Letters to Nowhere #1 (Completed!)

Letters to Nowhere: Part 74

I pressed my face into my hands, drawing as much air into my lungs as I could manage. My arms and legs had already started to shake. "I just see them in pieces...literally...body parts scattered all over the highway. I can hear them screaming, and my dad...he's always decapitated. What does that even mean? Do I subconsciously hate him and I just cut off his head in this fictional version of their accident?"

            I didn't remember feeling any tears fall, but they must have, because my hands and face were wet when I finally lifted my head. Jackie's eyes were wide, and I knew she had to be thinking I was nuts or some kind of psychotic serial killing teenager. But at least I'd finally managed to put it all out there for her to see so she'd know what she was dealing with.

            Quickly, I wiped my face with the back of my hands and sat up straighter. "I just...I need to know more about what happened so I can shake this imagined version from my head. If you could just tell me...?"

            Jackie's face filled with sympathy. "Karen, I don't have that information. I'm sorry."

            I closed my eyes again, drew in a deep breath, and opened them. "Okay, fine. Are we done for today?"

            "We don't have to be. I don't have another appointment until one. We can talk more if you'd like to. We can go over some techniques to use when you're feeling panicked."

            I shook my head. I'd already tried every basic method the Internet had to offer. None of it was specifically geared for my situation. "I'm ready to go."

            As we approached the office door, Jackie rested a hand on my arm and said, "You can't conquer everything in a day. Or even a week. Maybe not even a year. There's no way to work hard at grieving. You just have to let it happen. And you are, so don't fight it."

            "I have no idea what that means," I said, looking her right in the eyes.

            She started laughing and opened the door for me. "Exactly my point. Just keep being honest—with yourself and everyone trying to help you."       

            I sighed to myself as I headed back out into the cold air. Maybe I should have stuck to talking about sexting.

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