circus - joshler

_tears_

the train had been rocking down the tracks all day and dusk was approaching. the sky was a brilliant shade of violet, the last color tyler and josh would see through their train car's window before the sky soon plunged into darkness. after their first sexual tryst, tyler and josh could finally let their guard down. tyler would kiss josh's jaw, josh would nibble tyler's ear. when the train was moving and everyone was stuck in their rooms, the hecticity of the circus came to a temporary halt.

"we should just lay here forever," tyler exhaled, tracing josh's tattoo of a tree with his nail, "you know, when i met you, all i wanted you to do was hold me. everyone around here made my life dismal, but you showed up and you're so kind and loving and your eyes do this pretty thing when you smile and-"

josh kissed tyler to keep him from rambling and it worked like a charm. tyler melted under the slightest touch from him, and josh had caught on to that.

"you look gorgeous, tyler." josh told the brunette for the hundredth time that day, "you always do."

"nah, i bet i look hungover," tyler denied playfully, rubbing his eyes with his hand, smudging a bit of black paint onto his petite nose.

josh had tyler lick his finger, before wiping the paint back off, "someone definitely can't hold their booze, huh?"

"ha, i guess not. truthfully, i don't even remember coming back to the room- just you and wentz leaving the party together."

josh eyes turned cold as he thought of wentz' attempt at fucking him the previous night. tyler shifted his arm to rest on josh's chest, but josh let his own arm drop to the bed. tyler winced at the sudden cold air biting his skin where josh's warmth had once been.

"are you okay, babe?"

"yeah," josh pondered whether or not to tell tyler, "just wentz was a little . . .off last night. it's nothing."

the soft, brown hairs on the back of tyler's neck stood up in dreadful realization, "oh god, he didn't try anything with you, did he?"

josh was silent for a little too long.

tyler was going to burst, "and i was trying so hard to stop him . . . i got freaking roofied, for crying out loud."

"what are you talking about?" josh's tone a bit colder.

tyler realized his mistake of blurting out his secret, "i-i didn't mean-"

"tyler. what?"

tyler wasn't used to hearing his name in an angry tone from josh. he hated it.

"nevermind!"

"tell me what you were trying to stop him from." josh was sitting up now, arms folded.

tears rushed to tyler's brown eyes, "fine! i knew wentz was gonna try to fuck you, okay? he's done it to others before, but i liked you and i was trying to stop him."

josh scoffed and ran a hand through his hair.

"josh, you have to believe me! i saw him try to drug your beer last night, but i drank it instead and that's why i passed out. just be glad that he was too drunk to even get close to you last night."

blood rushed to josh's face, "couldn't get close to me? couldn't get close to me? he was a little more than close when his hand was around my dick while pinning me to the shithole he calls a bed. jesus, tyler, you don't even know what that guy can do when he's trashed. i'd hate to see him horny when he's sober . . ."

tyler folded his knees to his chest, "i know exactly what he's capable of. he's been doing worse shit to me since i was 14, josh. you don't even get it. he only stopped because you came along."

"so you pawned him off on me? you knew and didn't even give me a warning or something?"

tyler was sobbing by now and josh was standing up pacing, "i fell in love with you, josh! i knew you would leave if you knew the kind of shit he does . . ."

josh stripped out of his leotard an pulled on a sweater and pants. tyler was too upset to relish the short moment josh was standing naked in front of him.

"leaving sounds really good right now, to be honest."

"the train is still moving, josh. just come here, babe. i'm sorry." tyler sniffled, holding out his arms.

josh rolled his eyes and opened the door to the outside. the train wasn't moving too fast, but the door flew open out of his grasp. staring out at the vast, black night, josh wondered for a moment if leaving tyler was worth it. tyler lied to him and josh despised being lied to, even if he did love him.

"please don't leave me," tyler pleaded, sliding out of bed, "i'll die without you. my life was so bad, but you saved me from it, josh. i can't take back what i did, i was desperate before-"

josh placed a finger over tyler's lips and tyler didn't say another word. josh embraced tyler, but let go just as fast. he felt tears burning in his eyes, but wouldn't let the brunette see. he turned away to face the stars outside, instead.

"i have to go, ty."

"please . . ."

josh stepped forward out of the train and rolled upon impact with the rocky, dry soil. he rolled over again onto his back and looked up at the sky. immediate regret poured over him as he gazed up at the stars. all he could see was the brunette boy's tears in constellations above him. in the distance, he heard the rumble of the train continuing without him. josh let cold tears stream down his cheeks.

tyler remained on the train and was still in shock that josh was gone so fast. a shooting star that burned too bright and fizzled out, never to be seen again. he wiped his tears and shut the door of his lonely train car. tyler strode to the lone, cracked mirror on his wall and stared at the shell he saw before him. he looked like a stray kitten, unwanted and unloved. abused when all he wanted was love. he noticed that josh's red hair dye had stained his shaking hands.