Ms. Popular

VIII.

-Parties and prom-

The party that everyone had been waiting for, is finally here. And I must say, it left my heart broken, and somehow, healed.

I've never had the opportunity to love someone so deeply. And hence, my urge to share my fears, insecurities and my condition to someone who was not me was way out of my thought. But tonight, I had a strong urge to do it. Something told me that Ken wasn't worth it but maybe it's time I invested myself in someone other than me. And I, was ready to take that chance. Like I did yesterday evening when Akash shifted in our house.

Remembering that night when he left us was too painful but I was okay with it. I had to be okay with it, for I needed to move on, for myself and everyone else around me. I had to appreciate what I have for someday, it won't be there and that would kill me. At least with gratitude and acceptance, I wouldn't live in constant misery and regret. So I walked ahead and tapped on his shoulders.

"Heyy you." He looked at me happily. Was he drunk or high? I wasn't sure because that's how he always greeted me, but the slur in his words and walk let out an another story.
"Hey. Mind if I join you?" I took a glass of juice from the nearest table and stood besides him. He nodded his head and grinned like a child as he pulled me down towards himself. I sat cross legged comfortably and took a sip out of my glass. Yep. This drink was spiked.

"Tell me again, why are you drunk?" I asked him, not at all expecting a coherent reply.
He smiled towards me and then towards the starry night "It's numbing."
Everything seemed to have silenced as soon as these words left his mouth. I let his words sink in and spoke "Numbing pain. Numbing consciousness. Similar things."
"Nah." He slurred a bit but continued "Not similar. Pain is a subset of consciousness. And consciousness is something that gets you to keep functioning. And I, I don't feel like functioning anymore. Just wanted to feel how you feel among us everyday." He looked at me in all seriousness and chucked some of the drink down his throat. "Must say, really soothing, yet disturbing enough to feel as if I'm drowning as everybody else survives."

I looked at him in surprise. Sure he didn't mean when he said that he wanted to feel like me, now did he? I mean, look at him, he's all drunk. Most probably out of his senses. Yet here he was, noticing me and talking about how I exactly felt everyday.

"Why you want to feel like me? It's a bad place to think and feel like that where nothing's in your goddamn control and you're right, drowning as  everybody else survives."

"I read up your reports from 2008 accidentally that day." He said and that, stopped the beating of my heart, all at once. I looked at him, completely embarrassed as he continued "As much as I wanted to pity you for your mental condition, I forced myself to not do that. It takes a lot in me to even ask you a simple question about your mental health like "how are you doing today?" Because I know that you aren't doing fine. That's why I didn't say anything when we saw your room that day. I wanted to take in your feelings and relate it to whatever the reports had to say about you and all of it just seemed like lies. The reports weren't accurate in my view, but I let that pass. They just sugar coated what was really happening because probably they saw that the truth would not only kill you, but everyone around you, like a bomb. Boom! One moment you're there and the next you're gone. All of us, with you. I know it's hard but I'm learning everything in my power to be able to help you protect yourself Aanya. And the more I learn about your condition, the more I take interest in who you really are. And none of this matters. Just know that." He fell into a deep silence as he looked at me, providing me the temporary warmth that my fingers had done that day. I let his words sink in and realised that I knew all of this, but yet, it seemed alien and different when it came out as his words.
I sighed and stared intently in his moist green eyes to reply. "I know that none of this matters. Those sugar coated fake words and numbers don't define me. They never have. I know I face something grave than that. We all do. I just have come in terms with it more than the rest of you have."

As I said this, he leaned forward and softly placed his forehead on mine. He held the nape of my neck and whispered, alcohol reeking out of his breath which didn't seemed to have fazed me as yet 
"Would it be against your morals if I said that I have wanted to kiss you and cherish you ever since I took you to nurse B's office that day and told you about my past because I knew that trusting you would be the best thing that would happen to me?" He looked at me intently as I let out a small laugh.

"This is probably the world's biggest question ever which is stated without pause or punctuation, for that matter."

He rolled his eyes at me and said "Quit teasing me Aanya Patel. That was my way of saying that "I love you and maybe that's why I should kiss you right now...."

He couldn't speak anymore for I kissed him. He smelled of peaches even over his alcohol and I wasn't disgusted by all of it at all. In fact, my first kiss was pretty impressive. This had to be like this after all, me knowing that he knew about my issues and yet loving me. Me knowing that even though he talked about asking Barbara out for prom, he was just dying to ask me. Us, together like this, being totally okay with being emotionally naked in front of each other.

What else could you ask for?
What else could a person with so many complicated mental and emotional issues expect out of someone they actually cared about?

This was it.
And this was me,
in my complete identity.