12:01 (Sequel to Midnight Man)

chapter twelve/ifonly

when i was a kid, my mom never let me get a dog.

i really wanted one. i asked every year for my birthday. but every year she would say no. i really can't remember wanting anything more.

one year, when i was turning ten, my dad put jordan and i into the back seat of his volvo. we drove for what felt like forever, and he didn't say a word about where we were going. finally, we arrived at the pound. it took us all of five minutes to pick a dog.

he was older, much to my father's chagrin. he didn't want to teach us about death so soon. but he was beautiful. a golden retriever, more a rosy color than gold. his fur was impeccably soft and his face had a cute little splash of white fur. i named him rover.

we brought him home and he loved me immediately. he became a member of the family without argument. my dad wanted to take him hunting with us.

so we did. frequently.

he was always a good boy. he sat by my side while dad shot at deer. he never got scared of the gun, either. the loud noises didn't bother him. we were best friends. jordan was always jealous that rover didn't like him like he liked me.

we were hunting one day and everything seemed so normal. there wasn't a reason for what happened. i just decided to self destruct.

i stood up to stretch my legs, tired of the same crouched hunting position. my dad glared at me and readjusted his rifle. i walked toward the right, restless of the wait. rover followed me, his dog tag jingling against his collar. i clutched my own rifle in my hand, should i spot a deer.

i don't like to hunt anymore.

rover stopped, staring off at something in the brush. he knew better than to bark. he tugged on my jeans with his teeth. it was a split second decision.

the shot rang out loudly.

it crashed against my ear drums and i staggered backwards in shock. and adrenaline.

my dad came sprinting toward me. he looked excited for a moment. then he looked down. and i remember he started screaming.

"what did you do?!" he cried.

he grabbed my shoulders but i didn't move. i couldn't, really.

rover was a good dog.

i fear i'm going to see him soon.

•

i can feel it the moment i wake up.

there's a different feeling in my hands and i identify it right away. i curse under my breath. sitting on the edge of my bed, i bounce my leg up and down, tracking the rhythm. i try to keep myself steady. i know it won't help today. it's too strong.

i'd forgotten long ago that i had borderline personality disorder. it was something i rejected, something i couldn't deal with. something i'd apparently suppressed for years.  i need to control it today. i can't be so unstable around tyler again. i won't. i sigh, realizing my medication is at my house. the dun residence.

i'll have to see my parents. i can't remember the last time i had to do that. i occasionally call jordan, asking for some money, but i haven't been in contact with my family in a long time. i haven't even thought about it.

i push myself off my bed with shaky hands, glancing at my questionably clean, gray sweatpants and loose, black shirt in the mirror.  i'm not trying to impress anyone. at least i don't think so.