Stuck In The Middle

A Secret of the Pain

Jack

My head was back against the wall. The familiar thoughts were floating through my head.

It's all your fault

You mess everything up

I thought that these thoughts left. After so many months of taking anti-depressant pills from when my mom died. I thought I would never have to touch them again.

Yet here I am. Laying against the wall as two snow white pills lay in my hand. A jar halfway full of these pills lay next to me. And in my other hand lay a bottle of water.

My hands slowly went up to my mouth. Then I dumped the two pills in my mouth. Almost immediately my other hand tilted the water and the water flowed into my mouth.

The pills went with the flow of the water and ran down my throat. I closed the water bottle and I looked up at my black ceiling. I decided to go for a ride. I grabbed my leather jacket and I went downstairs.

Ryan was on the phone.

"Ryan I'm going out." I said.

"No you're not." he said and then he walked over to me. He looked into my eyes.

"You took the pills again didn't you?"

Fuck I hate how he always knows everything.

"Why do you care? You always take my girlfriends away from me."

Ryan yelled into the phone before he hung up.

"Who were you talking to anyways?"

Ryan looked at Maria.

"I think he's old enough to know." she said.

"Know what?" I asked.

"Sit down." Ryan said motioning to the couch.

They sat down next to me. Maria to my left and Ryan to my right.

"It all started before you were born, when I was 1 year old, dad would get drunk and go to a stripper club. he did that constantly for about a year. Well, when you were born, dad left us for a slut, about a month after that, dad filed a divorce so that he could marry that same slut..."

His voice cracked. I looked over at Maria and her eyes were red and puffy from crying.

"A year later, dad had another kid, a girl named Brittany, my earliest memory is of mom crying because she found out. Remember when mom died?"

I nodded.

"Brittany and her mom were in the other car. They both survived....barely."

I felt tears begin to form.

"Remember the blonde haired, blue eyes guy at mom's funeral?"

"The one in the first row?" I asked.

"Yeah, that was dad. He came to the funeral to say goodbye to mom. I told him to stay away from us and that it's his slut's fault that mom isn't here....he called today."

"What did he say?"

"He said that he wanted forgiveness and that he wanted to get to know you. I rejected his offer, when he heard your voice he wanted to talk to you but I wouldn't let him. That's why I yelled."

Maria was weeping now. I felt bad for her. She was my mom's best friend,and she witnessed all of this first hand. As soon as I saw her crying I couldn't help it. A river of tears rushed over me. All of my memories with mom came flooding back. That made it worse. I felt a burning in my stomach that soon spread all over my body. Anger.

I was angry and my dad and his so called "family". Thanks to them, we lost my mom, and because of them, we feel pain. I stood up. Ryan moved over to comfort Maria.

"Ryan, can I go visit mom?" he nodded. He handed me a 20 dollar bill.

"Get her something nice." he said. I nodded. I grabbed my keys and I got into my Ferrari.

I drove to the grocery store near by and I bought red roses. Red was always mom's favorite color.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

When I got to the cemetery I parked my car. A black gate surrounded the perimeter of the cemetery. I walked in. I searched through the endless graves until I saw the one I was looking for.

Clair Denise Davidson

1971-2011

A beloved mother, wife and sister. May she rest in heavenly peace

I kneeled down next to the grave. I plucked a Rose from the bouquet and I placed it on one of the flower jars next to the tombstone.

"Hi mom, I miss you." I said. "Ryan and Maria miss you too." I placed another rose in the jar. "I still can't believe you're gone. Everyday I think about you. And everyday I'm reminded that you're not here. That I'll never have anybody to give a Mother's Day card to. That I'll never get to hear your voice again. I-I miss you." I said.

I placed the roses in both of the flower jars. Six on one side and six on another. I wiped away the tears that began to run down my face. I tried to stop but I couldn't tears began to run freely down my face. I sat down and I buried my face in my knees.

I stayed there. Sobbing, remembering the person that brought me into this world.