beg me to watch a Pirates of the Caribbean marathon almost once a week. You even tried to convince me to go on this weird pirate themed cruise for our honeymoon, which I absolutely did not want. I was able to get you to settle on a Disney cruise to the Caribbean." I chuckled as I turned on the TV and put the movie in.
"Our honeymoon was going to be a Disney cruise?" He looked at me incredulously. I nodded.
"We were planning on mooching some money from your parents in order to have our wedding at Disneyland, so we could get married in front of sleeping beauty's castle," I told him.
"Really?" His eyes became a bit cloudy. I watched him. Maybe he was remembering something? My heart swelled with hope. He blinked and looked at me. He didn't say anything, he just gave me half a smile. I sighed and sat back on the couch. We watched through the old trailers. There was something so nostalgic about the whole thing. Miles had knit eyebrows as the movie went to the menu. I chuckled as I pressed play on the remote. He perked up as soon as the music started. He became absorbed in it. The characters, the costumes,the atmosphere-he couldn't help but comment on it all.
He got especially excited every time Jack would come on screen. His eyes lit up. They were just like the ones I fell in love with. He grabbed my hand during the last epic fight scene, it sent a spark of lightning right up my spine. Every laugh and gasp brought back my fiancé, my best friend. I wanted nothing more than to kiss him on the cheek right then and there. Of course that would've been a little awkward for him so I didn't but... I realised that I wasn't even watching the movie I was watching him. He noticed this as well and blushed. I felt my cheeks redden as well at being caught. I looked at the floor and pulled my hand out of his as I stood up .
"I'm gonna... get something to drink," I told him. "You want something?" He looked thoughtfully for a moment.
"I could fancy a cuppa, if it's not too much trouble," he smiled gratefully at me. I nodded and walked into the kitchen. It was much easier to find things now that it was clean. I started a kettle and pulled out Miles' favourite black tea. I also grabbed an apple juice from the fridge. I was on my way to the cabinet to grab a mug for the his drink when I noticed  the chip in the white painted wood. I came to a slow halt, staring at it. I ran a finger over it, recalling the sound of glass shattering.
I sighed and opened the door and grabbed Miles' skull and crossbones mug. It didn't take long for the kettle to begin squealing. As soon as everything was ready I walked back into the living room.
"Here you go," I smiled handing him the mug.
"Aha, cheers, love!" He gently took it from my hands and my heart skipped a beat when our finger touched. I sat back down beside him sipping my apple juice. The spots where he touched burned my skin. In a good way. I looked up at the tv and realised the movie was almost over.
"Oh, you want me to get out the second one?" I asked. He gasped.
"There are more?" He exclaimed. I nodded and pulled out three other discs.
"Oh. My. God." He took the one in the middle from me.
"There's also one that'll be coming out next year," I told him. He looked up at me wide eyed. He sat up on his knees to get eye level with me. He was bubbling with excitement.
"We have to go and see it when it comes out, Antony," he set down his mug. "Let's go to the premiere. Please. Who knows if they'll make another one? This is a once in a lifetime opportunity!"
"Oh, I'm sure they're gonna make more of them," I sighed under my breath while rolling my eyes. He gripped the front of my shirt and pulled me closer to him.
"We could meet Captain Jack Sparrow, Hans," he seemed seriously determined. I, however, took notice to the fact that he called me Hans. And was very aware at how close our faces were and the fact that his hands had unclenched themselves from my shirt and started moving on my chest a bit seductively. I became extremely flustered in response but didn't pull away. I felt the DVDs slipping from my hands. He moved his face in closer and whispered the nickname again. I could feel his warm breath on my neck. His lips pressed against my skin softly. The movies had now fallen on couch and my hands moving to his waist. God I needed this. My eyelids began to flutter closed as he moved up my neck to my lips. I wanted this.
But Before we could continue or go any further something stopped me. This wasn't right. I don't know why Miles wanted to do this but it definitely wasn't right. I removed his hands from my chest. He pulled away and gave me a quizzical stare.
"Maybe," I panted, "I, uh, I'll be right back I need to do something real quick." I slowly slid off the couch and left the living room to go to the bedroom to calm down. What was that? I highly doubt he wanted to kiss me because he remembered me. No, he definitely didn't. I flopped down on the bed, being careful not to ruin the sheets. Is this what amnesia did to people? I didn't know exactly what I was asking myself. Did what exactly? Sure, it wasn't out of the ordinary for me and my fiancé to get a little frisky but the man in my living wasn't my fiancé. Well, he was but he just didn't know it yet. Or remember. Miles wasn't one to go making out with strangers. Or was he and I just had no idea? Was this just showing me his true colours or reverting him to a place he was in before we were together?
My head hurt. I didn't know how I was supposed to cope with my spiralling thoughts. I wanted to stay strong for Miles but it was so hard. The love of my life was gone for now and possibly forever. And at that moment, the water works began. I sniffled quietly in the dark. The faint noises of the movie playing in the living room could be heard. I hugged my arms. Why was I crying?
Too sensitive. Stressed out. So much was happening. So much. Too much. I lay there crying for who knows how long. Why couldn't I just be strong enough for him for one day? This was the first day? Crying over a kiss or two? Really? Pathetic pathetic pathetic.
No.
I couldn't just keep laying there wallowing in self loathing. I could be strong for him, and I will be. I have to be. I sat up and wiped my face. I took a couple of deep breaths and got up. I opened the door and went into the bathroom to get some cool water on my face.
I looked at my disgusting face in the mirror. My pale freckled skin was red and puffy. My curly strawberry blonde hair was an absolute disheveled mess. My blue eyes had turned red due to being irritated and swollen. I looked ridiculous. A pat my face dry and put some eye drops in. I fixed my hair as I waited for my face was back to normal then forced a smile and walked back to the couch. Miles had started the next film. He glanced at me as I sat down and grabbed my cup. He bit his lip nervously. We both sat in a newfound awkward tension in the air. I rubbed my ring and knit my eyebrows together trying to think of something to say.
"Ah, after this we should watch Goonies, you like that one too," I said. His eyes lit up.
"Oh! I know that one!" He exclaimed. I raised an eyebrow.
"You do?"
"Yeah! The kids who go on a treasure hunt and are being chased by like murderers?" He looked up hopefully. I smiled.
"Yep! That's the one," I told him. He grinned and turned back to the TV.  I noticed his hands fidgeting nervously. I raised an eyebrow.
"Are you okay?" I asked. He shrugged. I pursed my lips. "I, uh, I'm sorry. I know this is going to be a difficult transition. Um, I don't want you to feel upset or uncomfortable-"
"I'm fine," he sighed. After a beat of silence His stomach growled and we both chuckled awkwardly. "Maybe a Little hungry."
"I guess I am too," I smiled. "Do you want anything in particular?" He paused the movie and thought. He eventually shrugged.
"Do you just want some McDonald's? You know what McDonald's is don't you?" I asked. It was an important question. He giggled.
"Yes, yes I know what McDonald's is," he said. I let out a sigh of relief.
"Good. Do you want that? It's only noonish and on most days that's where we eat," I explained. He stared at me horrified. "What? What's wrong?"
"We eat at McDonald's... on a regular basis?" He whispered. I nodded, a bit confused. "That is disgusting." I felt the wind get knocked out of me. A blow that I thought would only be struck by Cal or Sarai, struck by my own husband to be.
"You've never complained before, we don't have to eat there," I said. He shook his head.
"No, no, if that's where you want to eat."
"I didn't necessarily say I wanted to-"
"I see what you're planning, Hansel." I broke out in a cold sweat.
"What do you mean?"
"You want to feed me garbage so that I'm too weak to defend myself, then you get to keep me all to yourself!"
"I- what?"
"I can't blame you, look at me!" He dramatically draped a hand over his forehead. "I'm hot as shit." I stared at him as he held the pose. Then I bust out laughing. That was the most Miles thing he had done since he had woken up. Being over the top and ridiculous to either cheer me up or get his way. He always blamed it on being a theatre kid.
"You're so weird, oh my god. Fine, we can get  Greek food instead. Happy, drama queen?" I snorted. He stood and put his hands on his hips triumphantly. I walked him over to the coat closet and grabbed his brown coat and handed it to him before putting my own on.
As we headed to the car, I had to help him go down the stairs. His balance wasn't too great. And he just needed a little extra help doing stuff like that. Which wasn't much of a problem for me because I got to hold his hand. We got in my car which was definitely not as nice as Ellie's, who had driven us home from the hospital. I felt slightly embarrassed about it. We drove in awkward silence for less than a minute before I plugged my phone in to turn something on. I hated silence.
"What music do you want to listen to?" I asked.
"Whatever you normally listen to, I guess," he said.
"Oh," I felt my cheeks heat up a little. He raised an eyebrow.
"What?"
"Well, it's a bit embarrassing," I admitted.
"Oh? Do you listen to baby music?"
"No."
"Country music?" He jabbed again.
"Haha, No."
"Then what are you listening to that could be so embarrassing," he asked. I frowned as I began to play the playlist. I caught glances at Miles as I drove. He seemed to enjoy it and that filled me with relief and a little bit of pride. When we got to the restaurant and parked the car he gave me a curious look.
"That was super anticlimactic. You made it seem like you listened to porn while you drove, that was just normal pop music. Why would you be so embarrassed over that?" He asked.
"So you liked it?" I responded to his question with another question. He nodded.
"Yeah, they were catchy," He said. I grinned at the answer.
"Cool," I sighed, watching my breath cloud blow past me as we walked up to the door of the Greek restaurant.
It was a small mom and pop place that we would go to sometimes. Miles liked Greek food. I think he told me that his birth mother was Greek once a long time ago. The man at the cash register waved and smiled at me.
"Handel! Nice to see you again," he chirped. I laughed cynically under my breath.
"Hansel," I grumbled as I walked up to the counter. "Hey, Otis." Miles chuckled. The man's eyes lit up when noticed Miles.
"Ah! Miles is back! Good to see you up and well again," he smiled. Miles gave him a wary grin and stepped an inch away from me.
"Well, kinda? Retrograde amnesia," he said tapping his noggin. I sighed at Otis's confused expression.
"We'll just get the usual," I told him digging into my wallet. He nodded and rung me up. Miles and I sat in a booth. We sat in awkward silence while we waited. Muffled music was the only thing that could be heard. He gave me an almost uncomfortable smile. I did everything to avoid his eyes.
Finally our food was ready and we were able to go back home. While on the drive I played more of my music. Miles seemed to like it. But he still couldn't tell it was his songs he was enjoying.