Well, Sh*t: a true story of Cancer, Prayer, and Emotional Shrapnel

September

Journal Prompt: Take some time to reflect on your prayer life. What is working, and what is not? Write down changes you would like to make in order to recapture passion in your prayer life.

September 29th 2015

What is working in my prayer right now: Well, so far God has answered the prayer that I "don't die" on a daily basis. So that's working. The passion in my prayer lies in the bargain. I am begging for my life on a daily basis. I am too young to die. Heaven doesn't "need another angel". God has too much work in me to do because I am so far from perfect. But that work needs to happen in THIS life. MY life.

Are my prayers passionate? Maybe with fear, not with trust; pleading, instead of faithfulness. I wouldn't even know how to change that. How do I force myself to forget cancer and pray outside of it?

I thank God every day for another sunrise. I hope my gratitude earns me more years on earth to enjoy them. I don't know if I can continue to separate myself from the disease. It's my tether to whether or not I live to a ripe old age. I've always feared for as long as I can remember that I was meant to die young. That's my waking nightmare now.

I am leaving everything in God's hands easily. I don't worry. I don't even usually entertain thoughts like these. I am writing them down as they occur. This isn't a burden on my mind 24/7. I'm damn jolly most of the time. Not happy, not joyful, JOLLY. Still funny, still smiling, still cheerful, still making others cheerful.

So what am I doing wrong? Where is my assurance in Jesus if I am so good at compartmentalizing? Where is my faith if I always have a smile on my face? Where is the evidence that I am doing things right by God right now? Where are my answers for living a Christian life with cancer? I don't know how to face the idea of my mortality. Of "living" right. 

...

written during my first month of chemo, second month post surgery