Fixated

((08))

"Hey," He mumbled, entering my room slowly. 

The bags under his eyes told me that he got little to no sleep last night, the stubble on his chin told me that he's been stressed, and the look on his face told me he was upset about something. 

"Hey. I know what's wrong with me, but what's wrong with you?" I asked, reading his facial expression. 

"Nothing, I-uh. I did something bad. I need you to listen to me though," He said, taking a step forward. 

I took a step back, my mind wondering what Casper could have done that is so bad?

It doesn't matter... it won't matter after you break his heart. 

"Babe, no. Don't pull away from me," he mumbled, reaching out for my hand. 

I let him hold it, trying to calm the shake of them. It didn't work though, he couldn't stop my heart from bursting with anxiety, not even if he ripped it from my chest and handed it back to me covered in his love. 

"What-what did you do?" I asked, my voice barely above a whisper. 

I could tell that he was really distraught by whatever happened, he could barely look me in the eyes. It's like he knew, he already knew that it would kill me. 

"I-um... I went to a party. I got way too drunk. I mean, I don't remember anything. I just- I need you to know that. I wasn't thinking, I couldn't think, okay?" He asked, as if grasping for any straw he could get. 

I nodded my head, hoping that it isn't as bad as he's making it out to be. 

Even if it was, he wouldn't be able to tell me anything worse than the things I've imagined happening to him because of me. 

I have to keep him safe... no matter what he says.

"What is it? What did you do, Casper?" I asked, my voice shaky. 

It doesn't matter what you did, I'm gonna let you go. You can have your guilt because I don't want it...

He looked down, his hands gripping mine tighter. 

"I.. I slept with someone..."

As soon as the words left his lips my hands were cold. I couldn't feel the warmth of his hands anymore. I took another step back, my knees shaky, weak. 

"You what?" I choked out, my lungs holding in air, my breathing stopped for a full thirty seconds as tears welled up in my eyes. 

"I'm so sorry, Ray. Please, please don't leave me. I need you," He pleaded. 

He could plead and plead but all I could think about was how I was already going to break up with him. I was already going to break up with him and now... now it hurts even worse. 

"You can't... no. You can't ask me to just stick around. Oh, I'm sorry. I had sex with another person, it's okay though, because you'll forgive me. It really sucks, Casper. It really sucks because I was already going to break up with you. I would've been miserable, completely miserable, but I would've known it was for you, it was to keep you safe. Now... I don't even know what to say. You need to leave," I said, trying to ignore the tears rolling down my cheeks. 

His face grew hard suddenly, his expression changing from complete agony to anger. 

"You were gonna break up with me... no matter what I said when I got here?" He asked, his voice shaking. 

He took a step closer to me, his hands clenched into tight fists.

"I.. yeah. I couldn't think about you getting hurt. Not for me, not at all. I guess you weren't thinking the same thing." I said, regretting the words as they left my lips.