Hindsight

Quail

"It's not your fault, Erin."

For the past sessions, Dr. Emily Thorne have been trying to pedal that massage to her. Trying to convince her that the fallout was definitely not her doing. It was simply faith.
But then again, the therapist couldn't even tell her who's fault it was. No one could. Not Voight. Not the doctors. Not anyone.

According to Dr. Thorne, Erin was on the brink of a psychological breakdown and still is. At anytime she could have an 'episode'. A slightest trigger could take her to the end of her sanity. But what nobody could understand was that guilt was what's consuming her. Guilt was eating her alive. Leaving her both mentally and physically exhausted at the end of each day. Rendering her incompetent.

"Erin, you need to believe that none of this is your fault. No one is blaming you. So you have to stop blaming yourself. And I don't just mean Jay. You have been through a traumatic event and after such an event, it is often that victims will be burdened by guilt. But there is nothing you could have done." Dr. Thorne tried explaining her yet again.

Erin rolled her eyes. Her doctors' words were infuriating. Saying words as if she knew what it was like. Dr. Thorne hadn't got the slightest idea on how it felt to be violated and tortured for days. She wasn't there. She didn't experience it. She didn't know how it felt. She don't even understand that Erin don't just think it's all her fault, she knows. All of her indecisiveness and actions had made things play out the way it did. And she was sick and tired of her trying to convince her otherwise.

"You don't know that."

"Ok then. Explain to me how this is all your fault?" she probed.

"No. You know why! I've already told you about a dozen times!" Erin shouted, standing from her seat immediately in a burst of emotions. Causing the heavy chair to collapse backwards.

She doesn't know what's gotten into her lately, it could be the effects of the anti-anxiety and antidepressants, but she would have these unbearable sporadic mood swings, sudden bursts of highs and lows. One minute she's a perfect princess, the next she's shrek.

"Erin. Calm down. Remember the breathing exercise?" the therapist said calmly. Trying to calm her patient from her outburst.

"...inhale...exhale...."

"Good. Now why don't you sit back down?" she said before scribbling something down on her binder.
"Sorry." Erin said, embarrassed that she was acting like a five year old throwing a tantrum.

"How are you sleeping? You said you've only been getting two to three hours a night."

She nodded. Other than the crazy outbursts, she've been feeling like a zombie lately. Most of the day, she'd be home and alone, busy in her head. And most of those times, there wasn't even anything up there. She'd just be staring into space and emptiness. All she wanted was to sleep for eternity but even sleeping was a chore. She've been so anxious every second of the day and that's all too exhausting for her. Too much adrenaline in her system that's causing her to be restless.

"I..ah..I'd like to stop taking the sleeping pills, Prazosin, you have me on." she replied and Dr. Thorne just nodded, waiting for Erin to continue explaining.
"I don't think it's working. I mean; it is working, I have been sleeping but it's making the nightmares even worse. They've become more vivid. And lately I've been having trouble distinguishing between dreams and reality." she rested her head on her hand, too exhausted to hold her head up.
"Sometimes I can't even tell if I'm awake or not. And when I am pretty sure I'm awake, I...I see him. He'll been standing in front of me, smirking. And when I blink, he's gone."

Even with the anti anxiety medication, she still was so stressed out. If not even more. She've been crazy terrified every second of the day that Carlos will come for her since he's still out there.