stars || Joe Sugg

21.) storytime

ruby

I sit criss-crossed on the bed, moving aside the sheets for Joe to join me. I glance over at the bedside table, seeing if I have any text messages on my phone. Seeing only one from Oli, I decide not to answer. It's nothing urgent; it'll be fine. I catch sight of the dreamcatcher that Caspar bought as my fake birthday present. When he gave it to me at the end of the night, drunk-me threatened to "shove it up his ass", which is exactly what I said. He, then, proceeded to give me a choker with a dreamcatcher pendant that matches the necklace I got from Regina almost perfectly. It even had small red beads on it.

When Joe sits next to me, I immediately grab his hand, knowing that I'm going to need to squeeze something at some point during this conversation. I'm moving way out of my comfort zone, and for some reason, I'm really enjoying it. "So, um, the dream I had this morning was about you, actually." I start awkwardly, staring at our intertwined hands, trying to avoid his gaze. I don't know why, but I just can't look at him while talking about it. I'll just feel like I'm cursing him.

"I've dreamt about you numerous times, but I don't think it's ever been this bad. I just... you keep coming across so similar to Aaron." I see his muscles tighten as I bite my lip. I hate comparing him to Aaron, but I can't help it. I thought I was destined to be with Aaron, and now it feel like I'm destined to be with Joe. "Right before Aaron and I split, we got into a fight. Like an actual fist fight. Of course it was more just him hurting me, and I tried to defend myself best I could.

"I dreamt of that last night, but it was you. I could see you hitting me. I could hear you calling me all the horrible things he said. I could smell your cologne. I could feel every time your ring would hit me somewhere. I tasted the same blood in my mouth. It was so vivid. It felt so real." I expect him to cut in; to say something about it. But when I look up at him, he only leans forward and kisses my forehead. "I know it's just a dream, though. It will never happen."

With my free hand, I play with the zipper at the top of my - well, Joe's - jacket. Since Joe is literally the same weight and height as me, I just steal as many clothes as I can from him. That includes his Adidas tracksuit he received from YouTube not too long ago. "I still dream about Aaron a lot. And my mom. They're usually bad memories that I remember, like the bathroom incident." I don't have to explain it to Joe, thanks to Regina.

"What happened to your parents, love?" Joe asks, catching me off-guard. It hadn't occurred to me that he might ask about my parents, but I guess that is a big part of the story about my disorder.

"I blame myself for their divorce." I start. "When I was about seven, my disorder really started kicking in. That's when the fights started. They went on for five fucking years. I told you about how my mom took me everywhere, but my dad didn't want that. He didn't think anything of it, really. He just sort of accepted that it's how I was.

"They would get in fights a lot over me and my disorder. I would hide on the stairs and listen to their screaming for hours. My dad would usually be drunk and would either call my mom something horrible, or he would try to hit her. I would get more upset at my dad over that than I would my mom taking me to therapists. I think it was better for me to stay with her than to move away with him.

"I don't remember that much from when my dad was around. I don't even think I could pick him out in a picture that I've never seen. The only clear memory I have of him was little me, grabbing on to his waist in a tight hug before he went to work, and he said to me, really quietly, 'And, so, life goes on.' He left for work and never came back."

"You've let so many people hurt you, Ruby." My boyfriend comments quietly, moving my wet hair away from my face. "I won't let anyone hurt you anymore." I nod a tiny bit, knowing what he says is exactly true.