Love Lessons

Chapter Twenty: Express Yourself

Chapter Twenty| Jess

            I was curled into Cole in my bed, my head was resting on his chest and he stroked my hair as he talked about his family. It was a very intimate act in a nonsexual way. I wondered if he could feel how fast, my heart was beating but if he did, he made no comment about it. I played with his other hand, tracing figures on the palm of his hand as he spoke.

            “Was your mom always so bitter?” I asked him, thinking about how Cole had some similarities as his mother but he was completely different at the same time.

            “No, she wasn’t that way when I was younger. I don’t know what happened, my parents used to tolerate each other and now they’re at each other’s throats all the time.” He sighed. I looked up at his face, taking in every detail. I wasn’t sure if he caught on to me staring at him, but he didn’t say anything as I took in three small freckles under his eye and his long, light brown eye lashes.

            “Do you wish they got divorced?” I asked him curiously.

            “It wouldn’t matter if they did; I still wouldn’t see them that much. Then they pull some shit about having a serious relationship, as if I’m the problem.” He scoffed.

            “You went along with it, why?”

            “So they wouldn’t give up on me.” He said seriously. I felt a slight tug at my chest when he admitted that. Was Cole used to everyone giving up on him? There was something about him that made me really fucking hate him but also love him at the same time.

            Love?

            I don’t love Cole. I’m not in love with him, yet. I am worried that I will be though, and this scares me. I feel like we’re drawn together but I know nothing is going to happen. So maybe I’ll just appreciate this feeling until after the holidays when he ends this. My question was: where did that leave Cole and me after this ends?

            “Do you really think that they would?”

            “I think that they already have.” He shrugged.

            “Well, I won’t give up on you.” That earned a smile from him and he looked over at me, searching my eyes for an answer.

            “Why? I’ve been pretty shitty to you.”

            “Yeah, but you’re also putting on a front. You act like an ass so you can push someone away. Otherwise you’re worried that if you let someone in they’re going to leave you or give up so instead you push them away first so you don’t get hurt.” His eyes widened a moment and he gave a small smile.

            “How did you know that?”

            “We’re not different.” I told him seriously. He smiled and kissed the top of my forehead. I wanted to ask him what was going on with us. I wanted to ask if this was just pretend or if we had confessed deep dark secrets that meant we were closer than we thought. I was too scared though, I knew that if Cole was asked something serious he would run away, and I didn’t want him to run away; I wanted him to just stay as he was right now.

            I had fallen asleep that night listening to Cole’s heartbeat. It was scattered from calm and steady to rapidly beating in his chest. I wanted to ask him why that was, but I didn’t really want to know the answer; I just fell asleep thinking that he was nervous because of me.

            I woke up the next morning with Cole holding me closely to him. He was spooning me with his arms holding me tightly and his hot breath fanning my neck. I wiggled trying to get more comfortable and I scooted in closer toward him. I kept moving until I got comfortable and I suddenly heard Cole’s breath hitch and started panting as I kept moving. Why was he- oh fuck. His hard member was standing proud this morning as I moved and I realized that I was probably getting him off.