Letters to Nowhere #1 (Completed!)

Letters to Nowhere: Part 37

My face flared up like an oven. "I'm sorry." I released his hands and shoved them toward his lap. My eyes darted sideways, trying to see if anyone was watching. They were, of course. I stood up keeping my eyes on the hill. "I'm gonna use the bathroom."

            I moved quickly around the bonfire and then around to the side of the house and leaned against the wall, catching my breath. Oh my God. I just put a boy's hands under my shirt. A little higher and he would have known exactly how big my chest wasn't.

            "Karen?" Jordan said, appearing in front of me. I could barely see him in the dark.

            I covered my hands with my face. "Sorry...I wasn't trying to—I'm just stupid when it comes to this stuff."

            He pried my hands off my face. "I don't think I'm the first guy at a high school party to get caught feeling up a girl."

            "I know that, but it's different with me," I said with a sigh. "I'm not...well..."

            "You're right," Jordan said. "It is different with you."

            "Don't want take advantage of the flat-chested freshman who looks like she's twelve," I said, closing my eyes, feeling the exhaustion of the entire weekend rolling over me in giant waves. Right at that very moment, I wanted my mom more than I had in weeks. I didn't care if that made me less mature. She'd know what to say. She'd know about all of this.

            "Don't listen to Tony," he said. "You do not look twelve, seriously...besides—"

            I laughed and opened my eyes, taking in Jordan's worried expression. "I don't care about Tony's comments. It doesn't bother me. I know what I look like, what other girls my age look like. But I'm not going to have boy hips and a flat chest forever. I won't be four eleven and three quarters forever. I'm okay with it, really."

            Jordan stepped closer, resting a hand on the red brick beside my head. "I'm gonna kiss you."

            My stomach jumped up toward my heart. "What?"

            "I'm going to kiss you." He had this serious, determined look on his face. "I mean, I won't if you don't want me to..."

            I could feel my eyes widen as he leaned closer, my heart hammering faster, every other muscle in my body completely frozen. No words of protest were able to fall from my tongue before his mouth was on mine. My eyes drifted shut, my stomach doing a dozen floor routines beneath my rib cage.

            Holy crap. Jordan Bentley is kissing me. 

            His mouth was soft despite the cold air. He pressed his lips more firmly against mine for a second longer before pulling back and slowly opening his eyes.

            My heart thudded so loud I could barely hear anything going on in my head. And I really liked when my thoughts were silenced.

            Jordan's forehead wrinkled. "Was that okay?"

            "I'm not sure," I admitted. "It happened so fast. And I'm not sure exactly why you did it?"

            Nerves and confusion filled his expression and then he backed away and leaned against the wall beside me. "I'm gonna be totally honest with you and you should appreciate that, considering how rare it is for a guy my age to spill exactly what he's thinking."

            My chest was still rising and falling, post-treadmill style.

            "First of all," Jordan said, turning his head toward me. "Confidence in a girl is such a turn-on. You have no idea."

            I laughed, despite the awkward tension.

            "Second, I never really have anything to offer anyone." He smirked at me. "Besides my abs and hamstrings."

            I rolled my eyes. "Of course."

            "But with you—" The smile dissolved from his face and I felt my heart flying again. "It feels like I've known you forever. And when I think about everything you're going through, how much I get it...it just makes me want to kiss you." He paused, watching my face carefully like he was ready for a big reaction of some kind. "I don't know what that means...I wish I did."

"You don't know what it means in the same way you don't know why you decided to make out with that Sara girl a few weeks ago?" I asked, trying to understand these multiple levels of confusion.

"No, with Sara it was just shallow hormonal driven behavior for both of us," he said drawing in a deep breath. "Not that kissing you means something serious. That's what I'm trying to tell you—I don't know what it means, just that it wasn't shallow and hormonal. You've never thought about kissing me before?"

            "No, not really." But I am now. I chewed at the dry skin around my thumb nail. "And I don't really think I've been all that confident."

            "You're not insecure about your body or being accepted. How many girls your age do you think are like that?" Jordan asked, giving me his single dimple half smile.

            "You're such a dweeb," I said, returning the smile. "I am so going to tell everyone here that Jordan Bentley actually used the phrase, 'insecure about your body.'"         

            I turned my back on him, pretending to walk toward the bonfire. Jordan hooked his arm around my waist from behind, holding me back. "Don't even think about it. We share a bathroom, remember? There are so many ways I could get back at you."

            I spun around, not realizing how close my face would be to his. I could see the light brown speckles in his eyes, the little bit of red on the end of his nose from the cold, the scar just above his right eyebrow. "Oh yeah? Like what?"

           [PLEASE VOTE! AND POST LINK TO YOUR FAVORITE TV/MOVIE FIRST KISS IN THE COMMENTS! CAN'T WAIT TO SEE ALL THE KISSING!]