Writing About Love

Darkness

Jungkook was dreading the holidays coming up. Holidays meant the dorms closed and everyone went off to family and friends. Jin had offered his flat up again but he felt bad taking advantage of everything Jin had to offer with nothing in return.

Seeing his family meant keeping most of his clothes here and trying to keep everything manly. Showing his father he wasn't scared and he was just as much of a man as everyone else. It meant putting on a charade the first few days only to end up missing some unspoken cue and getting beaten for it for the remainder of the time home. It was only a week and a half this time.

Last summer had been the first time he was hit. There was always a lingering threat of it but it wasn't until he came out to his family that the scales tipped. His mother, who had always stopped the verbal abuse when it became too much suddenly stepped out of the picture. She was no longer willing to endanger herself for her son and though he couldn't blame her, he always felt the sharp bite of betrayal when he was face to face with her.

He used to dream of running away with her and living with his older brother until even that was stripped from him. Nothing was safe. His father's' lies had poisoned their family until everyone was turned against him. He wasn't a baby anymore, he was a burden.

"Dad?" Jungkook was huddled in a heap by the bathtub, unwilling to move from his position and turn the dull throbbing pain into ripping and searing as the cuts would tear. There wasn't much more he could take and sometimes his father would have mercy on him and carry him to bed when he was done.

"Kookie, what happened?" His head jerked up and his vision swam as he looked up into the accusing eyes of his brother. The tone he had used was gentle but he saw no compassion where he was expecting it.

"Dad, he's gone crazy. I can't leave mom here alone with him."

"He does this to mom too?" His brother's face contorted with rage and Jungkook only wondered for a moment why it hadn't been like that with the sight before him.

"No, I just don't want him to start. I can take it better than she can. He'd take his anger out on her instead." He dropped his head back to the floor where the cold tiles could soothe some of his aching. Usually he just had to deal with bruises but today his father had turned a knife towards him and he wasn't coping well.

"He's never hit her though, why would he start now?"

"Why did he start with me then, hyung?" His brother crouched down and reached out a hand to roll him over and he let it happen, exposing all of the marks hidden previously on his stomach and sides. His skin had been an array of colours from old and new bruises littered throughout for his first two months home but now it was streaked with blood.

"You know why he started. You were the one who made him do it Kookie." His eyes opened blearily and he wondered if he had heard it correctly.

"I... made him?"

"You're the one who needs to be cured. Mom is safe." Jungkook didn't think he had long before he'd lose consciousness and he thought this might be a cruel trick from his brain.

"Anyone who can do this to another human being is psychotic."

"You just aren't seeing it right. I learned from it and became stronger. You need to as well. I can't help you until you admit you need help." Jungkook blacked out then and when he woke up he had been wiped down and the deeper cuts had been bandaged but he still lay on the floor of the bathroom. It took several minutes of labored breathing and struggling but he finally sat up and was moving to stand when the door opened. His mother stood above him with a plate of food. He smiled up at her but didn't receive one back in return.

"You need to eat."

"Thank you mom," she winced and for a moment he thought she was injured. He surged to his feet and stumbled towards her but she backed away to the other side of the hallway at his sudden movement and within another second he was back crumpled on the floor. His legs had given out from the awkward position they had been forced into for several hours and he looked to his mom for help but she just set the plate down on the floor.

"Please don't call me that anymore. Your father would be very displeased to be reminded I helped in raising you to be like this." Jungkook's heart shattered into pieces and it was then that his brothers words came flooding back into his head.

"Is this all because... because I'm gay?" His father had thrown blow after blow of verbal abuse before this and while it was happening but he had never once said anything about him liking guys. When he had sat his family down to tell them his father had walked away and never mentioned it since. His mother had just held his hand while he cried. They didn't support his decision and he was sure they thought it was just a phase but he had never connected the two occurrences before. He thought they had just carried an agreement not to talk about it.

"You aren't son, I promise. He'll fix you. This will all be over soon, just do what he asks. This is for your own good. I love you." And with that she was gone, leaving Jungkook there with his thoughts.

He had spent many of his nights curled up under his blankets wondering why it was so bad to love someone as sweet as Namjoon or as funny as Hoseok. He wanted to find someone just right for him who could lift his spirits and make him smile. Why was it wrong?

When he returned to school, Hoseok had been questioning at first but Jin was the one who took him under his wing. Jungkook didn't want to know how Jin noticed the signs so fast but he was quick to make up excuses for all of his friends and after each holiday he would patch Jungkook up new so that no one would see a thing. It usually took a few weeks to be back in top shape but he had friends who delivered his work and Jin didn't live too far from the university so he could always make it too his tests and projects without much difficulty.

Jin never asked why he kept going back and Jungkook never told him anything beyond what was necessary. He knew if he broke the dam on all his feelings, they'd come rushing out and he wouldn't be able to stop them. Jin was the glue holding the pieces of his life together and he was the line that Jungkook walked across every holiday. He lived two lives, one as a happy college student that was easy-going and the other as a broken being existing only wanting to make it through to the next day. Sometimes he could feel the other trying to come out at school but he would always take a few days off and spend time with Jin to ease the pain. He was someone who had seen darkness but only wanted to be the light and Jungkook was determined he would follow in those footsteps.

Little did he know the next day he would be descending further into the darkness than he had ever dreamed of.