Writing About Love

Guilty

Hoseok woke up to being poked in the eye with a tuft of hair. He tried to move away but the bundle of brown hair and tanned limbs followed and snuggled deeper into his side. It took him a moment of looking around to assess where he was and why the boy laying on top of him didn't have the correct features. There was a muffled buzzing filling the room and Hoseok caught a line of sight to the edge of his phone screen hanging off the desk beside him. It was Namjoon. Even while they fought they always made sure the other was safe before they went to bed. He had planned to sneak back out after Jungkook had gone to sleep but he had been so wrapped up and comfortable he didn't even think about texting his partner.

He debated about not picking up but the guilt ate away at him for having a decent sleep while Namjoon was waiting. Not to mention their fight about trust and here he was waking up next to someone else. He didn't see Jungkook as even a slight possibility for a partner but how was he supposed to explain that? Probably the same way Namjoon has been trying to get you to see he feels the same way about Yoongi.

"Jungkookie, you need to move. Joon is calling." He heard a muffled reply come from the bundle but he didn't attempt to switch positions in the slightest. "Please, Jungkook."

"He's been calling. I threw my shoe at it because it wouldn't stop." All the color drained from Hoseok's face.

"Why didn't you wake me up?" Jungkook raised a sleepy head at this and pinned him with an attempt at looking serious. It didn't quite work with his voice higher than usual and his hair sticking up every which way though.

"I tried. It was you that was impossible to reach. You went to the land of the dead last night." He finally rolled off, taking all the blankets with him, and Hoseok shivered once exposed to the cool air of the dorm room.

"I still think you could have tried harder." Jungkook's answer was back to the muffled sleep-talk so Hoseok just sighed and reached up to grab at the device.

He had 37 missed calls and several messages and he thought he was going to be sick after reading the first one. 'Do you want to meet at your favorite restaurant? I'll buy all the meat you want, Hoseok, just please meet me. Yoongi and Jimin are official and I want to celebrate being with the one I love too. I know you don't like that word but I'm determined to keep saying it until you believe it. You deserve so much more than me but I'm trying to become someone who is worthy of loving you. Please come back home or at least text me if you're already back at your parents house.'

He didn't read any further than the first one. The decision he made last night wasn't going to change no matter how much he wanted to cry and beg Namjoon for forgiveness. He pressed the dial pad and held the phone up to his ear. This conversation needed to happen in person.

"Hoseok, I'm so glad you're finally up. I know you're probably safe but I freaked out last night. Just don't read the messages towards this morning. I was mad but I promise I'm not anymore. I'm just relieved you're okay."

"Joon." His voice broke and he willed the water in his eyes away.

"Are you okay? I'll be there, tell me where you're at."

"I'll meet you at the house, okay? Tell Yoongi to spend time with Jimin."

"What happened Hobi?" The pet name combined with the utter despair in Namjoon's voice made Hoseok lose his battle against crying.

"Nothing happened Joonie, I just want to talk to you." He felt Jungkook's arms go around him and he buried his head into the younger's shoulder.

"Are you crying? I'll come pick you up." Namjoon's voice was frantic but Hoseok needed time to situate what he was going to say or he never would get it out.

"No, I think I'll just take the bus. It's okay, Joon, calm down." He felt Jungkook pull the phone from his hands and he released it without hearing what Namjoon said next.

"Namjoon, it's Jungkook. I'll make sure he gets there okay. Can you just give him some time?" a pause before, "An hour and a half should be okay. Nothing happened, he's just really stressed out about the fighting. He came to see me last night and we just talked and he's ready to actually sit down and talk instead of arguing. It's a good thing." A few more brief words were exchanged before the phone line clicked, dead. The tears had slowed a bit but they finally stopped as Jungkook pulled him back down to lay against him.

"Hobi, if it upsets you so much, why would you not just try and stay with him?"

"Because it may hurt now but if I just ignore it, we'll be fighting again before the week is up. I've been trying for months now and it just isn't working and it's my fault."

"Don't say that to him. Just don't pull the 'it's me, not you' card. It's unfair to him and you know he'd fight you until the very last breath you give him."

"I know. I don't know how to say it. I think I'm just going to go with how it feels."

"You should shower first."

"I know." and so he did. Everything felt numb to him as he scrubbed himself raw and dressed in his old clothes. Namjoon would question him wearing the same thing but nothing would go well if he showed up in Jungkook's clothes and they would hang about him too loose. When he bid his goodbye and stepped into the frigid temperature it was the first thing that made him feel anything since the phone call and he welcomed it.

Half an hour later he was on the doorstep of the apartment he had been reluctant to call home. It was just that though. He had made it his home from his daily products being here to the new set of silverware he knew was in the kitchen and the paint that was on the walls everywhere but in the bedrooms. He and Yoongi had worked for several days while Namjoon had been away on a business trip to make the house look better and brighter. Yoongi denied ever helping but he had done the work of asking the landlord and picking the colors and purchasing everything they'd need for the project. He kept his headphones in throughout most of it but he was happy and more friendly towards Hoseok after that. It was the day Hoseok finally felt accepted by the other.

Now he stood at the other side of the front door with his palm resting against the doorknob he had turned so many times reliving every moment he could reach in his memories. There wouldn't be anymore happy ones. His last gift to this apartment was bringing heartache to its other occupants and stealing away the things that he had given previously. He touched his head to the cool surface for a moment to stop the tears that once again were on the brink of flowing before steeling himself against what was going to happen and pushing it open.

Namjoon was sitting on the edge of the shoe area and when he looked up, he looked more vulnerable than Hoseok had ever seen him before. And I'm here to exploit his trust even more. Maybe it would have been easier if Hoseok had slept with Jungkook in the way that would give him a reason for doing this. It would have been easier if he had done something unforgivable so Namjoon could hate him instead of trusting him. He knew he never would have been able to go through with it though. He drew in a deep breath and looked into Namjoon's eyes.

"I think it's time we ended things."