The Last String

Chapter19

Lilly's P.O.V

If breaking is hard, recovery is worse. Nights like yesterday's don't help. My Friday night had pearl-shaped tears burst forth, spilling down my face. My lips trembled, and I looked through the window as if it would soothe me.

Despite, I arose today neighbouring to a seemingly post perfect day. The sky-scrapers shone silver, and the sky held an unbroken backdrop of blue. Imaginably, it promised of a winter lifting, the end of grey bitter days. Perhaps.

I skid into the parking lot, and rushed to the orphanage that was filled with joy, hoping it would convey to me. Skylar was waiting, dressed up, raring to go, but not supposedly happy. I'm not the same Lilly anymore.

The tiny café huddled despondent among the huge city buildings. Washed out under the overcast sky, it hunched in itself. Hundreds of people rushed outside on the crowded street, but the café was close to empty. The half a dozen customers glanced up as the door swung open.

Unlike the outside, the interior of the café was warm and cheery, with bright lights and colourful walls. The customers returned to their conversations as the door swung closed behind the new entrance and the cold breeze was forgotten.

In the gloom café, our knees we close to touching under the narrow table. We whispered the rest of the night. Not because we feared our voices being heard, but it was simply easier.

I had an extensive conversation planned. An explanation of all the wrong done to me, of my innocence, but instead we chatted of enlivening subjects. It helped.

..

Once again my emotions turn jagged and my insides tight. I silently cry out to those in reach, "I love you, please help me. Come sit with me; hold my hand. Eat chips with me. Call me friend. Look into my eyes, connect, because I'm falling."

I should no longer wait, wide-eyed, heart in my mouth, hoping for kindness. But I can't.

I try denying the fact that I need a hug, even if it is just words, and I fail miserably every time.

I no longer need soothing like a child. I moved on. lies.

No one is there. Though, I'm the one who drives them away. I set up my walls. I'm not letting them in.

"But I need help now, I'm lonely. I feel so abandoned. Just come, just help me. Won't you please, please help me? Say I can come see you; we'll just be together. I need you, need company. It would help so much." And then there are hot tears, ones they will never see, falling fast and thick onto my sweater. I feel the wetness of my skin and each drop as it emerges from open eyes.

"You know, sweet angel, I've always appreciated your spark and zest, you're a go-getter, a survivor. I like that, you're gonna be just fine." Alexander says through the phone.

That's when I know. That's when the penny drops. Though I'm all grown up I'm a kid in time-out again. So I know what to do, this is familiar in a way that is traumatic. I swallow down the pain, eat it up into my belly and wear a passive face, a tentative smile and act meek. Alex can't see it, but the acting out takes me to where I need to be. "Yes. You're right. I'm so sorry, I'll be ok. I have some exciting new projects coming up. Give my love to Nora."

It works. He is satisfied - still thinking I'm errant, not quite right, but at least showing a will to fit the mould.

..

"How are you feeling?" Katelyn whispered high enough for me to hear her.

"I'm so tired and confused. I don't know what to do anymore. I've never felt so alone my entire life. Take it away. I just... I can't. It's TOO much. Make it all stop, please."