|Beauty Behind the Madness Z.M.|

~where did i go wrong?~

he killed the baby-my baby. there was a party at our house. all his friends came. he made me stay in my room upstairs-which i did. then a boy came. he was drunk and grabby and he wouldn't let me go.

he did it. he took my self respect and self love. im ruined. he touched me the in the way no woman should be touched and he chocked me and hurt me and im hurt. i was screaming and screaming for zayn but he never came.

i know who did it. it was damien. he wore a crooked grin and green eyes. his hair was brown and slicked back. he reeked of alcohol and smoke. he killed my baby.

i was crying when it happened. he took me and pushed me against the wall. then he kicked me down the stairs. i was wearing just his shirt. once i finally landed my stumbling, the baby had died. and with the baby, a part of me died. the light in zayn's eyes died too. no longer did he smile nor did he laugh. he never directly said it was my fault but i knew it was. i knew deep down he blamed me.

i just couldn't..grasp the fact that in two hours, i had managed to kill three souls.

"please please please don't do this!" i screamed desperately, screaming and yelling for him to stop. he forced himself inside me and it felt as if everything single cell in my body wanted to push him away yet i couldn't. i was too weak.

with everything in me, i despised the feeling. i loathed that he was inside me and i prayed it would be over soon. it felt so horrid. being vulnerable to him. he wasn't zayn and zayn was the only boy i had ever been vulnerable to.

my sobs were loud and incoherent and inconsistent when he finished me. i was bleeding and im sure bruises were surpassing my skin everywhere. i felt like dying.

something once so beautiful and sacred to me had vanished. taken away. my optimism, hope stripped away from me as he threw me off the bed.

"shut up, fucking little slut."

"you monster! i fucking hate you!" i yelled which only infuriated him further.

so he did it. again. and again and again.

each time more and more brutally painful. it hurt. he was so rough.

"how-why do you do this? what did i ever do to you?" i cried,

"collateral damage, babe. As long as you have a zayn wrapped around your little finger, you're doomed." he said with hurt hidden behind his maniacal green eyes.

"oh and don't think i didn't notice your little bump..." he said, walking towards me. i retreated my footsteps repeatedly. the music was so loud and no matter how loud i screamed i knew no one could ever hear me. my hands clutched onto the railings for dear life but he was too strong. his hands caressed my bump tenderly before he pushed me abruptly. throughout the entire fall, i was begging for him to stop and for zayn to save me but...

damien was a horrid listener and zayn was simply too late.

for months, i screamed in my sleep. the events of that night replayed and killed me almost everyday. others, i would dream about what could have been-zayn and Hope and our family. most nights, i couldn't sleep unless i was in zayns arms.

"i'm sorry Zayn i'm so sorry. i-i killed her! i killed Hope!"

"it wasn't your fault, ina..it wasn't so don't blame yourself." he said softly, kissing my forehead solemnly. a salty tear rolls down my face and i couldn't stop the sobs that escalated out of my mouth and onto Zayn's shirt. mascara stains and tears made his clothes dirty but he didn't seem to care.

"i love you,nina. and it's not your fault, babygirl.."

"i had an-another dream..Hope graduated kindergarten. she had a little cap and gown and your eyes and her smile ugh she was beautiful..but she'll never be here. and it's all my fault! i killed her! h-how are you not mad at me? i killed your daughter! our daughter. she's dead and it's all my fault,z-zayn. im a murderer. i killed her!"

"shh...nins, it'll be alright. i promise. heart ache doesn't last forever, babygirl. i promise."