All Too Well | ✔

Chapter 43

all too well

"A mighty pain to love it is, and 'tis a pain that pain to miss; but of all pains, the greatest pain it is to love, but love in vain."

- Abraham Cowley

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disclaimer: chapter contains self-harm.

To fall in love. What a ridiculously great metaphor this was, right? I mean you actually really do fall in love, pretty pretty hard at that. Especially when there's no one to catch you while you fall and you land on the cold hard ground beneath you. The funny thing is that nearly everything that falls, breaks.

The more I thought about love, the crazier I got. I never knew what unrequited love was or how it felt like, but now I definitely did. Trust me when I tell you that it was of the worst situations to be in because you had no energy left inside your body and mind, you couldn't seem to enjoy life or smile at things and people. My life was going downhill anyway and I honestly didn't know how to cope with all of this on my very own.

I still remember how deeply in love I was when I dated Andrew. I remember how I called Mandy to tell her that he asked me out on a date or how freaking excited I was when he kissed me for the first time. I was so happy throughout our entire relationship because he truly meant so much to me and he knew how to make me smile so bright that my cheeks began to hurt. I remember how fast my heart was beating whenever I attended one of our school's football games and saw him on the field. Sadly, every good thing comes to an end and so did our relationship. I trusted Andrew but he apparently only played me and broke my heart into pieces. Why would one human being enjoy hurting another one? How could people be so heartless and cruel? I still couldn't understand.

He broke up with me and left. That's it.

It was so hard for me to get back in track after that. Rumors spread around, people always gossiped about me and stomped onto my dignity. It took some time but soon, I realized that I felt hatred more than love towards him. I hated to see him walking around school because I always felt the urge to choke him. He broke my heart, but with the help of my two best friends and my father, I got over him and we all glued my broken heart back together and soon, I felt normal again.

With Miles it was completely different though. I loved him, yes, but unfortunately he didn't love me back and there was nothing I could do about it. I couldn't force or drag him to love me back if he didn't have any sort of feelings towards me, but I didn't just want to stop because maybe he would fall in love with me someday. After a long time, he was the first guy who had the ability to make me happy again. Yesterday, I tossed and turned in bed all night because I couldn't sleep. I constantly thought about Miles and wondered whether he thought about me too.

And then something popped into my mind. I've always struggled to ask Miles about her but I had to sooner or later. Could it be that Miles didn't love me because he loved someone else? And could that someone else be Josephine? I still had no idea who she was but I was determined to find that out.

"Took some time but here you go." Miles put a cup of hot chocolate onto the table in front of us and sat down next to me with a giant slice of pizza in his hands.

I mumbled a small, "Thank you." I actually considered not to come but guess what? I did anyway.

"By the way, what's up with your hand?" He took a huge bite into the slice of pizza as he asked his question and I looked away. I didn't really feel comfortable to talk about the whole incident with my hand and therefore didn't want to talk about it at all.