after alice; book three {5sos}

fifteen

the house is outdated, with thin and worn green carpeting and peeling cream wallpaper. i feel out of place in this house, and as imagine myself wading through the smoke, the butterflies in my stomach are chaotic. laura has her back to us briefly before she takes a seat, and louisa takes the opportunity to catch a glimpse of me, my eyes meeting hers. she gives me a pep nod and i feel the weight lift off my shouldets.

"so," laura says with a tremble in her voice. "why are you really here?"

she looks straight through me, my skin feeling hot. i feel overall uncomfortable in this house. the sofa is filthy, dark patches on it where cigarettes have been stubbed out and places where there have been spillages, most likely of alcohol.

all i can think as she stares at me that she must know me if she watches the television so often. i've had my fair share of news coverage.

"well i was in the fairground," i quietly say. "and your sons... they came back for me," i choose my wording carefully and i know louisa is holding her breath beside me. "you see, i came here for closure. i wanted to understand why they-"

"you think i know that?" she looks across at me blankly. "i didn't know my sons, i never did. at the age they went missing i thought i knew them, yet i didn't. what are you wanting me to do?"

and the truth is, i didn't know. louisa shifts uncomfortably on the sofa next to me.

"i just want closure, that's all i want."

"how am i supposed to give that to you? i'm not responsible for their actions," she says defensively. "they ran away from home. they didn't love me anymore. for over a decade i've cried myself to sleep every night, wondering where they are and what they were doing. i never had the closure myself," she pauses. "so why the hell do you think you will get that closure?"

i'm speechless, the thick air and the silence smothering.

"if only i had been told their bodies had been found in a ditch somewhere in the woods i would have had that closure, but i never did. if i had been told they had died at the age they went missing, i would have had that closure. but it's like they dropped off the face of the earth, and i have no idea how they did it."

silence falls upon us again, this time louisa being the one to break it.

"what do you think of what they did?" she gently asks laura.

"they both deserve to go to hell," she honestly admits, taking me by surprise. "i don't know where i ever went wrong with them." her eyes light up slightly and she jolts to her feet. "wait here a moment."

she disappears for a few moments, leaving louisa and i staring at each other with troubled faces, listening carefully to the footsteps above us. she soon returns, clasping a cassette tape in her hands.

"it's this, you see." she sits back down, the tape in her lap. "they would watch this over and over again. i watched the news and their reports and how they were rabbits," she tells us. "and all i can think is that this made them do it. they were brainwashed."

"brainwashed by what?" i ask her, peering at the tape to get a closer look. it's an alice in wonderland cassette tape. an innocent movie made for innocent children. "that's only a movie," i tell her. "why would that make them do what they did?" i want to yell that they tortured us, that they tore my life to pieces, and that a movie has nothing to do with this, but i can't bring myself to even raise my voice. but then i remember their little sayings of "i'm late, i'm late" and the tea party, and i realise she's right. the pink and blue china, the tiny bottles of liquid, the cakes, the rabbit ears, all flash before my eyes in a brief moment, and i can almost smell the lingering of the dirt, the smoke, the blood.