stars || Joe Sugg

20.) wake up

joe

When I left the flat this morning, Ruby seemed perfectly fine. My Chemical Romance was playing on her phone as she snored softly in bed. She looked as if she might even be smiling slightly. I laid there and just watched her for the longest time, enjoying the fact that she was finally having a pleasant sleep.

The past week for us has been pretty much straight hell. Since her birthday, Ruby hasn't got one night without a nightmare. She's also been quite irritable lately, which doesn't cause that many problems, but if she's unhappy, I get unhappy, and then Caspar get annoyed because everyone else in the flat is mad. It's just a complete downhill slide of emotions in the Jaspar - plus Ruby - household.

But this morning seemed like it was going to be different. Caspar was already up when I got upstairs, which was quite strange since it was around eight in the morning. The only unperfect thing about the morning was that we had no coffee. So thinking that Ruby would be fine, I ran out really quick to grab coffee and a few other things we needed. It was a risk, but it was one that I was willing to take, especially today since she seemed better than normal. Besides, she would have Caspar to look after her.

Well, Ruby was not fine, and having Caspar there didn't help her at all.

I got a call on my ride home from Caspar. He was talking hysterically, and most of the time, I couldn't even understand him. There was one sentence, that I understood perfectly, though. "I don't know what to do; I can't wake her up." I didn't even know what to tell him to do. All I could do was bang on the back of the cabbie's chair and tell him to drive faster.

I have finally arrived at the flat, and my keys are fumbling around my hand as I try to unlock the rarely locked door. Once I finally get inside, I toss the keys and bags down by the door and sprint downstairs, not bothering to take my shoes off, even though I know they are covered in mud.

The screaming and sobbing becomes louder and louder as I approach, just like my heartbeat. I can hear it in my ears, and I almost just want to crumble into a small heap on the floor. My entire body is trembling as I push past Caspar into my bedroom. "How long as she been like this?" I ask, trying to keep my voice from sounding frustrated. Part of myself wanted to be mad at Caspar for not helping her, but the rest of me knew that he tried.

"I'm not sure. I called you within the first minute, once I realized that I couldn't wake her up." Caspar answers. I don't know how long it took me to get home, but it felt like forever.

I touch Ruby's leg that lays over the sheet as I call her name a few times. I know she's awake when she exhales for longer than before. She rolls over in the bed and looks up at me. Her eyes have never been so scared. I've seen her startled and scared, but she looks purely terrified right now. Her bright green eyes are shining with tears and fear, and I don't think Ruby has ever looked this vulnerable.

"Fuck, Joe." She breathes before pulling herself into a sitting position on the bed. She holds her head in her hands for a few moments before she looks back at me. "You left me here. You promised to never do that." Ruby cries out quietly. Caspar makes a small gesture before exiting the room.

My head and heart ache as I sit down on the bed behind Ruby. "You don't believe in promises." I remind her quietly as I rub her back.

"Because so many people have led me to distrust everyone." She says, wrapping her hair up in a ponytail. Before I have time to answer her, she sighs and looks over her shoulder at me. "You know, never mind. It's whatever." She gets up from the bed, and I let my hand fall flat on it. She walks into the bathroom where I hear the shower come on.

I lay on my back on the bed for a small while, staring up at the ceiling while listening to the water running. I can't tell if Ruby is mad at me or herself. I wish that she would get upset with me more than she does with herself. She can easily get annoyed at me and turn around her thoughts to make her mad at herself. I wish she would stop doing that, but I don't know how to help her.