after alice; book three {5sos}

sixteen

i pour myself a dark coffee, the gloom of outside pouring through the slightly open blinds. i'm waiting for joe and penny to arrive, thankful they haven't left town yet to proceed with their travelling.

on the way back in the car with louisa last week, the aftermath of the shock and fear was stifling. the anguished tears i felt bubbling beneath the surface were threatening to spill the entire journey back to my apartment. louisa kept apologising, telling me she shouldn't have taken me there. but i wanted to be there, i had to remind her.

there's the familiar single knock at the door and i let joe and penny in, receiving warm hugs from them both. we sit together, chatting away as though they have been my friends for years and as though none of this nightmare ever happened.

as i sit with them, the pallid sun fighting through the gloom of outside, i realise that i really do need to move on with my life. i'm ready to fast forward my life like a tape and have my baby, my fresh start, my new opportunity. however, i can't rid of this foreboding feeling that is weighing down my heart. with a heavy heart, i have no choice but to carry on with my life, taking the only option that i have which is to stay hopeful.

"i think i see a little bump," penny lets out an excited squeak, her warm smile overwhelming her face. "is it twelve weeks now?"

"that's just my food baby," i laugh. "but yeah, i'm twelve weeks. i've still got ages to go."

"it will fly by," she tells me. "are you wanting a baby shower?"

i stare at the white wall, a blank expression on my face as i rethink that question in my head, over and over again. will i be having a baby shower? yes, if i knew the baby was luke's. but no, if i knew the baby was louis'.

almost as if she can read my troubled expression, penny interrupts my train of thought that is beginning to steer off the tracks.

"if the baby is louis', please remember that the baby is also yours. the baby would be a piece of you. they still deserve your love, you know?"

i smile at her, trying to be polite and understanding. i understand her desire to be kind and thoughtful. i understand she wants to give me options and be supportive. i understand she wants to guide me. but if the baby is louis', i don't know how i will ever love him or her. i will look into their eyes and see flecks of the colour in louis'. i would see the shape of louis' nose and the chestnut of his hair.

i would always be reminded of the elements of the night that are interweaving with each other and becoming one deadly nightmare.

"i know." i manage to say, my voice cracking. penny doesn't say anything for a moment and she knows she has disturbed the temporarily sleeping thoughts in my mind.

penny and joe soon leave, allowing me to be alone. the silence is deafening and as soon as they have left i feel the loneliness crawling upon my skin.

i'm left alone to think about laura and that glistening kitchen knife under that threatening sky. i'm left alone to imagine the possible outcomes of that afternoon and the possible aftermath. maybe she would have done me a favour.

the apartment phone rings, startling me. i answer, my finger immedietly wrapping around the vintage twisted cord of the telephone. i've always wanted one of these old school telephones and now i have one.

"hello?" i repeat for the second time. the static is unnerving. "hello? can i help you?" my voice wavers and i sigh, realising it must be a call centre that are struggling to connect. i put the telephone back into the reciever and as i turn my back, it almost immedietly rings again.

the hairs on my arm prick, and i know they wouldn't have done that if i didn't have anything to worry about. i stare at the telephone, the shrill ring of it coursing through my my body. it echoes in my ears. it bounces off the thin walls.

it rings and rings, leaving me paralysed.

i reach forward, lifting it off the reciever. gently and slowly i lift to my ear, mustering the courage to speak. i expect a voice from a call centre to begin offering me a product or a service, but nothing comes. there are no words that pour through the speaker. there is nothing but the same murmuring static that makes my eyes dart for the window.

"hello? who is this?" i raise my voice. it catches and i try to hide my worry. "who is this?" i impatiently repeat, clutching the telephone.

there's nobody stood outside. there's nobody in any of the cars in the car park.

it's almost as if the world has come to a standstill, the second hand on the clock in the living scraping to a halt.

"please, tell me who this is." i despairingly find myself saying, close to tears.

then there's a low, satisfied murmur of laughter. it's almost like a childish snicker, laced with the unnerving characteristic of an older man. i'm being pranked, i tell myself. it's only a prank.

"if this is a prank," my voice quivers. "then don't ring again. i will block your number."

but of course, how do i do that? not on my old telephone.

the laughter pours through the speaker again, crawling through my ear and making home on my mind. a shiver washes over my body like waves crashing into jagged rocks.

i hang up, unable to hear that laughter again. unable to admit that i'm hearing it. the phone is slammed into the receiver and i, without a care for the telephone, furiously pull out the cord from the main wall. it disconnects, the twisted wire swaying in the air as it hangs from the telephone.

standing for a few moments, i try to encourage my breathing to return back to normal. i try to pretend that that didn't happen. i'm about to ring louisa on my mobile when i realise
i will sound mad, like i have finally hit the bottom. she won't believe me. she will say i'm worried and overthinking. i will be labelled paranoid.

"you need to let it all go," i would be told. "you have nothing to fear. you killed your fears. they are both gone."

and even though i killed my own fears and i watched them die, it still doesn't stop the memories of them, so alive and vivid from replaying in my mind over and over again.

i can't rid the low, menacing laughter from my mind. menacing in the most human, vivid way. it sounded like they were alive. it sounded as though they breathing and living.

it sounded like louis.