after alice; book three {5sos}

eight

"do you have any relatives?" i'm asked. i swallow hard, feeling queasy and as though i could throw up again.

it's been a day since i threw up again, yet i still feel sick to my stomach.

it's always been just me and my mum. i'm sure my cousins and my aunty and uncle tried to reach out to us after everything that has happened but my mum has always been one to refuse any communication. i haven't seen my dad, ever. i refuse to talk about him and his shitty ways.

but now i'm lost and abandoned and the support and comfort from anybody will do. it feels like everywhere i turn there is darkness lurking in corners and waiting to pounce. i keep thinking to myself that bryana can help me when i get home, and then i realise she is gone. i keep mindlessly smiling to myself in a dazed state, a jolt of subtle excitement at the idea of luke being back in my hometown when i return. and then i realise and the loneliness eats me alive and makes me feel even worse the longer that i'm alone.

"i guess i could call my aunty and uncle. i have cousins too, but-"

"that will do just fine. if you write down their names for us then we can contact them for you."

i nod and force a small thankful smile. but i haven't spoken to them in years. the last time we had any communication was when i was about five, the night that my aunty lunged for my mum over a disagreement. some shitty insults were exchanged about me and my dad and we haven't heard from them since.

how am i supposed to walk into their lives as though nothing ever happened? my aunty had realised her wrong doings and tried to contact my mum for years with no luck. she did as anybody would do: give up. i don't think she despises me; a few drunken slurs may possibly be sober thoughts but i forgive her and i have never done anything to her.

she still cares - she must do. afterall, it was always my mum who ignored her, not the other way around.

i scribble my aunty's name down on the piece of paper, vaguely remembering my cousin's names too. i'm sure i've got one of their names wrong but it will do.

i rest the pen on the table and glance down at the black bin bag resting against my feet.

"now we need to take that," the woman gestures to the bag at my feet. i glance back down at it again. "hand it over please, sophia."

"no," i choke out, silently shaking my head. all i can do is helplessly stare back at her, begging her not to take it. i manage to say, "it's only clothes."

"we need to take them for evidence," she reaches down to grab and everything around me halts for a monent, the room seeming to freeze in the present, my palm hot as i stare down at it. my eyes slowly travel to the investigaters face, her cheek reddening as hot finger marks begin to imprint on her cheek.

"i'm so sorry," i cry out, throwing myself to my feet. i'm in a state of shock, my palm burning and the tears already falling in fear. "take it! just take it, okay? i'm so sorry."

all i can do is cry, my eyes darting to the door and then back to the woman who stands in a dazed, paralysed state. her fingertips trace her cheek and she juts out her jaw before softly shaking her head and lifting her hands up. "i'm sorry for taking it without your permission."

i want to dart for the door and to leave, but where do i go? i have no where. i never thought i would be in a situation where i have no one and no place, yet here i am.

"no, i'm sorry. please just take it," i silently cry, my mouth still open in shock. "please."

"we will place you under supervision in a hostel for the meantime," she tells me as though reading my thoughts. "it will be good for you. we will contact your relatives and then give you the choice with the direction you want your life to go." she pauses for a moment, her eyes softening as she stares at me. "the healing process is the trickiest part, but you will get better, i promise. you have had a tough time and i know you have. i don't know it as much as you kmow yourself but i promise you i won't let on to the authorities that you just... slapped me a moment ago. i can ice it and let it disappear."

"i'm sorry," i repeat again. "i just-"

"it's okay. we all do unthinkable things when we are desperate in the spur of the moment."

i give her the tiniest smile and she approaches me slightly with caution as though stepping too close will cause the grenade to be pulled.

"i will call the local hostel. i will call your relatives. we can arrange a new housing situation or a new education, anything you like. your mother's house is still yours and we reccommend you sell it."

"okay." i nod without saying anything else. i don't want to make these decisions for myself and i'm inwardly hoping that she will decide where i go with my life.

"i'll take you to my office and you can chill in there for a bit and i'll let the police know where you are." she walks past me and i begin to follow. "oh, and thank you for answering our questions earlier. it just helps with solving the situation."

solving?

he murdered my friends. i murdered him. there isn't anything to solve.

why are they being to kind to me? where is my punishment for killing him?

and then i realise that she is saying this to make me feel better; i never answered their questions. i sat in silence, knowing there will always be blood on my hands no matter how ferociously i scrub at them. they will find louis' body and throw me into a cell, won't they? they will know what i have been through; find the hair on the pillows; the toothbrush in the bathroom; the belongings that i left behind. they will find it all. will they feel sympathy for me? will they still blame me?

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

this is a boring chapter, sorry! i'll update more of this though. i haven't updated in SO long and i'm really sorry about that. i've been busy with exams and other things, but i hope everything can go back to normal. i want to finish off this book and then more books will be published that i hope you like. :) thank you for those still reading!!!