Sadness Inside

Chapter 10

CHAPTER TEN

I rushed to put my suitcase into the cab. I also brought my guitar, because if I were to go somewhere, bringing my guitar would give me a guarantee that I would have company even though I was alone. Fred was pretty surprised when I brought my guitar along but he just smiled. My guitar bag was black and it had badges given by Fred.

My hair was now straight flowing down my back while I sling my handbag back to my shoulders. Dad was waiting by the door and he looked like he was nearly in tears. I walked up to him and hugged him without saying a word for probably a minute, just appreciating the moment of silence when all we think about was each other and the next time we would be meeting each other again . His lips were shaky when he smiled at me. I was quite short so I had to look up to him and when I did, I could see those green eyes meet my green eyes in sincerity and full of reassurance. The sparkle in his eyes made his wrinkles and grey strands of hair unnoticeable. And somehow at that moment, I was happy I had his eyes. It always seemed like light from every direction shone towards his eyes making it seem that the moon was dimmer.

I started to shiver a little and let go of his arms. It was time to go. It was time to make my dreams come true.

"I love you, dad," I said, trying not to cry. I pecked a kiss on his folded cheeks and waved good bye.

"Have fun. I love you too," he smiled weakly at me, and that was the last thing I see before the cab took a turn and I was on the way to the airport.

Fred didn't say a word throughout the whole ride. It was probably a habit--not talking in the car. Fred was never a talker in the car. His eyes were always on the road, or darting at every landmark. When he was not driving, he'd like to enjoy the sceneries around him and nothing could get his gaze back. It was always the fascination look he gave that fascinates me. It was so focused, and concentrated that he couldn't bother with anything else.

I leaned on Fred's shoulders because it was a forty five minute drive to the airport, and I was worn out from all that bowling earlier today. He leaned his head on mine and we were exchanging breaths in this stuffy car. At some point, our breathing were at the same pace and I couldn't mutter a word. It felt like everything was going round in a circle and I was just stuck in this bubble which trapped me from saying anything. Or if I could talk, no one could hear me. We had this silence, not the normal no-talk-in-the-car silent but more of a silent where we both wanted to just let the moment be and not distract ourselves with anything else to help us remember it. Fred placed his hands on mine and my eyes dart open. The nature of me pulled away and it made Fred jerked. He blushed and muttered a soft apology. My heart leaped and skipped a beat while my cheeks burn with anticipation and anxiousness. I didn't mean to pull away but inside me told me I was afraid and I couldn't go any further than our normal friendly gestures. We were no longer leaning onto each other and we looked separate windows. I stole a glance at him and saw him frowning.

I know right...Fred frowning...

I looked down to my hand and the place Fred touched it. That soft skin was rubbed against it for a few mille seconds and I ruined it. It felt so comfortable and it made my tummy filled with butterflies. An adrenaline rush through me along with guilt in my veins. I wanted to say something but I couldn't. I couldn't think of the right words to say and instead I kept it as an awkward silence again.

The more I was with Fred, the more I hurt him.

Oh when was this going to stop?

When you stop meeting him. My head spoke.

BUT HE WON'T LEAVE ME. My heart fought back and they stopped because this seemed a little bit ridiculous.

And since I wasn't leaning on him anymore which slowed down my heart beat, I could finally relax and my shoulders relaxed. I fell into a sleep and dreamt of nothing but darkness.

****

"Flower, we're here," Fred shook me to a wake and I jerked up. The cab stopped in front of the walkway to the insides and I opened the door with the strap of my guitar bag in my hands. Fred helped to take both our luggage bags out and he paid the cab driver. We walked to the baggage check-in counter and drop our luggage.

Now to wait for the boarding.

Fred and I got hungry and so we went to McDonalds and got ourselves two cheeseburgers. My taste buds were already missing the sweet taste of this morning's pancakes but goddamn they had to get use to it; I was going to be fat soon if I was going to eat two big servings every morning. We ate in silence as the awkwardness had not fade away just yet. We hung around in Starbucks after McD because all the kids around us were too noisy and running around with the packet of fries in their hands. Fred bought himself his regular and bought me my favourite--Chocolate Cream Chip. I didn't prefer coffee or anything with caffeine very much, I don't know why. I was probably brought up like that. Non of my family members drank coffee.

"Are you excited?" he finally broke the silence between us.

"Maybe if I was alone, I'd feel less intimidated," I admitted, and for that moment onwards I decided to open up to Fred slowly. He deserved to know.

"You think I'm intimidating?" he laughed, pathetically as if it was a bad joke.

I looked at him in the eyes and told him I wasn't joking.

"Then what can I do to make you feel less intimidated?" he smiled. Finally.

Leave me alone was what I was suppose to say but, "I don't know."

And then it was the silence again. I was now officially afraid. I couldn't bare so much silence between him and I. It was better off being quiet alone then to have someone with you sharing that awkwardness.

"Fred, I..." I felt myself about to stutter, "I'm so-sorry," and I did my best not to cry in front of him again. Especially not today.

"Why, please, Myra.... don't be..." he wrapped his arms around me and I did my best not to break down in public again.

The warmth of Fred was enough to make me feel both calm and anxious at the same time. I felt strong and at the same time all my weaknesses evolve around me. My stomach churned and my heart pounded at every beat making my breath heavy. I didn't know if Fred realised, but every time he was around me, I couldn't let him go, anymore. Every single time I did, my heart ached and pleaded for his touch and warmth and comfort. But everything else told me I couldn't and I fear it. I despise the fact that I wanted him. I fear feeling it. You know, love.

After a few minutes of silence, it was finally the time to board. I went through series of tunnels and steps to the plane and was seated beside Fred. He insisted that I take the seat by the window and him in the middle. The steward and stewardess did their normal routine with the safety procedures, and then it was time for take off.

I look out the window and see as the airplane lifted itself from the ground. I looked around out the window, and thought to myself of all the things I have been through here, before and what I would be going through there, in LA. I took one last glance before the view was blocked by puffs of clouds in the clear blue sky of London.

My dreams are coming true.

But it was hard not to bother the non cheerful Fred self, enjoying this moment with me as he was the planner all along.

And then I realised I still haven't figured out what he was trying to do.

What is his plan?

xxx