bloodline :: philkas

zece

philip

was it really necessary to wake me up during my sleep? like, seriously? it was a good sleep too, so what the heck? my bed felt more warm than usual with lukas cuddling me, and the warmth made me feel so snuggly and sleepy and needy. so lukas cuddling me made me feel like i was on cloud nine. i loved it, but i hated that lukas made me feel soft and snuggly. he made me feel like i wanted to be held (by him). the way he protectively pulled me close to his body did make me melt, and i enjoyed it. even though lukas is "ice cold," his body still radiated with some warmth. and it helped keep me warm, even with the blanket shifted off of our arms. i didn't mind the small breeze, i was just enjoying lukas' presence.

lukas. a lovely guy that tried to kill me.

whenever i thought about lukas, my mind always jumped back to the thought of me being his next victim. it probably did that because it was true, and i know i should try to stay away from lukas as much as i could, but i can't. lukas is like a magnet that manages to somehow pull me in whenever i'm near him. and now, i think i know why i'm always thinking about this topic.

i'm scared.

not of lukas, but of what's going to happen. as of right now, lukas is very affectionate towards me. gentle and caring, everything that came with it. but what if when i wake up, i'm in lukas' basement, tied up and gagged? who knows what lukas is capable of. he can easily kill me if he wants to, but he hasn't yet because i'm apparently "precious to him." i already know he can manipulate my dreams, but what else can he do to me? maybe he can read my mind. i have to be careful about that.

but what if in the future, we end up together? would lukas protect me, hold me in his arms, treat me like i'm the a fragile piece of art, and make me feel loved? when i'm at my worst, would lukas be there to make me feel content and happy with myself? i've read a few romantic novels, and they all describe love as something amazing. i don't remember the title of an excerpt i read from one, but it described the story of two friends, which eventually became lovers. i think the names were evan and matt? i don't know, but it was gay, and it was well written. i squealed at how adorable the author wrote the chemistry between the two. it made me want someone to make me feel loved.

evan was described as an insecure, shy, and evasive boy. he "shirks away from being the center of attention" and "dodges being seen as much as he can without looking strange." evan was insecure about his appearance, due to acne he had on his face. the book said that evan would pick at his skin enough to make it sore and red, and tried to hide the pain of insecurity. he "tried to be lighthearted, tried to make jokes before anyone else could," and "laughed with everyone else," but of course, the pain was too obvious for matt. it genuinely hurt matt to see evan so unsatisfied with how he looked. matt wanted so desperately to protect evan, to make him feel loved, and to make him feel truly happy with himself. when he was presented with the opportunity to make evan happy, matt used it to his advantage. matt kissed evan, held his face, complimented his appearance much more, all in an effort to make evan feel adored and wanted. but of course, evan took everything reluctantly at first, turning away whenever matt stared too long, untangling their fingers when they were with friends, and pulling away when matt tried to touch his face. over time, however, the relationship between the two grew stronger, and matt continued to care for evan as if he was a fragile piece of glass, and worth more than any precious gem in the galaxy. evan "wrinkled his nose" whenever matt called him cheesy, yet adorable pet names. the bond between the two was purely unbreakable.

i strive for a love like that. i wish to be treated as a precious artifact, and i long for someone to wake up next to, who is willing to tell me that i'm beautiful every morning. would lukas be willing to put in the effort if we were to be in a relationship? or would he turn around and kill me in my sleep?