12:01 (Sequel to Midnight Man)

chapter fifteen/starting again

zack won't speak to me.

it's been hours now and he hasn't said a word. we've been parked in the black truck for two hours now. i can't bring myself to break the silence. he keeps his eyes on the road, not yet pulling out of the abandoned lot he hid us in.

"is it starting again josh?"

he asks me the question sharply, but quietly, like he wishes he didn't have to ask at all. i think it's quite obvious. i sigh, leaning my head on the window.

"yes."

he takes a breath, drumming his hands on the steering wheel. i feel tears pinprick the corner of my eyes but i fight to keep them at bay. i won't cry over this. i won't cry over anything anymore. that's how He wins.

"what's the plan?" zack asks me.

in the tense air of the car, i feel myself begin to panic. my hands start to tremble and i shove them underneath my legs to hide it. but zack notices and the moment he asks me if i'm okay i feel myself start to lose it.

my breaths come in shallow, and my lungs cannot find air. i feel like i'm sinking and watching the earth cave in around me.

"josh."

i can't breathe, i'm going to die.

"josh!"

i can't catch my breath, there isn't any to catch. the sides of the car close in around me and i'm so scared that this is it, but maybe i'll finally be released from the hell that is my life. i'm crying, i can feel the tears run down my face. my hands are getting numb and i swear i'm losing vision, losing grip, losing life.

but in me

There is more life than ever needed.

i feel my mind swaYing.

he is aLive.

more than Ever known.

and i feaR what he'll do.

Josh Dun is a coward.

I cannot begin to explain what it is like, living day after day, forced to endure and tolerate his utter stupidity. How Tyler can stand him, I am unsure. Tyler...

Boy wasn't that a nasty surprise for Joshy? He finds out he has Borderline Personality Disorder, becomes a raging psychopath, and kills his boyfriend all in the same week. Then, months later after having dealt with the grievance, he finds out he didn't kill him at all. Tyler Joseph is alive and well.

i am alive and well.

Josh tried to kill more than just Tyler all those months ago. He tried to KILL ME. HOW DARE HE HOW DARE HE FUCK YOU

ahem. I haven't dealt with it quite yet.

but he can't get rid of me. you can't get rid of me.

Forgive me if I haven't introduced myself. You'll learn. I know... fourth wall? The wall is in Josh Dun's mind. The wall is in your own. I'm not just here. I am everywhere. I live in the dark spaces and lonely places. I am your greatest fear. I'm the rejection you feel from friends who always makes plans without you. I am the sense of failure on your latest math test. I'm the quiet mutterings you hear from your parents late at night when they think you've gone to bed. I'm the social anxiety you try desperately to shove down your vulnerable throat that you have thought countless times of tying a noose around, desperate to be free from life, from me, from the godforsaken pit that is your miserable existence.