Is Phan Real?

Chapter 3

As we pull away slowly we immediately turn away from each other as if nothing happened. It was like she was embarrassed that she had kissed me but I wouldn't blame her. I'm probably the worst kisser; in fact, I don't even remember my first kiss. I turn slightly to get a glimpse of her.

"Are you okay?" I ask in a small voice.
"Yeah, I'm fine. Just a bit sleepy, I guess."
"I noticed. Do you want me to go? We can always hang out another time."
Why did I say that? This is second time I offered to leave. She'll probably think I don't want to be here. I always say things that screw everything up.
"No, don't," she says softly. "I don't want you to leave. Come with me, to my room. We can watch a movie and it would be more comfortable than this couch."
"Sure," I agreed and followed her.
"I'm going to go change," she says as she walks into the bathroom.
I think for a second realizing I've never been in a girl's room before. It's so clean and organized. She has a whole desk thing set up with a mirror and make up stuff all organized on top of it. I'd be so embarrassed if she would see my room. Let's be honest, I only partially clean my room when I have to make a video.
As I finished thinking which room is cleaner I see that she comes out wearing her pajama shorts and a tank top. "Sorry, this is kinda all I have left to wear right now."
"That's fine."
"What are you doing still standing?" she asks as she takes a seat on her perfectly made bed.

"I don't want to mess up your bed," I lied.

"Oh, come on Dan, it's not like I'm contagious," she laughs as she pats the space next to her.

I take a seat on the very edge of the bed facing her mirror.

"What's wrong? It's not like you've never been in a girl's room before."

I look away from the mirror so I don't have to face her. Now that I think about it the only other room I've been in is Phil's.

She looks at me confused, "When was the last time you've been on a date or kissed a girl?"

Her question made me realize that the last time I've ever been on a date was with her; if you count that as a date, thought to myself and stayed quiet. I glance at her reflection for a split second.

"You're kidding, right?" she says playfully, but it just makes me feel even more hesitant to tell her the truth.

"I haven't," I say faintly.

"What do you mean you haven't?"

"You're the first girl I ever kissed." After quitting university I didn't do much socializing. I started making more videos on YouTube and that's all I really cared about. I wanted to do YouTube and Phil is the one that pushed me into making that dream a reality. I didn't have time to go out and date or anything.

"That doesn't mean you have to be afraid of me," she says, looking at me in the mirror. I can't help but look back at her. She looked disappointed, but I can't see why. I literally just told her what a loser I am.

"Why do you look disappointed" I finally asked turning around to face her.

"I'm not," she says, twirling her hair around her index finger. I could tell she was holding something back.

"I know you're hiding something. You used to twirl your hair all the time when you were nervous for a test. I already spilled my biggest secret to you and now it's your turn."

"I just... uhh...I guess feel guilty" she says, but her voice trails off.

I couldn't even bring myself to think what was making her feel guilty. Is she already seeing someone? Did she lie about being upset when I left University?

"I feel like I don't deserve to be with you. I've been with like five guys since you left. I just feel like you've been saving yourself and I'm over here being like a slut. I know it's been five years since we last seen each other and I know I look different, but I'm still the same person. I never thought I would be with anyone besides you."

"Besides me?" I ask adjusting myself so I'm facing her straight in the eyes which seemed to make her even more anxious.

"I like you okay!" she exclaimed not wanting to waste anymore time as she leans closer to me and puts her arms around me. The warmth of her body made me nervous. I can feel her lips slowly approaching mine, but she doesn't kiss me just yet. She stares at me straight in the eyes and whispers, "Dan, I love you". I couldn't bring myself to say I love you so instead I kiss her as long as I could before she breaks away.

"I love you too" I say softly as she smiles at me. We fall asleep cuddling together and that was also the first time I ever told someone I loved them. The problem is I don't even know if I really meant it.