HHHHH

Just angst

"No, Ma'am, it says you have been covered," It took everything I had to keep my cool. "I'm reading your transaction right here. If you have any further issues you'll have to take it up with management. Would you like me to transfer the call?"
"And be put on hold for another two hours? Highly unlikely," the elderly lady scoffed. I felt my eye twitch.
"Oh-Kay, well there is nothing more I can do to help you, so if you have no further questions, comments or concerns," I tried to end the conversation there but this lady kept going.
"Yes I have a few comments and concerns!" Her shrill voice pierced through my earphone. When Alexander said it was going to be a work at home kind of thing, this was not how I imagined it.
"Please, ma'am there is nothing I can do to help you further, if you'd let me transfer you to my higher ups, they would definitely be able to assist you. Please help me to help you," I tried again. She was silent for a moment.
"Fine," she caved. I took in a deep breath of air.
"Thank you, please hold," I pressed a button on my phone and groaned. I hated my job. I hated it. I felt hands wrap around me. I don't necessarily hate this part of it.
"Hansel, I'm hungry," his voice sounded groggy. He let out a yawn.
"Good morning, Millie," I mumbled. "I didn't wake you did I?" He shook his head.
"No, you're quite alright," he buried his face into my neck as if it were a pillow. I sighed softly at the thought of another day.
"Millie, why don't you wait for breakfast on the couch?" I suggested. "I'll fix you something in a moment." He nodded and stumbled his way out of my little office to the living room. I watched him leave. It has been officially two days since he'd come back home and he was starting to act like his old self. Well, sort of. Of course some things he was still struggling with but for the most part he still knew how to do what he liked to do. We found out yesterday he could still play the piano, the flute, and the recorder. Miles is the only person in the world who can make a recorder sound beautiful. And not ironically beautiful, like 'holy shit this is actually a really nice wind instrument, how the fuck did you play that' beautiful. We couldn't test out anymore instruments because I had to put them in storage for space.
Today I had planned to go through old photos. Ellie and even Savas had lent me some photo albums to borrow. I had a few things to go through as well. I got up with a groan and walked into the kitchen.
"What do you want, Millie?" I turned to see he had fallen asleep on the couch. I chuckled and started some breakfast tea. I began humming a song as I grabbed some eggs and toast. I knew Miles liked his eggs sunny side up but I honestly didn't know how to do that. So he was getting scrambled. I looked in the freezer to see we had a few sausages. The smell of the meat sizzling filled the kitchen. Once breakfast was put on a plate and set on a table, I made my way over to Miles, who was sleeping soundly on the couch. I watched him as he lay peacefully. I didn't want to disturb him because he looked so comfortable, but I also didn't want the breakfast to get cold. I sighed. I wondered when he would finally remember me? Remember us? Would he ever? I miss not being able to make inside jokes. Or jokes in general. It was like he had completely forgotten his sense of humour.
I smiled down at him. I placed a kiss on his forehead, careful not to wake him up. I gently lay a hand on his shoulder.
"Hey, Miles, breakfast is ready," I told him. He grumbled a turned away from me. My smile widened. "C'mon, a nice breakfast is just the way to start a nice day. I want to go through some photos today with you." I brushed my hand through his short wavy hair. He slowly sat up and leaned onto me.
"Watsfer breakfas?" He muttered, his eyes still closed. I chuckled.
"Eggs and sausage, it's all we have at the moment," I admitted. He wrapped his arms around me.
"Carry me," he insisted.
"You have legs, you walk," I tried to pull off his arms.
"Too tired," he whispered. "Hansel." His voice had gone from mopey tired to seductive in only a few seconds. I stiffened. It wasn't something I was used to. He used to make jokes, sure, but he wouldn't do this. Now he has a certain look in his eyes and his hands would begin touching my arms or chest in a way I couldn't really understand. I had come to the conclusion that maybe this was something he used to do with other lovers. Like a bad habit that he had broken before becoming mine. I sighed and pulled away.
"Just come eat before it gets cold,"  I said before walking away. I could tell that was frustrating to him and that upset me. I wished there was more I could do for him to help bring him back. He stomped his way over to the table and began eating. I sat down next to him and also started to eat. We ate in silence. When he finished he took a sip out of his cup of tea then turned to me.
"Hansel, we're engaged, right?" He asked. I nodded.
"Then why do I make you uncomfortable?" I was taken aback by his question.
"I-you don-I," I stuttered. Miles glanced off to the side.
"Every time I try to make a move you, I don't know," he sighed. "You seem scared?" I frowned.
"It just," I started. "It doesn't seem right. I mean, you don't even know who I am. Even though we are engaged. It would feel like taking advantage of you and I would never do that to you." He pursed his lips and nodded.
"I respect that. Thank you," He said. He faced me and gently grabbed my hands. "You know, even though I can't remember your face or the things we've done, I remember your hands." I felt my breath catch in my throat. "Artist's hands. When I touch them I..." he stopped and squinted. "The memories... they're like a word you can't quite place. It's right there, on the tip of my tongue. But..." he let out another sigh and pressed my hand on his cheek. "It's just all static." I slowly stood and helped him on his feet and pulled him to the couch.
"I'll be right back," I gave him a kiss on the hand and turned to grab the photo albums. I plopped them down on the coffee table and sat next to Miles. He perked up at the sight of the pictures. I separated them so that they were a bit more organised.
"Alrighty," I huffed. "Which one do you want to go through first?" He pondered a few moments, moving his nimble fingers across the covers, humming in curiosity. Eventually his hand stopped and rested on a light blue pleather photo album.
"This one," he said. I pulled the book on my lap. It was one of mine. Our Disney photos. We had so many that he had gotten this book to keep them all together. I chuckled. He looked up at me. "What is it?"
"This is our Disney album," I smiled fondly. "We go so often." I opened the first page. It was a selfie of us outside the gate. Miles was in a pair of sunglasses, smiling widely with arm around my shoulders. He was wearing his white Mickey Mouse shirt. I was wearing just a plain white Disneyland shirt and a jacket wrapped around my hips. I remember him and I arguing about whether we would need it or not before leaving the hotel. I was also wearing a baseball hat and had a hand wrapped around his waist. We looked so happy. I remembered that day. It was such a fun day. I remembered the fireworks and our magical kiss. I felt warm tears drip down my face.
"Hansel? Are you alright, love?" He rest his hand on my arm. I nodded.
"Yeah it was just," I sniffed and rest my fingers on the photo. "A really good day." I looked at him with a smile which he returned.
"Tell me about it," he snuggled into my arm.
"Well, you woke me up that morning at like, five 'o clock and I remember thinking, oh god. I'm dating an crazy person," I gently bumped him and he chuckled. "You made me wear that silly hat and rambled on about how I burn easily then argued with me about how we didn't need to bring a sweater because it was going to be a hot day."
"You remember all of this?" He asked wistfully. I rest my head on his.
"Yeah," I breathed. "You were so impatient in the line for tickets. You complained on and on. But you never complained while waiting in ride lines. Here are some more pictures from that day." I pointed to the other pictures on the page. "Here you are in front of the Pirates of the Caribbean, you begged me for hours to try the mint julep because we'd never had it before. You ended up hating it and I had to drink it. Oh, here we are about to meet Peter! You always got so jealous. And this one..." I lingered on the photo. It was of Miles sitting on the iron fence in line for the tower of terror. He was looking at the building with a sweet smile. The light of the setting sun had hit him so perfectly. I remember that this was the moment I decided I had wanted to spend the rest of my life with him. "This is my favourite picture of you. We were in line for my favourite ride. I actually might have made a painting based off of it." He sat up straight.
"No way!" He gasped.
"Maybe," I blushed.
"You have to show me!" He shook my arm and my face got even redder.
"Ah, oh no, it's not- I mean- you wouldn't-" I started sputtering and he put a finger on my lips and and sat up on his knees.
"Sh! I wanna see it! Please, Hansel, oh please," Miles begged. I looked down at the picture. "It's in storage, I don't have it I'm sorry," I told him. He sighed.
"It's okay, we'll just have to find it later," he said.
After that we went through the rest of the Disney photos. He never made comments about remembering but would ask questions about everything. The rides, the stories. He wanted to remember. I could see him trying and struggling with each photo.
Then we moved onto a yellow photo album that Ellie had given me. It had a lot of him and his older siblings, the twins. I wasn't in any of them. When Miles turned twelve his father had sent him and the twins to live in America to stay with their aunt, Ellie. According to Olive (the girl twin) Miles had been hanging out with a bad crowd and causing trouble, and instead of confronting him like a father should, Alexander just sent all of them away. Declan (the boy twin) said that he and Olive were excited to move here because of the school they would be attending so they didn't mind too much. Miles, however was pissed. You could tell in the first couple of photos where he covered his face or scowled. He had longer hair then. Down to his shoulders. He also wore a lot of black punk clothing.
I stopped at a photo of him on a stage singing into a microphone. He held onto the stand passionately as he sang and had a guitar strapped to his chest. He was maybe sixteen.
"You were in a rock band," I explained.
"Really?" He snickered. "I mean it's not surprising."
"Do you remember that?" I asked. He shook his head.
"I remember vaguely bein' on stages but not what or where I was performing," he said softly. I sighed.
"Makes sense," I said turning the page, showing him on a stage again for a play of some sort. "You've done a lot of performing. Musical theatre, orchestra, and the band. You're like a musical prodigy. A quadruple threat, you used to say. You can sing, dance, act, and play more instruments then you could count on your  fingers. I didn't even know there were that many instruments when you told me that." He hummed, a unreadable smile on his face. He didn't say anything else but lingered on the page for a moment. When he did turn it, the rest were normal family photos.
It was Album after album. It was a day full of laughter and tears. I was the one who mostly cried. But I did notice Miles shed a single tear when he saw the picture of his mother. His mother was always a sore spot, he had never met her. Savas wasn't Miles' birth mother. His father had cheated with an assistant and through the affair the twins and Miles happened. Apparently she had died giving birth to him. It's a big reason why he, his siblings, and his father don't get along very well. The whole ordeal was a very touchy subject within the family. He never told me much about it but, that was what I gathered.
"So, remember anything?" I questioned.
"Not really," he sighed.
"Not really?" I pressed.
"Well it's a vague memory, like a dream you're startin' to forget?" He looked as though he was straining to remember.
"What do you remember from it?"
"It was... a birthday? I think it was for me. You were there and I remember... being shocked? No, no... surprised?" He tried. I grinned.
"That was your twenty sixth birthday party, we had chocolate-"
"Twenty six? Wait how long have I known you, exactly?" He chuckled.
"Four years," I told him. He put his head in his hand.
"How old are you, Hansel?" He asked.
"Uh, twenty one," I said mimicking his actions with a smile.
"Oh my god, that's," he stopped. "You're twenty one? And you're engaged to me? I'm twenty eight? How old were you when we met." I hesitated.
"Uh, eighteen?" I chuckled nervously lifting my head. I saw Miles hand on the table shaking.
"So that was... one, two... you started dating me when I was twenty five?" He whispered. "But you're so young, Hansel. Why?"
"Why what?" I was very confused.
"Why are you wasting your youth on me? You're twenty one. You should be carefree and starry eyed. Not sitting here helping an almost thirty year old man with memory problems," he brought his knees up to his chest and buried his head in his folded arms.
"Miles this was my choice, I want to be with you," I scooted closer to him. "I love you."
"For how much longer? No offence, but Hansel your brain hasn't even fully developed yet. You don't know what you want, you're still a kid." He looked up at me with teary eyes. "You're too young to get married, Hansel. I... this is only going to hold you back. And I don't think this is a new thought, I think this is something I've been worrying about for a long time. You shouldn't be wasting your time on some amnesiac drunk!"
"I'm not wasting my time- wait," I stopped. "What did you say?"
"About what?" He sniffed, wiping his eyes.
"You said 'drunk'? Why would you say that?" My voice was lower than a whisper. His eyes widened in surprise.
"I-I don't know," he said. "I... am I an alcoholic, Hansel? I am aren't I? Jesus fucking Christ that explains a lot. I..." he trailed off and burst into tears. I was shocked. I didn't know what to do, he hadn't done this before. Ever. I looked around for something, anything to help. My heart pounding, I grabbed the blanket I had been using for my nights on the couch and wrapped it around him. He flinched and looked at me in surprise. I got up and started his favourite tea. Once that was made, I walked back over, set it down on the coffee table, and gave him a hug.
"It's alright," I hushed him. He snivelled and hugged me back.
"It's not alright, Hansel," he weeped. "You shouldn't have to deal with any of this. I'm so sorry." I didn't know what to say so I just kept trying to assure him that everything was going to be okay."Hansel, you're just a kid, you have so much to live for." Those words sounded so familiar I almost laughed out loud.
"Miles, do you wanna know how we met?" I asked softly. He stayed silent but looked at me curiously. "Well, once I got out of high school, I went straight to a traditional Art college in California. Right across from the Art college was it's sister school for music and performing arts. Ah, anyway... really close to the dorms of the schools was a coffee shop, and every morning I would get a coffee, drink it, then head off to class. I usually didn't go on weekends because I liked sleeping in late, but one Saturday I had decided to go there, maybe it was just fate, because when I got there I saw the most gorgeous guy in the world sitting at a table with  headphones on and a laptop open. I was kind of creepy and was constantly staring at you. I don't know what I was waiting for, maybe some excuse to talk to you? Both of our names were called for our drinks and as we reached our fingers touched and I know it sounds cheesy but, sparks flew. And I think you felt it too because you looked up at me with those big beautiful eyes and we just stared at each other for what seemed like forever." I cupped his cheeks and pulled him in closer. "Then you smiled and told me your name and I was frozen. We became really close and after a few weeks I confessed that I had the biggest crush on you and you said that you felt the same way but you also said the same thing you just said." I took a deep breathe. "But I told you that I couldn't imagine a world where we weren't together. And then we kissed." He looked away with uncertainty.
"Hansel, marriage is a big commitment. You could change your mind. I don't want you to regret things, divorce attorneys are expensive," he joked dryly.
"Miles I would-" I stopped when I saw the glimmer of the gold ring on my finger. I pulled my hands away from his face and studied it. Then glanced behind me at the wooden cabinet. The night that caused this mess I had given up on him. Sure I came back but I had been ready to leave him. What if he was right? I held his left hand. It was bare, I had his ring in a drawer in the bathroom. I sighed and rest my forehead against his. "I would never leave you, Miles. Not after everything we've been through." His eyes were still full of uncertainty, like he had more to say but said nothing. I smiled and gave him a small kiss on the nose.
"How about we watch a movie, any movie you want. That always makes you feel better. I'll make some popcorn too." He forced a smile at this and gave a small nod.
I gave him a few movies to choose from and he chose one without hesitation. I put it in the DVD player and started the popcorn. It was Another movie we had seen hundreds of times: Cinderella. We were cuddled up in our usual position, with his arms around me and my head against his chest, and that made me feel confident. Subconsciously he still remembered this. As much as I missed the old Miles I realised something. Maybe this wasn't all bad? Since he can't remember the drinking too clearly maybe I could keep it away from him for good. Maybe this could help him. It was a long shot but it could be possible.  Maybe with helping him regain his memories I could convince him to get the help he needs for it. I had nearly fallen asleep by the end when I felt Miles tug on My shirt.
"Hansel?" he whispered. I grunted in response.  "Hansel I know you want to give me space and stuff, and I respect and appreciate that, but... could you sleep in the bed with me tonight?" I looked at him.
"You sure?" I asked. He blushed and nodded. I chuckled and rest my forehead on his. "Alright then." Things would get better. I had hope.