April 14
Mom and Dad,
Why did you want to be cremated? I'm not fond of the idea of bodies being under the ground and trapped in coffins, but how do I know you were whole before they burned you to ashes? How do I know any of that? And do you have any idea what it's like to imagine someone setting your parents on fire? Every time I think about it my heart feels like it's shattering to pieces.
Please answer.
Love, Karen
***
"Where do you put your parents?" Jackie asked.
Where do I put them? Like where's the urn? "Uh...what do you mean?"
"Whenever people lose someone," Jackie explained, "mentally, they have to put them somewhere. You have to sort them into a category. It's human nature. Without doing that, you can't actually move on. And I don't mean get through the grieving, you wouldn't be able to function."
"You mean like heaven?"
"Exactly."
I shook my head. "I don't know. I tried the heaven thing, but it didn't stick. I couldn't talk myself into it."
She searched my face as if the answer was going to be written on my forehead. "You have to have put them somewhere. You are coping. I can see that with my own eyes."
"I write letters," I admitted for the first time ever out loud. "To them, to my grandma, to you sometimes. I don't always write it on paper, but if I can then I do. Sometimes I'm just drafting it in my head."
I was afraid she'd give me the crazy person look, but she didn't. "Do you have any of these letters? Can you share them?"
My hands shook as I retrieved my notebook from my bag and flipped to an earlier page. I glanced over it before setting it in front of her. She read the first page and closed the notebook right after she was done.
"Well, that was easy to answer."
"Okay?" I asked.
"Think about it, Karen, you haven't been inside your home in months, not farther than the garage, anyway. You write them letters..."
My heart pounded and I looked up at her, my eyes wide. "I haven't put them anywhere. I've put myself somewhere."
"Yes." She handed me my notebook. "But I think part of you knows the truth, you just need to take some time and figure out where you're going to put them."
"Like forever?" I had a million questions to ask her and so many swirling emotions, but my phone distracted me. I shouldn't have looked at it right then, but it only took a tiny glance to see a text from Tony.
Meet me at my house in an hour.
Oh. My. God.
He found something. He found the file.
My foot tapped the entire last ten minutes of my session with Jackie, and I had no idea what she said or what I said. But somehow she looked satisfied with our progress right before I bolted out the door.
When I pulled up to Tony's house, a tall, half-bald man was climbing out of a Lexus in the driveway. He pulled out a key and unlocked the door, so I had to assume this was Tony's dad, the plastic surgeon.
"Can I help you?" he asked.
"I'm here to see Tony," I said.
His face brightened. "Oh! Great."
YOU ARE READING
Letters to Nowhere #1 (Completed!)
Teen FictionI've gotten used to the dead parents face. I've gotten used to living with my gymnastics coach. I've even adjusted to sharing a bathroom with his way-too-hot son. Dealing with boys is not something that's made it onto my list of experiences as of ye...
