12:01 (Sequel to Midnight Man)

chapter sixteen/do you think i'm a fucking idiot

act one: dun household, five years ago, age 14

the new family dog traipsed around the house, his bushy golden tail swinging like a baseball bat behind him. hunter was not a hunting dog; simply a pretty golden retriever meant to sit at home and be kept away from me. i was fine with that. dad already told me what would happen if mom and jordan found out what really happened to rover.

accidents that aren't accidents are meant to be kept a secret, dad told me. i did my best. mom and jordan were kept in the dark and i suppose my dad tried his best to forget about me. he started taking jordan for trips more. he didn't like to look at me anymore.

it made me angry.

i remember the rage inside of me. i remember wanting to strangle him from the back seat of our truck. i remember thinking how easy it would be to smother him to death in the night. i hadn't heard of murder yet but it was splattered across my thoughts.

i'd go to sleep, dreaming of the way that bullet dug through rover's skin. how the shock turned into adrenaline. euphoria. a high. it felt good; no anger left to simmer. a pure release if frustration.

i fantasized killing my father a lot. i was smart. i knew better. i knew my mom would be devastated. i knew jordan would suspect me. i knew the police would be involved. i knew i would feel no remorse.

maybe that was the scary part.

it was rare i could be terrified, when i was a child. very little got me. my lack of feeling, however, always scared me.

it was obvious i was different. i'd go to school and other kids would experience so much. so much that i could not figure out how to feel.

a boy named james got into an argument with a girl named claire when we were in the second grade. he took her favorite blue-green crayon and snapped it in half. she cried for six minutes. i watched in wonder.

for what were those? the droplets coming out of her eyes? why were they there? what did they feel like?

i had marched over to wipe these peculiar things. i swiped one onto my finger. it was wet! she stopped crying, and i licked it tentatively. salt! i couldn't fathom.

i learned more about human emotion as i grew. i learned to mimic it. i learned how to pass it off as real. i learned how to shove down my apathy, and stir up humanity.

perhaps that's what made me so upset about tyler. the way he showed up, so clearly psychotic - or wanna-be psycho, anyway - reminded me of who i really am. of who i'd been pretending not to be.

and now....
it hurts a bit.

•

i shift around uncomfortably as tyler goes on and on about how horrible my mom's death was. i wonder vaguely where my dad is.

"that's just... terrible! your own brother? god, what is wrong with this town?"

well tyler, do you want the short answer or the long one?

"it's really not a big deal, tyler," i shrug.

"not a big deal?! what are you - a sociopath?!" tyler looks at me bewildered.

i just blink at him. i resolve not to answer but now my mouth is opening and i cannot help the words falling from it.

"the correct term is psychopath. say another word and i'll kill you in your fucking sleep. i've done it once and i'll do it again. do you think i give a shit about my parents being murdered when i'm the one who did it? you're sitting right in front of a goddamn criminal mastermind and you don't even know it! you unobservant, pretentious, neurotypical prick!"

and my chest is rising and falling too fast, my breath is coming in too quick. his eyes are wide. slowly, his pupils get larger and larger until they've swallowed the remaining parts of his iris. his eyes are black holes and you know that saying about the abyss? it's not just staring unto me, it's consuming me.

"Do you think I don't know that, Josh?" his grin is a chelsea smile. his canine teeth grow longer and sharper. "Do you think I'm a fucking idiot?"

"n-no..." i swallow, cowardly inching backward.

"Liar!" he snarls, lunging toward me. "But I'm one too. Playing dumb this whole time, just to get back in your pants. You made it too easy, dear."

"But I've had my fun. Now, you're going to get what you deserve," and that's when I notice the knife.

We're back in the library, except this time he's pinning me to the bookshelf. he digs the knife into my gut, driving it in full force. I scream but suddenly his hands are over my mouth, keeping the sound from escaping. I'm crying "help me, help me please," but he steals the sound. Tyler Joseph is killing me

Back so soon?

What took me so long, you ask?
       The a u thor is mighty slow..............

Do you believe in second chances?

I see.

Maybe...  

You shouldn't.

i wake up in cold sweat, the blankets i fell asleep with now bunched up around my feet. my head pounds viciously and i wonder why i've woken up this way so many times before. tyler is across the room, his back to me. he's fiddling with something on my desk.

"ty?" i call out to him.

he doesn't turn. he continues fiddling with what ever is on my desk, if anything fiddling faster now.

"tyler," i say.

he still doesn't turn. his hands speed up again.

i sit up fully, a rush of blood going straight to my head as i do. i fight through the fog of my mind, standing shakily.

"don't get up josh," he sighs, putting what he's been playing with down finally.

"are you speaking to me or not?" i grunt, trying to will my legs to work properly. "what did you give me?"

"nothing special," he turns finally.

my heart beat stops. his face is ghoulish white, the bags underneath his eyes a startling purple. he looks like he did so many moons ago, as i gazed his face underneath the blanket of night in the park for the first time.