The Way You Loved Me [Under Edit]

"Desperate for change, starving for truth.."

Cahlan Asher.

    A numb awareness washed over me as my mother turned our vehicle onto Arlington Lane. It was as if time had slowed; the image of shiny, wet road sign penetrated my mind as I felt myself falling two steps back. 

    "Yo, Spenser, speed up a little! You're driving like my grandpa!" Wyatt Prince's voice echoed through my head as my chest constricted. Gripping the side of the passenger seat, I took a deep, shaky breath. Eyes fluttering closed, the pain settled within the pit of my stomach. Why did I come back? Why?

    My eyes stayed closed as my mother drove, careful not to speed; the rain beat against the SUV as we made our way. Only two more miles, I reminded myself. A roar of thunder and a lightening strike frightened me, my eyes shooting open. "How much longer?" I whispered.

    My mother picked upon the the hushed sadness in my voice; I could feel her gaze on me as I stared straight ahead through the windshield. We were getting closer now, to the spot. Growing uneasy, I leaned my head against the cool glass. Perhaps this wasn't a good idea after all.

   "Almost there." She cleared her throat, gripping the steering wheel a tad tighter. "You don't have to look--"

    "I want to see it," I lied. Dr. Pearson said I had to face my fears one day, I might as well start early. Arlington Lane was number one. It wasn't the actual knowledge of the accident taking place on this road that overwhelmed me, it was the dim awareness that something so concrete, such as the road or trees, could do so much damage.

   "Stop," I saw it then: the thick lining of trees that looked slightly altered, even through the rain.  A large wooden post with a metal sign nailed to it stood in place of the Evergreen that Spenser had once been pinned to.

   I didn't wait for my mother to come to a complete stop before I climbed from the car. Rain soaked through my sweatpants almost immediately, the thick fabric clinging to my lean frame. Wiping frantically at my glasses, I took a step towards the sign. It was barely visible through the thick sheet of rain, its words unreadable.

    "What are you doing?" My mother shouted, her voice barely traveling through the storm. "Come back Cahlan!" Glancing back at her, I noticed that she held a coat above her head, barely shielding herself from the early summer weather.

   "Reading!" Reverting my gaze ahead, I took a step towards the ditch, my breath catching in my throat.

   "Watch out Spenser!" Mara's voice screamed. Squeezing my eyes shut, I bit my bottom lip. "No no no, not now," I whispered to myself. 

   "I'm trying, he won't---" The waterfall of glass was so beautiful, much like a summer rain, I recalled. A thunderous boom pulled me from my trance; I was no longer sitting in the center seat of Spenser's SUV, I was no longer recalling the few moments before The Accident. Thomas Hayes' headlights burned a hole in my brain, we were so close to his swerving truck...

    This was it. The final resting place. The final destination for Wyatt. Tears stung my eyes as I wheeled around, racing back to the car. I shouldn't have come back to Hazelwood. If I couldn't stand on a simple road without crying, then I certainly couldn't face Spenser or Mara...

"What was that about?" I didn't answer her right away, I merely shook my head and sighed.

    "Nothing," I whispered. "That was nothing." It was something, my mind whispered. Dr. Pearson said I had Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder, PTSD, and that it would kick in during the most incovenient moments. 

   "It will drive you to do crazy things, Cahlan," She had said. "Things you normally wouldn't have done. You have to be careful, you can't always let your emotions get the best of you." 

    Like act like a crazy woman in the pouring rain, I added mentally. 

    "Was it the PTSD?" Concern flooded her voice as she pulled away from the spot. She was biting her lip, unsure of what to say next. Her flaxen hair was pulled into a bun atop her head, a few ringlets escaping the tangled mess. Dark circles made their appearance beneath her green eyes, she hadn't slept in days. We'd been driving for hours now. Dressed down in sweatpants and rain boots, I couldn't help but smile at her. She knew it would rain, she'd known all along. "It was waiting for you," I mimicked mentally. Yeah, right mom. Yeah, right.

    "Yes." 

    "Maybe I should call Dr. Pearson--"

   "No, I'm fine. Really," I lied. "Just take me home, I'll be okay." Perhaps it was time to add "habitual liar" to my resume.

I thought I was done with Spenser Cristoffe, or our friendship at least, months ago. And yet, here I was. Standing on his front porch in the pouring rain, I couldn't help but kick myself. Why had I asked mom to pull over? Why was I so drawn to him? "You don't have to see him," My mother added when I asked her to pull up to his home, "He hasn't tried seeing you--" 

    "Stop it, mom. None of them came to see me, but that doesn't mean they never cared." And with that, I lurched from the SUV, racing towards the covered front porch. Part of me longed to see him again, longed to stare into those hazel eyes; I wanted to see his dimpled smile, his glowing happiness. But then again, the other half of me wished that he wouldn't be home, that I wouldn't have to see his surprised expression right away. But I missed him, and that's what drove me to his home rather than my own. 

    Lightning snaked across the sky as nature's drum roll sounded from the hills. The sun would be rising soon, Hazelwood soon to be masked in light. Doubt clouded my mind as I waited, what would I say to him? 

   "Honey, maybe you should come back later!" My mother called from the car. "They probably aren't awake yet."

   Reluctantly, I turned on my heel and ventured back to the car. Perhaps my story with Spenser Cristoffe had ended, that chapter coming to a close.

"Not everyone is awake, I don't think."

    Turning the SUV onto our narrow, gravel driveway, my mother smiled happily. Welcome home, I thought. The rain was finally letting up as the clouds began to part. The sun was expected to rise soon.

   "They really missed you, you know." She said, her smile shaking slightly. "Especially Ben." 

   Upon hearing my stepfather's name, I couldn't help but shake my head. Ben Conrad had been in my life for several years now, but there was no way that I would ever see him as a fatherly figure. Especially since my biological father only lived about a mile away.

    When I was three, my mother married Ben and my father married Gisele. No matter how hard my parents strived to make things work, they never could. They divorced when I was only one and haven't looked back since. Endless arguments and countless insults have never been the key to a successful marriage. Whatever my father lacked, Ben had; the same went with Gisele and my mother.

   Gisele was outgoing and loud, whereas my mother was a stark contrast. A quiet wallflower, my mother was well-mannered and serious. Gisele was a free spirit, always aiming to have a good time. They were polar opposites, no similiarities present.

    Pulling up to the large, cabin-like lakehouse, a flood of emotion ran through me. I was finally home. There was no going back now, I was stuck here.

    "Welcome home," She smiled, eyes shining. "I love you."

   "I love you too," I replied, sighing as I shoved open my door and stepped into the thick mixture of fog and rain. I finally made it back to where I belonged, and I was never leaving again.

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First off, sorry that these "chapters" are so short. I tried to keep it as realistic as possible; in our every day lives, we don't spend every waking moment doing one single thing. We get distracted, we multitask, we change things up a bit. I'm trying to do that with Cahlan, but I don't know if it's coming out like I'd planned. I don't want to give a total play-by-play. Sorry that these first few chapters are somewhat boring, I promise it'll get better later on. I'm still trying to introduce any new information that you all might  need! :) Anyway, have fun reading! 

Any requests for the upcoming chapter? 

Any particular date for the next upload?