|Beauty Behind the Madness Z.M.|

~all i know at the end of the day is you love what you love~

nights and nights have passed and im still staring at the moon. i wonder if anyone noticed i had stopped talking. i just nod and smile; my inmate committed suicide yesterday. i was asleep, with the help of pills the doctor gave me, when she hung herself.

i had begun to wonder what life really was. are we actually living or just breathing?

im tired of being in this cell, being left to rot alone. im tired of my new inmate who's a fucking rapist. she had an affair with a boy who was 14 years old-her step son. she says she doesn't regret any of her choices yet she cried herself to sleep at night.

it was a lovely sound. the sound our sobs made when harmonized together.

"nina?"

i turned around instantly but saw nothing. it was so dark-the only light entering was the dim one radiating off of the moon. i tiptoed close to the door, jumping up to the window near the top of the door.

"nina?"

i knew who it was but i also knew it was my 36th day of not talking and that i wasn't going to give up now. the door clicked- unlocked. a thrill coursed through my veins as it opened and revealed zayn. his arms were open as if he was waiting for me to jump in them. a year ago i would have done that without second thought. but now i see things differently.

for months i dreamed of the day he would rescue me. be my knight in shining armor. then i realized it. i don't need a man to save me. i have to save me.

i ignored his silent plead and ran down the long hallway which contained two prisoners per cubicle. two buff guards in with shiny

i took a sharp left and went into the restroom, zayn following behind me. he grabbed me from behind, clamping a big hand over my mouth. "i bailed you, you don't need to hide."

i bite on his fingers and, immediately, he pulls them away and winces.

"what the fuck nina!" he yelled and tears sprung out of my eyes. i just stomped before him, walking toward the main office without a word. i sat on an uncomfortable bench beside the chief's office, chewing on my lips. zayn came out and smiled-shaking hands with the chief.

"here." zayn said, putting sweatpants and a t shirt into my hands. i ran to the restroom and changed into the outfit which wasn't mine. it smelled like zayn-it was zayn's. i gave the uncomfortable orange jumpsuit to the receptionist then walked away. zayn clasped his hand into mine and no matter how badly i tried to deny it, how badly i wanted to push him away...i couldn't.

weak, a voice rung in my head.

+

"i love you." zayn said as he kissed my ear from behind. i was in our old home. the one where i was raped. the one where i lost my baby. the one where i lost my lover. where i was stripped from my freedom, aspirations and hopes. my innocence.

i didn't respond to his words, instead i wrote my response.

I hate that I'm still hopelessly in love with you.

"im sorry, nina."

You should be.

"nina i-"

i pressed a single finger against his lips, the fiery feeling igniting in my skin. it was the first time in weeks i felt something. maybe that's why forgave him. because of the way he made me feel.

"nina i love y-"

"your definition of love is pretty fucked up then."